Recap

'Gossip Girl' Recap: Goodbye Columbia

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Oct 12, 2010 | 5:59am EDT

S4:E5 Man, is Juliet a skinny bitch in the kitch! Last night on Gossip Girl, we saw some of her plans get painfully executed against some of the most relatively harmless characters on the show: Serena and Vanessa. We know Juliet’s main target in all of this is Serena, but what would she possibly want from Vanessa – her African print harem pants?!

Things started with Serena being unable to get to class on time. She keeps having people steal her taxis and such, and the distance between Columbia’s classrooms and Blair’s luxurious Dorota-maintained apartment never seems to get any closer together. She keeps making appointments with her professors to try and apologize to them for being late, but she’s late to the appointments, so the apologies never get said or received. So not only does she continue to miss the opportunities for her to grovel to her professor, she keeps being late for class, which is quite problematic for her because they’re unfairly counted as “absences,” the number of which she’s committed so far have whittled her grade in the class down to (presumably) something like a C. This morning, she ran into Blair on the way towards another absence, who said that she was adding to her course load because the more time she spent on campus, the safer she’d be from Chuck because he was far too superior to believe his knowledge needs to be cultivated by someone else.

Juliet went to visit that guy in prison, who may or may not be her boyfriend or brother, and updated him on the plan, which he’s clearly been planning on the walls of his cell instead of trying to dig himself out. Juliet said she remembered the goal was to get Serena expelled from Columbia, and the guy was irritated the plan was taking so long to execute. The guy pulled a picture of Juliet and Nate out from his secret man place that’s only searched every other Tuesday and asked why she was getting so close to him, but Juliet said she was only dating him to stay in Serena’s “orbit.” He said he understood, but that she should be careful her “relationship” with Nate doesn’t sideline the fact they want to leave Serena with nothing.

Blair went to go sign up for a class on the psychology of business, and to apply for the assistant to the professor position. She was terribly surprised when the professor informed her that not only had the position been filled, but that it was filled by Chuck, who had apparently been allowed to audit some classes after he funded a rotunda. Just as that happened, Kanye’s “Power” began to play and Gossip Girl sent out a blast that suggested Serena had an STD. Which, quite frankly, there's no reason for why she's been spared from at least the clap.

So of course, Juliet knew Nate’s past with Serena and said that before they replaced their Scrabble marathons with a different kind of marathon, he needed to walk himself down to student health and get tested. Additionally, Vanessa freaked out and asked Dan if he should get tested too, because she didn’t believe he hadn’t been with Serena since they’ve been together. But as Dan was escorting Nate to the clinic, Serena ran into them and was quite displeased that the two of them seemed to believe the rumor. And as Vanessa was bringing groceries in her netty bags over to Dan’s, Juliet texted her with a picture of Dan signing in to the student health clinic…but he was signing Nate up for the cotton swab! Not himself! Too bad a phone that streams video clashes with Vanessa’s organic and minimalist values.

Blair invited her new professor over to her apartment and tried to woo her for the assistant position that Chuck presently occupied. Blair said she heard about her divorce a few years ago, and was willing to set her up with one of her stepfather’s handsome lawyer colleagues at the Faculty and Friends mixer that was to take place that night. The professor said she’d meet whoever Blair introduced to her, but only because she planned on being there anyway.

Juliet went to Hamilton House to talk to Nate, who was told the results from his STD test could take 3 to 4 days to get back to him, which meant their four letter word, triple letter score plans after the mixer would be postponed. Juliet was, of course, sorry to hear that (as evidenced from the finger she stuck in between two buttons of Nate’s shirt to effortlessly caress his chest hair), and she said there might be another way to see if the rumor was true, and she hinted that she wanted him to steal Serena’s phone to see if she told anyone about if she had contracted and STD or not. But she didn’t say it flat out…she just planted the cocoa bean and told the Mexican he’d be allowed to pick it someday.

Vanessa ran into Juliet on her way to Hamilton House and was freaking out because of the picture text she got of Dan signing in to the clinic. Juliet realized Vanessa’s desperation for truth made her a great accomplice in sewing some innocent baby booties out dishonesty, and she told her that they’d figure everything out that night at the mixer.

Once AT the mixer, Juliet had Vanessa stole Serena’s purse from the coat check that contained her phone. Juliet told Vanessa to check Serena’s email for anything suspicious relating to an STD…but instead, she found an email that Dan sent Serena saying he was completely devoted to making it work with Vanessa. Vanessa was happy and handed the phone to Juliet, who told Vanessa to go see if someone was coming while she did something TOTALLY CRAZY WHERE SHE HELD THE PHONE SO CLOSE TO HER FACE THAT THE LIGHT FROM THE SCREEN PROJECTED ONTO IT and she looked like the Cheshire cat.

Unfortunately for Blair, the date she set up for her professor was hijacked by Chuck, who sent a woman in his place, knowing the professor would be offended that it looked like Blair thought her professor was a power lesbian. Blair’s assistant job was given right back to Chuck and Blair was told the class was full…forever.

Serena finally walked up to the dean and her professor to try and talk to them about her lateness problem, and she was informed that the email she sent out was totally unacceptable and might result in her complete expulsion. Serena told them she didn’t know of any such email, and her professor showed her what appeared to be an email she sent that offered sexual favors in exchange for high grades.

As Vanessa was going to tell Serena she and Juliet had her phone but “neither one of them sent the email,” Juliet slipped the phone into Vanessa’s purse. When they both reached Serena, who was just about to offer up sexual favors to try and undo an expulsion sentence, Juliet offered up her phone to Serena and suggested she call it to see if the person who sent the email was still at the mixer. So Serena called, and of course, it rang from the depths of Vanessa’s hand woven Ethiopian purse.

The dean told Serena she wasn’t going to be expelled, but that the drama that followed her to the campus made a mockery of women like her, who had to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and sew themselves up after their caesarean sections. Blair then told her Gossip Girl sent out an apology for saying Serena had an STD, because she doesn't and she never did because she's immune to them and that's why she blond and talks like a small pebble has been sewn into her cheek.

In the end, Vanessa packed her things in her netty bags and told Dan she was going to stay with her family for a while. Dan said that was very fine. And standing outside his limo, Chuck continued to exact his revenge on Blair by getting Jenny Humphrey an interview at Parsons, for fashion design. Blair is wasting her time trying to form new relationships with professors -- she should just concentrate on figuring out where she's going to put all that chicken curry she didn't order.

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