S4:E9 “This is so gorgeous. Oh my god, look at these lamps.” – Kelly
This episode began with LuAnn, Kelly, Jill and Cindy on a plane to Morocco. It was pretty normal. They were in first class, drinking wine, reading Vanity Fair, and leaning over their seats to chat like they were a bunch of 6th grade girls on a bus to visit DC. They made a toast to celebrate everyone that got along with them, and told the people who didn’t to just go fuck themselves. Once they arrived in Morocco, they drove to the house where they were going to stay and LuAnn tried to impress them all by saying that Brad Pitt had just left instead of saying, oh, I don’t know, “WELCOME TO MOROCCO, SOMEWHERE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE!” Kelly was particularly mesmerized with what she saw in the house and repeatedly remarked at how “luminous” everything was, and it was totally great to see her finally use a descriptive word correctly. They had the first day to themselves while they waited for Sonja, Ramona and Alex to arrive, and they spent it wishing they had sweetener to put in their tea. Cindy called her babies and sang “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” while the nannies licked all of her silverware, and LuAnn and Jill played tennis.
“The first thing that really captured my eye was the dust. I don’t like dirt. We’re in this van, it’s bumpy, it’s dusty, I’m seeing poverty all over…” – Ramona
When Ramona, Sonja and Alex arrived in Morocco and were driving to the house, Ramona complained about how the landscape didn’t look as luxurious as she hoped it would. When she even asked the driver where they were, she answered for him by saying “the wrong side of town.” I seriously do not remember Ramona being this much of a tramp last season, but someone close to her seriously must have died because that is the only explanation as to why all the molecules in her body have electrons of shit rotating around them. When they finally arrived at where they were going to be staying, all the staff were waiting for them outside to greet them and LuAnn was standing with them in a beautiful frock, but it she was as much of a tourist as someone who walks around NYC in Reeboks. Sonja, Alex and Ramona got out of the car and while they were walking towards the house, Ramona shouted louder than a Salvation Army Santa Claus and said “Oh, LuAnn, I thought you were part of the staff to greet us! You’re so native looking now I didn’t know it was you!” Once the girls who just arrived got settled in and comfortable and realized that they were going to be okay because plants have the ability to grow in Morocco, Ramona went upstairs to her room and demanded that someone unpack her bags for her. Sonja went in to help her, and was surprised to see that Ramona had packed booty shorts, leopard print dresses, and see-through muumuus for her stay. Ramona also requested that the house have arm weights for her because she wanted to (understandably!) give her kegels a break.
“Did you take my hangers?” – Cindy
Cindy went up to her room and found all of the hangers that were previously in her closet to be no longer there. She immediately went into Ramona and Sonja’s room and asked if either one of them had taken her hangers. Ramona said she didn’t take anything, and that the hangers in her closet here there because she brought all of her clothes on hangers and she requested hangers to be in the closet when she got there. So no, Ramona said she did not take Cindy’s hangers. Cindy asked who, then, took her hangers? And Ramona didn’t know because again, all of her things came on hangers and she requested that there be hangers in her closet. So Cindy started sulking around the house because she had nothing to prevent her clothes from wrinkling with. Eventually, the hostess got Cindy more hangers and she went downstairs again. Ramona and Sonja started talking about Cindy about how neurotic she is about hangers, and Cindy heard and she walked right upstairs and said “thanks for giving me more hangers, you can use my old hangers.” Then she went back downstairs again, and Ramona said Cindy needed to loosen up and it might help if she had a hanger up her butt. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA. HANGERS! Afterwards, Cindy went outside to tell LuAnn, Kelly and Jill what happened to all her hangers, and LuAnn (being the person responsible for this entire trip, which to reiterate, is something that shakes me to my core and I would rather be a target of Ryan Murphy than be responsible for a trip that consists of seven women) went inside and asked the staff for even more hangers. HANGERS HANGERS HANGERS.
“Is that venom or is that semen?” – Sonja
When LuAnn, Kelly, Jill and Cindy went shopping during the day, they ran into one of their friends, Brad, from the states and he invited them to his house for a party. All the women decided to attend and when they arrived, they found it amusing that Brad told them it was his house when it reality, it was a bed and breakfast. The entertainment for the night was a snake charmer, and as the snake was slithering around not being charmed, some venom dripped out of his mouth and Sonja pointed out to everyone how much it looked like semen. Meanwhile, Jill walked around with snakes on her head and told everyone that they should do the same because it’s just like wearing a belt on your head. Brad also had hired a fortuneteller for the night, and each one of the women was going to get their fortunes told to them because their lives are just so mysterious and they need so much guidance. After the lady told Jill that she talked too much but that it was okay because her heart was big, she told Sonja that money isn’t important in life and Kelly that she should have a third baby. Then Ramona sat down and the lady looked at Kelly and said that Ramona’s husband was seeing another woman. Sonja started to cry and I don’t know about you, but I think when a woman cries who is not the woman that just found out her husband is cheating on her, it’s pretty weird. Then the episode ended with a “to be continued.” But we were given a taste of next week’s episode, and it looks like Sonja asks Ramona, “What if your husband leaves you after your daughter goes to college?” AND SONJA IS TOTALLY THE OTHER WOMAN. OR A HANGER!!!!! It is probably even debatable that they are one in the same.