S4:E7 “I came from the gym. I have gym hair but I took a quick bath and came over.” – Sonja
The only thing Sonja has done this season besides criticize artists for depicting her breasts as if they were a double black diamond slope in Colorado is making sure the people she’s having lunch with are aware that she just came from the gym, and that they should feel bad that they didn’t just come from the gym. That’s what she’s done! Go back and watch the other episodes. You’ll see that I’m right. Anyway, Sonja had lunch with LuAnn and LuAnn proposed that everyone go on a trip since everything had been so tense between the girls. LuAnn said it was the perfect time in their schedules because all of their boyfriends were working and all of their children were away with their fathers (and that’s another thing Sonja has done this season – it’s suddenly pretend like her daughter matters!). After they curiously realized that Italy was going to be too expensive this time of year, LuAnn came up with the idea of going to Morocco because she had been so many times before with her ex, and that everyone would just love it (which is another thing! What divorced woman willingly ventures back to a place where she and her ex-husband used to go? No normal divorced woman willingly goes back to a place where she and her husband enjoyed themselves (which is why it would never occur to my mother to go to Barbados or into a Jennifer Convertibles ever again)). Anyway, they decided on Morocco and Sonja only agreed to go because LuAnn said it was exactly like Paris, but she was careful to mutter that it really wasn’t under her breath.
“I’m looking forward to taking the girls and just seeing their faces, to show them the desert, the markets, the fabulous hotels, and how sophisticated Morocco is.” – LuAnn
The dangerous thing about being the woman who convinces her friends to take a trip to a place they’d never been to before is that she’s the person everyone will blame if the trip is horrible and her friends end up hating everything. But LuAnn seemed fine with being this person, and she assured Sonja they’d have a very easy time of convincing the other women of going because Morocco is just so exquisite. So LuAnn called Jill and told her the plan, and Jill was very quickly on board. Sonja called Ramona and tried to get her involved, but Ramona was a little bit hesitant because she pointed out she wasn’t sure what to expect of it because she’d never been there before, but that she was willing to go and make it work. But isn’t that kind of a given – you don’t really know what to expect when you go somewhere new? To say you don’t know what to expect about a place you’ve never been to before isn’t not really an insult to the place you’re going. But at the same time, even four year olds know what to expect when their parents take them to the carousel for the first time.
“I planned a great trip to Canyon Ranch, and I didn’t invite the other girls because I didn’t want to.” – Cindy
Before their trip to Morocco, Cindy tried to do something nice for the group (minus Ramona and Sonja) and put together a trip to a spa so they could get relaxed before their trip to Morocco. Now, it’s probably not weird for these women at all to go to a spa before they are to take an exotic trip because in all fairness, a trip to Morocco doesn’t sound that relaxing. However, the other part of me recognizes this as insanity, and it’s the same kind of insanity that a friend of mine has because she always has one cleaning lady come to her house before her other cleaning lady comes. “The 2nd cleaning lady is just too judgmental, and she’s the one I want to impress,” my friend says. Anyway, as Kelly, LuAnn, Jill, and Cindy took a party bus up to the ranch and while they were on the road, Kelly told the other women how she went over to Sonja’s house the day before and watched as Sonja did a photo shoot for her nonexistent toaster oven cookbook. Kelly said that as Sonja was rolling around on her table for the photographer, Sonja flashed her lady bits to Kelly and she didn’t have any underwear on. Kelly said she was horrified because she’d never seen another woman’s vagina before, but she avoided actually saying the word “vagina” like it was a traffic cone since she was too embarrassed to come out and say it. Of course, Cindy said it over and over again because she sees about 1,000 vaginas a day and it’s fine for her, and LuAnn smartly pointed out how ironic it is for a model to have never seen another woman’s vagina. Eventually, the conversation shifted to how hard it is to raise kids, and Kelly complained to LuAnn about how hard it is to raise two kids alone.
“I’m not going. I cannot go on a trip with Ramona.” – Kelly
At dinner at Canyon Ranch, Kelly told the other women she wasn’t going to go on the trip to Morocco because she didn’t want to be around Ramona. They all asked Kelly as to why she wasn’t going to come along and she said she just couldn’t handle the stress of being around her and she didn’t want to waste a trip to Morocco being all upset over Ramona. LuAnn tried really hard to explain that the excursion wasn’t going to be all about Ramona, and that there would be plenty of time for Kelly to enjoy herself and that they’d have Kelly’s back if Ramona should ever wish to enter into combat with her. But she can’t even say “vagina” out loud, so this random refusal kind of makes sense.
“I’d rather stay home and pick my nose.” – Jill
Jill put together an event to raise awareness about bullying on college campuses, and invited everyone. While she was preparing the goodie bags, Jill told Alex to make sure Ramona didn’t attack her or cause trouble at the event, and Alex assured her that nothing like that would happen. When Ramona eventually showed up, Jill said they needed to talk about some fight they had and Ramona said they would talk about it once they were in Morocco. Jill maintained she didn’t want to even get on the plane in a fight with someone, but she also didn’t want to get bullied by Ramona at an event to raise awareness for bullying…although that seems like that would have been a much better way to get the message across that bullying is a bad thing, rather than putting Sharpies in Zarin Fabics bags. But instead of picking on Jill, Ramona decided to attack LuAnn for wearing a dress that was in a style that she normally wears. LuAnn said it was especially bitchy of Ramona to tell her she couldn’t wear certain styles of dresses, and it was! Can you imagine having to find something else to wear out into the world and to your weekly appointment with Ralph Lauren to discuss his upcoming line of China because someone else demands you to not wear ruching ? Dahhling, I never.
“When you bring Pino to a party, there is an issue.” – LuAnn
At Kelly’s event, Ramona claimed that the caterer asked her to bring her own wine, but Jill said he definitely did not do that because she already picked out a wine. Ramona continued insisting that she was asked to bring her own wine to the event, and Jill finally realized she was supposed to put the wine in the goodie bags. But she couldn’t because all the bottles had been opened. The other women came to the conclusion that the only reason Ramona made her own wine is so it’s socially acceptable for her to be drinking it all the time. While that was happening, Kelly went up to Ramona and told her she changed her mind and was going to go to Morocco with everyone, and she told Ramona to “understand her feelings.” Then Kelly criticized her skirt because they might as well start the trip early.
“She has so much inner-confidence that you didn’t really notice that her face IS deformed.” – Ramona
The episode ended BRILLIANTLY. What happened was Jill’s stepdaughter got up and gave a speech about how she was born with a birthmark on her face that resulted in so much bullying that she would go to sleep and wish that she wouldn’t wake up. It was a very moving story that everyone responded to, whether by crying or by giving her a standing ovation. While the girl was speaking however, Ramona was running around and putting her Pino Grigio on the tables. Jill saw what Ramona was doing and went up to her and asked why she wasn’t seated throughout the speech, and Ramona explained that not enough people had her wine and she was just giving them the option to drink it by pouring it in their glasses. Then, Ramona commended Jill on having such a tremendously brave step-daughter, CONSIDERING HOW FUCKED UP HER FACE IS. Jill immediately walked away because she knew she was about to explode, and Ramona just kept on alerting the waitstaff to where all the abandoned glasses were.