S1:E2 Chances are you were busy watching the Golden Globes last night and didn't catch the second episode of Shameless. But luckily for you, I've lined out all the important stuff for you below! Aren't I a gem? Like, yeah, all those celebrities last night looked great in their green emerald dresses, basking in the glory of all the great movies they made last year. But the mark of a TRUE gem is sitting in your sweatpants and writing what happened in an episode of a show where William H. Macy is an alcoholic who abuses his family so you can win lots of money by correctly answering a question about the episode when you happen to get into the Cash Cab. I'm just saying.
"What are you, a tough guy, Steve? You think you're a tough guy? Because you look like a premenstrual Filipino." - Frank
One morning when Frank went to the bar, he ran into the father of the girl Lip tutored in physics. But it wasn't one of those parent meet and greets that consists of, "Oh, you're Jenny's mom! You know, my little Linda just LOVES Jenny's socks with the lace on them. Where on earth do you get those? My little Linda has very persistent foot fungus, so I keep telling her that she can't wear dainty socks because we wash them so frequently, but Jenny's lace ones are the only ones she wants to wear and I fear that Linda's fungus will get worse if she doesn't wear any socks at all. So the lace ones -- where'd you get them?" Unfortunately for Frank, this guy also happened to be a father who caught his daughter giving Lip and his brother blow jobs under the dining room table during what was supposed to be a "study session." He clocked Frank in the nose and sent him running out of the bar with blood dripping down his shirt. When he got back home to his house, Ian asked Frank if the shirt he was wearing (that was all covered in blood) belonged to him. Frank said it did, and then he headbutted Ian in the nose and sent him flying on to the coffee table, which obviously interrupted the Deadliest Catch viewing party. Steve immediately scrambled off of the couch and shoved Frank and asked him how dare he hit one of his own kids. Frank, not seeming very drunk at all, came at Steve because really, what kind of a front is a guy who buys a washing machine for a family of six going to put up? Sensing that the situation could become worse, Fiona demanded that Steve leave the house.
"No snow at the winter Olympics? What the hell was that? It's the winter Olympics! You couldn't even get the Olympic torch to fucking light right." - Frank
The next morning, Frank woke up on a bench in some city that obviously wasn't Chicago -- not only because of the early morning speed walkers, but also because it was patrolled by mounties. A sign in the background indicated he was in Toronto (if the mounties didn't clue you in), and after some pedestrians alerted the authorities of his presence in the park, he was taken to jail because he didn't have a passport, which meant he entered the country illegally. But since Frank's such a crazy alcoholic, he couldn't tell the mounties how he managed to leave America and enter Canada without the proper documentation. So he was stuck in a cell and because he was an American surrounded by Canadians, he was THE person to ask for a reach-around. Back in America, Fiona and the family were freaking out because Frank wasn't there to swipe the disability check that had arrived in the mail away from the family and take it to spend it on alcohol at the bar. They were calling everyone they could think of to ask if they'd seen him and looking in all his usual sleeping places (like inside the coffins at funeral homes), but he was nowhere to be found. Finally and unbelievably, Fiona realized that Steve must have taken Frank somewhere, and after some very light questioning, he confessed that he put Frank in the back of his car, drove him to Canada and left him in a park. Fiona was very angry and she told him that since he made him go away, he was the one who had to bring him back. So Steve called one of his friends who had an RV with a spot in the shower that was holed out to aid in the transportation of illegal aliens, drove it to Canada, and brought Frank back to Chicago.
"If I'm going to embarrass myself, I might as well do it right." - Sheila
Once Frank was back in America, he packed his things and went out looking for a place to stay because he thought he was so disrespected in his own house. After trying to stay with some of his bar buddies, he ended up knocking Sheila's door because he knew her husband left her. Sheila took him in and showed him kindness by offering Frank a bath, which he agreed to. Once he was out of the bath, she brought him some of her ex-husband's old clothes, but then somehow, Frank's towel fell off and Sheila admitted that she hadn't seen a man's junk in years (except for that time during a thunderstorm where she saw an outline) because her husband insisted on keeping their bedroom lights off all the time. Intrigued by what she saw, Sheila then ushered a naked Frank into her bedroom and handcuffed him to her bed. She reached under the mattress and got out a huge box, which she opened and pulled a gigantic dildo out of. Frank seemed uncomfortable with what was presented to him, but Sheila insisted that everything would be all right and that it really wouldn't feel as big as it looked once it was inside him. This was perhaps the best moment of the show so far because we finally got to see Frank get punished for being so terrible to his family. The fact that Sheila wasn't sticking a dildo inside him to punish him, per say, is irrelevant.
"I'm sorry Fiona, I shouldn't have kidnapped your dad. It was wrong. Trizone air conditioning, power windows and door locks, alloy wheels..." - Steve
Knowing he screwed up, Steve did what he thought would serve as a really great apology and bought (or stole) a van so that Fiona could use it to take care of her family better. He filled it with roses, and presented it to her. Fiona wasn't having it though, as she ran back inside, got $80, and handed it to Steve saying it was for the washing machine and that she would pay him back for the rest of it when she had the money. Steve said he didn't want his money, and Fiona said she didn't want his charity, so she would get him the rest of the money for the washing machine when she had it. Then she went back inside. If this relationship is really over, where are the sex scenes going to come from? Because everyone knows people are only watching this for the sex scenes -- even Emmy Rossum knows that! She's been quoted talking about what it's like to film them all the time! Literally, all the time. Maybe she'll start having sex with the cop who likes her, which actually sounds pretty dreadful. Ugh.