20 Questions From a ‘Bachelor’ Newbie


Yes ladies, it’s true — not everyone is into The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad franchise. (I’ll pause and let that sink in, while a single rose falls silently to the floor.) In fact, until last night, some of us — very willingly — had never seen one episode of the long-running shitshow. But sometimes, some people move from Los Angeles to New York City, and they only have one TV and their new roommate hates all of their favorite shows like Game of Thrones and Doctor Who and entices them to watch The Bachelor with them with the promise of free wine and dinner. Yes, sometimes this happens, and last night, it happened to me.

I have always willingly embraced by own optimistic naïveté, and a fundamental belief that most people, deep down, are capable of kindness and good. That they, in some shape or form, want to make their small portion of this world a better place. I’ve watched a lot of reality television in my TV-reviewing days, and though figures like J-Woww and Snooki are frequently criticized for legitimate reasons, at least they’ve proven themselves to be adept at making money, and at maintaining positive, mutually beneficial female friendships. J-Woww has a healthy amount of self-esteem, and would never sit around pouting — calling herself useless — if Roger left her for greener pastures. With the obvious exception of Sammi Sweetheart, most women on reality TV, despite their many faults, are able to exist without the muscled arms of an All-American boy taking care of their every need. 

The women that I saw on The Bachelor on Monday are a completely different story. These horrid creatures perpetuate the belief that women are sad, crazy, desperate loons who — at the age of, say, 25 or 26 — are useless without a man, even with full-time jobs, gorgeous looks, and brains to boot. My poor sad brain is filled with countless questions as to why people would tune in to 17 seasons of this antiquated, anti-feminist mess, but here are the first 20 that sprouted up last night:

1. Why?

2. Isn’t sitting around all day drawing sketches of an outfit you’ll wear once and dreaming of a perfect Ken Doll a recipe for total disappointment?

3. Why would anyone get a heart tattoo? (Just kidding, I have a heart tattoo, but Tierra is THE WORST.)

4. What’s the difference between a regular model, a fit model, and a fashion model?

5. Who is this 50 Shades of Grey woman and why on Earth don’t I know her?

6. Is Sean Lowe a Mormon?

7. Is Sean Lowe even remotely interesting?

8. Would my parents disown me if I went on this show? (Yes)

9. What is a “professional organizer,” and why does it terrify me?

10. Isn’t “most guys would rather date a girl with two arms” the most depressing statement ever, and totally not true in her case (or Bethany Hamilton’s) because she seems cool and really smart?

11. Why are the cast-offs crying about losing love when they knew the guy for 10 minutes and met him while under the influence of at least five glasses of wine?

12. Why is this girl pretending to know anything about football? Is that necessary to attract true love?

13. Why aren’t I drinking more?

14. Who raised this girl in the wedding dress, and what are they thinking right now? Also — how many Pintrest wedding boards does she have?

15. Wait, did he seriously just pick the girl in the wedding dress?

16. Do hetero dudes really give other hetero dudes kissing lessons?

17. AshLee?

18. What kind of noise does a rose make when it dramatically falls to the ground?

19. What does desperation smell like?

20. Again, why?

Bonus Non-Question: I hate my roommate.

Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna



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