S4:E1 The fourth season of Gossip Girl premiered last night, and in the event you missed it, I hope to God you were busy trying to prove the Georgina Sparks of your life is pregnant with someone else’s baby and not yours.
The episode started off with a montage of the end of last season, where Jenny slept with Chuck, Chuck got shot, Georgina returned to NYC very much pregnant, Serena broke up with Nate, and Jenny went back to Hudson because at least the boys she sleeps with there won’t immediately get gunned down in an alley somewhere after. Then we bounced right back into Blair and Serena’s magnificent time in Paris, where they spent their summer eating, spending money on clothes and not any suitcases for them to be brought back to the states in, and reading Gossip Girl on their phones. But throughout it all, Blair felt lonely without a Parisian love, and Serena felt nothing because she’s been busy drinking the free drinks from hot Parisian bartenders.
Back in New York, we saw Dan shacked up in his dad’s old apartment in Brooklyn (presumably which he’s using to hide the pregnant Georgina) and listening to Nate talk about how fun and tiresome it is to have sex with everyone in Chuck’s black book. But one question hasn’t been answered yet: WAS THAT CHUCK’S DECAYING JAWBONE AND PINKY RING WE TRIPPED OVER ON OUR WAY HERE?
Well, we’re not sure yet. Lily got a call from some Bass family businessman, asking her if she’d seen Chuck because he hadn’t paid the mortgage on his hotel since May….which apparently is when he “left.” Lily called Serena in Paris without so much of a thought about the $500,000 roaming fee (because you KNOW S was too lazy to go get a Parisian cell phone plan for her Blackberry) to ask if she or Blair had heard from Chuck. Serena revealed she got into Columbia, and wasn’t sure if Blair would be happy for her because that would mean they were going to start competing with one another again, which we want to see anyway.
Vanessa went over to Dan’s house to unleash some of the only soul flavor we get on this white boy show, and call him out on ignoring everyone and not calling her all summer. Vanessa and her CNN journalism eyes scoped the room and saw panties and other feminine underwears, and only got even angrier when she found out they belonged to Georgina Sparks, who had just given birth to Milo, Dan’s little hipster son who wears hats indoors.
Back in Paris, Blair met a prince who asked her out while she was staring at her favorite Manet. She called Serena to do some immediate shopping, and while they were about to go buy boots to the tune of Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream, Prince Louis texted to tell Blair he was bringing his friend…which meant Blair was going to have to bring Serena to be his date.
Vanessa met up with Dan to talk about when he was going to tell his father about Georgia and the baby, and she also asked if he was sure Milo was his. Dan said he was “pretty sure” he was, but there’s no way he’s the father because GG writers spent too much time helping the Brooklyn boy fit in with the Manhattan crowd for it to all go downhill with an impregnation...or did they?
Blair and Serena got all dolled up for their double date, only to find Serena actually had the date with the Prince – Blair had the date with his chauffeur. During the dessert and a long Waldorf dissertation on the importance of men’s formalwear, Blair’s mother called and revealed Serena was going to attend Columbia in the fall. Ohhh, I see what’s happening – the writers are bringing us back to a time called Season 1, when Serena came back to New York and stole away Blair’s thunder! There must be lots of Krispy Kremes in the writers' room these days!
At Lily and Rufus’ Fashion’s Night Out party (how timely!), Georgina brought Milo and introduced him to everyone as Dan’s son. Unfortunately, the first time everyone met him was when he was wearing a bandana like Bret Michaels. Dan called the doctor to CONFIRM HE’S THE FATHER, and he is, in fact, el papa. But Georgina does a way too good “secret Russian on the phone” for all of this to be over and done with just yet.
At the end of Blair’s and Serena’s date in Paris, they fought about being in each other’s shadows and Blair pushed Serena into a fountain. Blair went back to the restaurant and just as she was asking her date (who she thought was the chauffeur) to take her home, he revealed to her that he was actually the Prince! Oh Gossip Girl, your games are better than those one would enjoy on a cruise for old people! But Blair's heart still aches!
At the end of the episode, Lily got a call from a French policeman who said they found a body with ID that said it was Chuck Bass. But it wasn’t Chuck’s, because we saw a kind blond girl with a liking of Shakespeare had poured gin in his wound and extracted a bullet from his side, and that Chuck was really living quite nicely in Paris! All the hotel heirs get to have all the fun, we see YET AGAIN.