S7:E8 “Love takes time.” – Constantine’s dad
This episode on The Bachelorette was the one where Ashley goes to all of the remaining guys’ hometowns and meets their families to see which group would be most willing to come take care of her Chihuahua, even though they are well aware that she is on her honeymoon having sex with their son. The first place Ashley went was called Cumming, Georgia, and it’s where Constantine was from. I will refrain from making any jokes about it for as long as I can, but seriously, no promises (DID YOU SEE HOW BIG “CUMMING” WAS PLASTERED ON THAT WATER TOWER? MY GOD, THIS IS WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF!) Anyway, the only other inhabitants of Cumming (in addition to Constantine and his family) are ducks and ducklings. So once Constantine met Ashley in a park, they sat down on a picnic bench with some pretty nice graffiti on it and they talked about how Constantine’s mom told him that the next time she’d see him, he would be with the girl he was supposed to be with. Then they went to a place called Giorgio’s, and it turned out that Constantine’s Greek family owns this Italian family style restaurant. So he took Ashley back into the kitchen and they made pizzas together and when Constantine told Ashley to put some of her favorite ingredients on top of the sauce, she tried to pick him up and hurl him into the dough. (It was actually pretty cute and I’m going to save it for the next time I’m in a kitchen with a Greek guy who owns an Italian restaurant because it’s just such a brilliant thing to do.) Then Ashley and Constantine got in their SUV and drove PAST THE CUMMING SIGN over to Constantine’s house, which looks to be in a very affluent neighborhood, complete with poodles in bandanas and signs that hang above the doors that welcome their sons home from their dating shows. So Ashley and Constantine walked in and Constantine’s mother, father and sister immediately greeted them. They were very receptive towards Ashley and they even invited her to join in on their group hug. Then they all sat down to dinner, where Constantine’s father told Ashley that she hasn’t ever had one of his lamb chops before (obviously?), and everyone drank wine out of those glasses with the pretty etchings on them so you can subtly impress upon someone that they can afford nice things if and once they finish getting their dental degree. Eventually, Constantine’s mother pulled Ashley aside, and once she told the cameras what I’ve been saying all along (which is that she thought Constantine and Ashley needed more time together because it’s so easy to fall in love when you’re releasing lanterns that contain your wishes on them in Taiwan of wherever), she instantly earned my respect. Anyway, so his mother asked Ashley if she was willing to relocate and become a part of a family who lives in a place called Cumming. Ashley said she could be happy wherever the person she loves is happy, and then the conversation ended because Cumming dwellers take someone’s word very seriously. When the family reconvened to marvel at the poodle (who someone had put in a little dress), all of a sudden, Constantine’s whole family busted through the door with alcohol and kabobs and babies and things got so chaotic that Constantine’s uncle or something whipped out a wad of crisp twenties and started throwing them up in the air.
“Do you have to work towards things or does it come naturally?” – Ames’ sister
The next hometown Ashley visited was Ames, in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. Ames met Ashley in some public park somewhere, wearing his best plaid lumberman number. Then they walked over to Ames’ house, where they were met by Ames’ mother, his sister, his brother, and his siblings’ spouses. As they sat down to have mojitos on what looked to be some pretty unforgiving lawn furniture, Ames recalled all the places he and Ashley had been and Ames’ mother couldn’t believe how healthy her son looked and credited Ashley for it for some reason. When Ames’ sister pulled Ashley away and led her to an indoor pool area that looked like a Turkish bathhouse, she told Ashley that she could tell just by looking at Ames that he had feelings for her, and then she asked Ashley point blank what her feelings for Ames were. It was at this very moment in the show that it became clear that Ashley doesn’t really have feelings for Ames, per say, and that the only reason she’s kept him around on the show is because she finds him interesting and peculiar and smart and whimsical. Ashley tried to cover for herself though and told Ames’ sister that even though their relationship has progressed much slower than some of the relationships she’s had with the other guys, she’s kept Ames around because she sees so many good things in him. Then Ashley asked about Ames’ father, and Ames’ sister told her that their dad died when Ames was 10, and then their stepfather also died later on in Ames life so that’s probably why Ames is more guarded and reserved compared to some of the other men Ashley might know. After Ashley finished talking to Ames’ sister, his mother came along and told Ashley that Ames has really been a wonderful son and one of the closest people in her life, and he’s someone who has really helped her when she’s struggled. Again, Ashley brought up the fact that her relationship with Ames has progressed even slower than it takes for the government to realize it should put salt on the roads after a snowstorm, but Ames’ mom was quick to remind Ashley that love is a marathon and not a sprint. Ashley seemed intrigued by that statement, but then just continued to think to herself that she doesn’t have the spark with Ames that she does with Ben, Constantine or J.P. After all the conversations ended and Ames’ sister pulled him aside and told him to be more romantic with Ashley, Ames took her to have a picnic in a garden under a magnolia tree, and he told her that Italians feel that the ordinary can be extraordinary, and that sometimes it’s better that way, and that you don’t need all kinds of bells and whistles to make life amazing. Then Ashley told him that all the people who made him feel inferior in high school and college were morons (which, is true I think for everybody), and then the pair shared what I believe to be their second kiss.
