I like James Cameron, I swear I do. That said, seeing as he is the most prominent in a growing number of celebrities who are apparently going to solve the devastating oil spill currently raging in the Gulf of Mexico because they've been involved with movies that involve the ocean (and reporters thought their headlines couldn't get any better when Waterworld star Kevin Costner joined the fray), he's going to be the sole inspiration for this ludicrous topic: Directors Who Could Plug the Oil Spill Better Than James Cameron.
I must admit, Vincent Gallo was the first director I thought of for this list. Interpret that how you will, but have you seen the Brown Bunny? I'm fairly certain he would not only love to "plug" the oil spill, but he'd want to make sure he could show off his prowess in doing so by also video taping it for the world to see. This, of course, can only occur after Vincent Gallo treats the oil spill terribly, openly berates it whenever possible, and then takes it home to put on a false front for his disapproving parents. They will not be impressed.
Spike Lee / Michael Moore / Woody Allen
Have you ever been in argument or fight you know you could win if only you had the mental endurance to put up with the stream of endless babble spewing forth from your opponent's mouth? The kind of debate you give into simply because you can't stand to hear one more syllable uttered from the mouth of a certain someone? That's exactly what needs to happen to the oil spoil. James Cameron needs to loan Spike Lee, Michael Moore and Woody Allen a submersible with a megaphone and have them chew the ear off of the oil spoil until it surrenders. Spike Lee can be the confident one who never lets it get a word in edge wise. Michael Moore can be the guy who actually has some very valid points to make but whose personality is too annoying to galvanize anyone to action. And finally, Woody Allen can just be the neurotic mumbler the oil spill rolls over for just to make happy.
Shane Carruth may only have one film under his belt, but all he needs is Primer to put an end to this Devil's spew. Again, the world requires use of one submarine from James Cameron's secret fleet, but all we need to do is get Carruth down there with a ruggedized flat screen and show the oil spill his twisty time traveler. After it's over and the oil spill is pretty sure he's got it all figured out, that's when Carruth holds up a chronological diagram illustrating all of the permutations of Aaron and Abe as they slide through time. At this point the oil spill will be too embarrassed to admit that he still doesn't get it and will instead just seal up so it can study the diagram closer once Carruth heads back to the surface.
Because if Cameron can do it, Kathryn Bigelow can do it better and for far less money. Unfortunately the rest of the world will just take a few years to catch on to this fact. And even then some will just see it as Cameron letting her plug it because his mantle was already full of awards for preventing environmental disasters.
Uwe Boll / Brett Ratner
One of the actual plans BP cooked up to quell the swelling black tide seeping from the ocean floor was the "junk shot". Basically, the genius idea was to pile a bunch of trash on top of and into the leak and hopefully it would be enough to plug it up. Well, it didn't exactly work. It's not that it was a worthless idea, though, they just happened to use the wrong kind of junk as ammunition. Get Uwe Boll and Brett Ratner down there to brainstorm up a solution and I guarantee the first thing they create will be denser and of less value to the world than any of the literal garbage BP's engineers tried to use the first time around. Junk of the Boll/Ratner magnitude will undoubtedly crush the spill into submissions. And then, hopefully, Boll will open the sub's hatch to punch the critical spill in the face just for good measure. The world could use two wins (three if they both are never heard from again) right now.