'Jersey Shore' Recap: Ronnie Aches For Sam

Feb 18, 2011 | 7:00am EST

S2:E21 “Listening to Mike about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor talk about flying a plane.” – Ronnie

So Sammi has left, and her absence has created a hole in Ronnie that’s much like the hole that is left when a podiatrist removes a wart on your toe – the wart itself is already miles and miles away from your toe and the bandaged area around it is numb, but when you slide your finger under the bandage and over the sweatpants or the glasses your wart left behind to torture you while it was safely in the cab on the way home to its mother in Jersey, you kind of miss it. Realizing that Ronnie was not in good shape, the Situation stepped in and explained how he was going to help Ronnie get over his wart, and it was going to be by working out, listening to music for five hours and eating. The Situation said that he’d “rather die standing than live on his knees” in hopes that Ronnie would agree, but Ronnie’s head was too deep trying to sniff out his old wart's smell in its destroyed plastic drawers and hair curlers to care.

“You could put Deena and Nicole’s brains together, and their brain still wouldn’t equal my brain.” – Vinny

After Ronnie went into the girls’ room and tried to gauge just how big he fucked up, Snooki and Deena decided that Ronnie feeling sorry for himself was going to affect everyone else, and that was going to be bullshit, so they decided they wanted to prank Vinny by smashing cake into his face. Vinny curiously said that was the worst thing they could have done, and Pauly said they had started a prank war. Blah blah blah, right? Could it be that Sammi was the only reason we watched this stupid show? I THINK IT IS. I THINK NOT ONLY IS RONNIE MISSING HER, BUT WE ARE TOO BECAUSE NOW THAT SHE’S GONE, WE HAVE TO WATCH VINNY FILL UP WATERBALLONS IN THE SINK TO GET SNOOKI AND DEENA BACK AND THAT IS DECIDEDLY NOT AS INTERESTING AS WATCHING SAMMI CLIMB ALL OVER HER MATTRESS TO PREVENT RONNIE FROM TOSSING IT OUT ON THE BALCONY. Oh shit, something crazy has happened: so the whole time Sammi and Ronnie were fighting, right, most of us sided with Ronnie because Sammi’s usually a psychotic bitch who sleeps and clutches a stupid big banana. And when Ronnie blew up at her last episode, we were kind of like, “yeah, okay, that had been coming for a long time.” But then when Sammi brought her broken glasses to Ronnie’s attention, we didn’t pick up on the fact that Ronnie had gone too far until this episode, when cameras went back to Sammi’s house in Jersey and caught her crying into her mother’s arms. AND RONNIE DIDN’T REALIZE EITHER UNTIL THIS PRANK WAR ERUPTED IN THE HOUSE! YOU GUYS, THE FOURTH WALL OF THIS SHOW HAS BEEN BROKEN DOWN! WE REALIZED SOMETHING AT THE EXACT SAME TIME RONNIIE DID! JESUS CHRIST, HOW FAR AWAY ARE WE UNTIL THE NEXT PULITZER IS AWARDED?

The first time all the roommates went out sans Sam was to Karma, where almost instantly, Pauly ran into an old girlfriend. Just as he was getting reacquainted with her, The Situation swooped in and lifted her up off the ground and started rubbing her against himself. Pauly was shocked at his lack of “guy code,” which is funny because I feel like “girl code” and “guy code” only started to matter this season. While Pauly and The Situation were off by themselves, Ronnie was outside the club smoking a cigarette to his voice over of, “I just feel like I’m floating.” Once he went back inside the club again and over to the bar, he was met by Snooki, who said to him that Sammi deserved to go home and get some time by herself because of all the shit he said to her. Then she told Ronnie that because they always fought, they shouldn’t be with each other. Ronnie responded with the fact that he was going to get her back because he always gets what he wants, and I’ve watched enough CourtTV shows where women are slumped over their bureaus with bullet wounds in their heads to know that he was completely serious.


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