'Jersey Shore' Recap: Where's the Beach?

Jan 18, 2011 | 6:58am EST

S2:E16 Last night’s bonus episode of Jersey Shore was fantastic – quite possibly the best episode of the second season. It had everything that was great about the first season, which was little to no mentioning of “the letter” and Snooki eating a potato and sticking her ass in a refrigerator because it itches…only to realize she has to poop! I mean, come on. Enough with the Tamagotchi.

“Stop caring and fuck me.” – Snooki

The episode started with WHAT ELSE? Sammi and Ronnie fighting on the porch under a leopard print comforter and Jenni and Deena watching Snooki get so drunk that she eventually just ate a raw potato. After she consumed the entire thing with less effort than it would take for either you or me to devour a strawberry, she followed Vinny into his room in hopes of him letting her touch his SEABISCUT. But Vinny wasn’t into it and he escorted her back to the couch where she and Deena then tried to have a threesome with The Situation. But that didn’t work out either, so Snooki vented to Jenni about how frustrating it was that Vinny would get with Angelina, but insist that the biscuit wasn’t ready to come out of the oven when it came to her. Vinny explained it was because he respected her brain and her mind and her integrity, but Snooki raises a very good point, and that’s that sometimes a soggy bun can hit the spot, too.

“I need a mind condom. Because I’m getting mind fucked.” – Ronnie

Sammi still isn’t over everything that Ronnie did to her in Miami, and every time he goes out without her she thinks he’s amusing himself by making girls shove candy corns inside themselves. So to try and get herself out of this constant state of discomfort, Sammi confronted Ronnie and blatantly asked him to tell her everything he did in Miami. Ronnie asked her what she already knew, which she couldn’t respond to because she really didn’t know anything and so what we had was a circular argument. They eventually went outside and everyone else stayed inside listening, and it was exactly like what happens when a mommy and daddy think they’re doing the right thing in going into the gazebo to have their fight, but really, it’s the wintertime and the gazebo has been relocated to the attic and everything that everybody says is audible. But AMAZING because then Chinese food is for dinner!

“Oh my god, bitch you’re such a whore. Why were you like that?” – Snooki

At work later that day, Sammi was still reeling from the fight with Ronnie and she realized that Snooki really was trying to do the right thing in writing the letter that detailed Ronnie’s actions, so Sammi apologized to Snooki for attacking her and accusing her of lying. It was actually a pretty heartfelt and believable apology and it signified that Sammi might really be coming to grips with the fact she had the entire situation wrong the whole time, and proof to us that the controversies surrounding “the letter” might almost be done.

“If I wanna have a beer, I should be able to have a beer. This isn’t law-school. This is a t-shirt shop.” Snooki

After Sammi apologized to Snooki, she felt so great that she went out that night and got wasted. The next day, she didn’t feel like going to work but she was dragged there by her roommates, who allowed her to wrap herself in a handmade rug around that hopefully would instill in her the inspiration and determination of a Chilean burro. But once she got to the shop, her condition only deteriorated because she began smuggling beers out of the refrigerator into the storage closet for rapid consumption. When her boss caught onto what she was doing in the closet, she moved her drinking locale into the staff bathroom and Vinny explained that she had been drinking from 11AM that morning and probably wasn’t going to stop until 4 in the morning the next day, which means she would be drunk for however long it is between 11 AM and 4 AM (military, stop contacting me). She even told her boss she would lick the carpet if he would let her have a beer. Snooki was finally told to go get a coffee, but instead, she went to the bar and took shots and did a mitzvah of reviving a couple’s dead sex life by making them do body shots off each other because it would be “a good time” and it would lead to an “even better time.

“Where the fuck is the beach! I’m so annoyed!” – Snooki

After that came the scene that was promoted heavily when the season began, which was when Snooki was arrested on the beach for public intoxication. She was seen running down the boardwalk screaming at people to tell her where the beach was, and when she finally found it, Deena and Jenni came running to try and bring her home because she didn’t realize that the hair that had gone up her nose when she fell face first in the sand was probably tickling her brain. But their efforts to usher her to safety (as Snooki kept booking it for the beach, not even stopping to take her purse off) were futile and eventually, the cops ushered her away.

On Thursday’s episode, we’ll see Snooki somehow make bail and get yelled at by her father because he realized the situation has changed because now it's like she's paying the cops to let her show them her vagina.

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