Last night was only the fourth episode of The Real Housewives of Miami, and it’s already clear that a big part of this season will revolve around who knows the best chef. In the previous three episodes, we’ve witnessed several dinners where the women have hired chefs to come to their houses to make drinks for the women and then attempt to teach them all how to cook. But of course, no one ever cooks because they’re all too busy writing “sexy” and “drama queen” on their chef hats and strengthening their tongues by tensing them up and licking the salt off the rims of their margaritas. These gatherings are actually fine to watch because they’re usually rooted in such deep competition, which is a theme that the other Housewives seasons have already conditioned us to appreciate. But the difference between this season and those seasons is that in Miami, these women are competing for the same thing, and that’s over who's in cahoots with the best Cubano chef. With the housewives of New York and Atlanta, the women validate themselves as members of the group by proving themselves in the way that they want to, whether it’s putting together fashion lines, having children, releasing a hit single or maintaining a nice house. Their playing fields, in other words, are different. But in Miami it is. In Miami, all these women care about (except for Lea) is which one of them is going to have the best chef come to their houses and prepare the best meal for everyone. And so it's awesome to watch them strive to outdo each other at the same exact thing.
Are all of these people waiting for pigs? I didn’t know so many people ate pig. – Alexia
So last night, we watched as Alexia and her husband stepped up and began preparing to throw their own authentic Cuban food party. To their credit, they did go to a pig farm and pick out the pig they were going to roast in front of their friends, which means whoever their chef was had already beaten Cristi’s friend, Chef Pepín, who used Crystal Light for the mojitos. Once Alexia showed up to the farm, her husband remarked that she was dressed like she was going to the mall. This was true, but she cannot be blamed for her attire choices. She is amidst a heated competition, after all, and it doesn’t just stop when a trip to the slaughterhouse is on the schedule. After Alexia and her husband had brought their pig back to their house in a plastic bag, they propped it up on the table (which is most definitely a homework table, I recognize those whenever I see them) and Alexia’s husband asked her to help him hold its legs apart while he gutted it. He was kind enough to wrap paper towels around the legs so Alexia wouldn’t have to actually touch it, and he also draped a napkin across his pig nose so she wouldn’t have to look at it. But she couldn’t be of assistance. And so her husband had to find a way to break the pig’s hips and inject butter into the slits he had made in the thighs by himself.
I asked him for your hands. – Philippe
Marysol’s boyfriend took her to a completely empty restaurant and told her that he went to talk to her father. Marysol thought it was so nice of him to go to his club to have drinks with him, but Philippe said that was not why he went. Then she assumed he went to go see him to make sure he was okay after his surgery, but again, Philippe said that was not the point of the visit. Philippe eventually revealed he went to Marysol’s father to ask for his permission to marry her, and Marysol was shocked. Philippe told her that her father told him it seemed very sudden, and that even though he could not pronounce Philippe’s last name, her father was appreciative of the respect Philippe had shown him by asking. Then, Philippe pulled out a ring that was the size of a chessboard (and a regular one at that, not one that’s smaller and magnetized so you can play it when you’re in the car or on a plane). After asking him if he was joking four times, Marysol quietly said yes to his proposal.
I did not know he needed a green card! – Lea
While Alexia’s husband was roasting the pig, Alexia greeted the rest of the girls and welcomed them into her home. Then she brought them outside to reveal what they were going to be having for dinner, and all of them were so excited to see that it was pig except for Lea, who is a vegetarian. She swore up and down that she didn’t even want to sit next to someone who would be eating the pig, and Larsa stated (not publicly, of course) that she thought Lea was being rude and way too dramatic considering how much trouble Alexia and her husband had gone through to prepare the meal for everyone. Larsa thought it was disrespectful and even though she doesn’t eat pig either, admitted that she would never discount someone’s meal just because she doesn’t find it appealing. But once Philippe announced that he and Marysol were engaged, Lea quickly focused the conversation around how long they’d actually last, considering they hadn’t been dating very long. Everyone was stunned with how reckless Lea’s statements were, especially since Philippe and Marysol seemed happy over their impending nuptials.
What is going on with you? – Lea
Adriana and her son, Alex, came by to drop off the portrait Lea had bought from Adriana at her gallery last week, and even though she was supposed to leave and go to a meeting she was already late for, Lea sat Adriana down and asked her what was bothering her. Adriana said it was just that business was slow, but Lea continued to probe and asked if there was anything wrong at home because she remembered when Larsa told her she out until 2 AM one night, dancing with guys that weren’t her boyfriend. Adriana revealed she was indeed fighting with her fiancé, but she was also under a lot of pressure to come up with $30,000 to pay for her son’s private school and her fiancé only agreed to pay for half. Lea said she’d help Adriana in any way that she could, but Adriana still left the house crying because Lea didn’t have time to console her any more than telling her that if they needed to, they could throw a fundraiser to raise money to send her son to school.
Are you having trouble breathing here? - Philippe
Marysol wanted to have a winter wedding in the snow, so she and Philippe flew to Aspen to elope. But while they were sitting by the fireplace the day before the wedding and talking about how Marysol’s makeup was going to freeze to her face, she found herself to be very nervous. Although basically unsure of what had her so spooked, she knew it had something to do with how quickly her relationship had progressed. But she felt better once she saw how secure Philippe was in what they were about to do. Unfortunately the episode ended before we could see a wedding, but the preview for next week’s episode showed us Marysol and Philippe walking up a mountain in their beautiful designer wedding attire looking pretty comfortable...if not out of relief that they got married in private, then surely because they were thankful they missed the chaos of Lea finally calling Cristi out for attending her fundraiser without paying for tickets.