Last night were the quarterfinals on Dancing with the Stars, and it was mostly about whether or not Brandy is capable of knocking Jennifer Grey off her “MY FUCKING LEGS HURT BUT GIVE ME MY TROPHY!’ pedestal and taking home the disco ball trophy instead. Each of the couples performed two dances last night because the show continues to run two hours, and it was exactly like what happens when your friend reserves a table for their birthday party that seats more friends than they have or invited. But we were polite, and watched without saying anything.
But let’s talk about the dances.
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough performed the quickstep and the samba. While rehearsing for the quickstep, Jennifer tore a ligament in her leg or something and an orthopedic surgeon told her she should consider quitting the competition. Why she keeps acting like she’s as fragile as a Chihuahua who only feasts on four leaf clovers is beyond me. But of course, she continued to rehearse and then performed the dance, which garnered her and Derek 27 out of 30 points.
Then they performed the rumba to a Journey song Jennifer Grey didn’t know. It was pretty amazing and they got a perfect score for it. But if keeps complaining about her legs, her I will order the beekeeper’s outfit she will wear as her punishment.
This week, we got a visit from Sarah Palin! When she learned that one of the dances Bristol was to perform was the Argentine tango and involved a chair, Sarah and Todd were concerned that the dance would be “lap-dance scandalous.” Can you watch this clip and see how her movements are more like a pool toy that the wind keeps blowing around? The judges gave them 25 points.
Then they performed the samba, and it was one of the worst times she’s ever danced. They got 23 points. Mark Ballas tried to cover for it and say it wasn’t Bristol’s fault that the dance was bad, because he was the one who actually lost his count, but that only makes sense if Bristol ever danced well at all.
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer danced the Viennese waltz, and it was boring. They got 27 points for it.
They also did the jive, which they practiced by having Steve-O from Jackass dribble a basketball in circles around them and walking around the studio naked. And it all worked out pretty well for them in the end! Their jive was awarded with 29 points (which, I have to point out, probably says a lot about how distracting Steve-O’s junk was).
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy performed the waltz after talking about how such perfect partners they are. It was pretty, but not jaw-dropping. I find myself much more impressed with Jennifer Grey and Kyle Massey as opposed to Brandy, who I don’t feel like is taking risks with her dances. But it was actually a nice dance, and they got 29 points for it.
They danced the cha cha cha for their instant dance. It wasn’t very impressive. I was unsure of which was worse: the slits in Brandy’s pantlegs or the “Teenage Dream” rendition they danced to. Carrie Ann Moss ripped into them a bit for not starting their dance right off the bat, and instead waiting a few measures before they started with the moves…and she was right! Why do some of these dances start off with the celebrities sitting on the stairs? But they still got 28 points.
And finally, Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya danced the waltz, which was nice and everything, but it just was as exciting as deciding to paint the doghouse fire engine red or sangria. I’d be very surprised if Kurt wasn’t eliminated from the competition tonight. But anyway, the pair got 24 points.
Then they showed us their cha cha cha. During rehearsals, Kurt got a visit from his five kids, who kept telling him to do karate chops and Indian kicks and such. When it came time to do the dance, it was pretty good…but he still looks like an athlete, as opposed to an athlete who has been dancing for 8 weeks. Every other contestant has more spunk than him, so that in conjunction with him wearing a shade of Rick Fox probably means he’s going home. Their cha cha cha got them another 24 points and last place on the scoreboard.