“It’s scary and exciting and I’m glad that it’s happening to me.” – Ben
The next place Ashley went was to Sonoma, California to visit Ben in his hometown of drunkenness. The first thing they did was pay a visit to Ben’s wine cellar to get some wine for them to drink on their picnic, but then it started to rain so they went onto some random porch of some random house (which was already wet, by the way), and just sat down there and drank. As they got to talking about how Ashley was going to be meeting Ben’s family later that night, Ben revealed that if his family didn’t like her, it would pretty much be the end of them because he places so much emphasis on their opinions. Ben talked a little bit about his dead dad, and Ashley seemed really interested in whether or not he would have liked her – which just goes to show you that Ashley is so much of a moron that she cares more about what dead people think of her rather than what the living people (with living opinions) think of her. When Ben finally brought Ashley over to his house to meet his sister and his mother, they had a very nice dinner and Ben told his family that he’s been very honest with Ashley about his emotions, which they acknowledged was a new thing for him. Then Ben’s sister pulled Ben aside and asked a really pointless question, which is what made him decide to open up to Ashley. Of course Ben answered, but it was almost like his sister wanted to know if Ashley bullied him into talking to her. And when Ben went to talk to his mother, he said Ashley made him realize that when his dad was dying, he should have been a better son and his mom essentially said fughetaboutit. And when Ashley sat down with Ben’s mom (who was wearing perhaps the most comfortable-looking shawl I’ve ever seen), she got to see what Ben’s dad looked like. But not much more of that conversation was seen, for some reason because before we knew it, Ben was escorting Ashley back to her SUV.
“We just need some ambiance.” – J.P.
Finally, Ashley went to visit JP in Long Island, and because it was supposed to rain the whole day, J.P. took her to a roller rink and it looked pretty awesome. The two of them laced up and as Ashley was joking about how much she was going to fall, J.P. said the only thing they needed now was ambiance, and then all of a sudden, the lights dimmed and a disco ball lowered and someone parted with a quarter to blast REO Speedwagon’s “Cant Fight This Feeling” through the speakers. Ashley totally loved it and said she felt like she was back in seventh grade again and it seemed like they shared more kisses than the amount of times that girls who work concession stands have gotten pregnant by the dudes who deliver the hot dogs. Someone was even kind enough to bring out a huge pillow thing for them so they could sit in the middle of the rink and drink wine, and J.P. apologized for having to drink the wine out of paper cups but Ashley said as long as they didn’t have to funnel it down their gullets straight out of the bottle (like real seventh graders) that it was fine! Afterwards, they went over to J.P.’s house, where Ashley met JP’s mother, father, brother and his brother’s girlfriend. They loaded up on lasagna with everyone and then J.P.’s mother took him outside and asked if J.P. was in love with Ashley. He said that there were a lot of signs that pointed to yes, which means J.P. really is stuck in seventh grade because not only does he venture to roller rinks, he answers people with responses from an 8-Ball. Then it was time for Ashley to sit down with J.P.’s mom, and she said that J.P. had had his heart broken before, and she wanted that to happen even less than she wanted to get gift from someone that was yet another sweater that had buttons sewn on it in places that don’t need buttons. Ashley said she understood, and then J.P.’s mom went out and got a huge picture of J.P. that all his friends signed when they went to his Bar Mitzvah, and J.P. looked so much like a young Kirk Cameron that it was disgusting.
Once Ashley completed all the hometown visits, everyone flew back to California so Ashley could eliminate one of them. In the end, Ashley eliminated Ames because she just didn’t feel the spark with him that she felt with the other guys…and when Ashley took Ames outside and sat on a bench with him to explain why she was sending him home, he wouldn’t let her speak! Instead, he just kept calling her impressive and exceptional and said that he was lucky to have her in his life! Oh geez. This guy. The bullies win again!