Even though this season of True Blood may not have been the most thrilling — too much politics, not enough witches — we’re still just a little bit depressed that the season has ended and we’ll have to wait yet another excruciating year for more episodes of bloody drama. And yet, we plan to really utilize the hiatus to revel in the shared wisdom that we have gained from watching five seasons of HBO’s sultry vampire saga.
Over the past five years, we’ve certainly learned a lot about vampires… and ourselves. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve watched crazy people murder, screw, possess and eat each other, and I think it’s safe to say that we’ve come out as better, non-homicidal people because of it all.
Here’s a brief look back at all of the lessons we’ve learned over our time spent in the jolly fantasy land that is Bon Temps, Louisiana:
Nobody puts maenad in the corner.If given the opportunity to kill a maniacal villain, it’s best to just half-ass the murder and bury him in concrete… you know, because you wanted to make a statement. It totally won’t come back to bite you in the ass.If you are planning to give someone the True Death, make sure you bring cleaning supplies.Restaurant working shifts are very flexible. Feel free to come and go whenever you please, unless you’re ginger. Bonus points go to the employees who bring their personal vendettas and fistfight drama into the workplace. Similarly, no amount of bad publicity (including on-site murders and supernatural disasters) will kill your restaurant’s evening rush hour.Most night clubs should have either a screaming human employee OR an underground prison, but usually not both.No vampires actually drink Tru Blood.If you’re in trouble, just scream really loudly. Be warned: the screen may actually cut to black for a few seconds, but wait a week, and then you’ll be rescued by a fast-steppin’ vampire.All panthers are rednecks, but not all werewolves are bikers. Most of them, though.Don’t trust a man-whore and your wife in the same room, especially if there’s a bathtub.Some vampires handle silver better than others.Fairy blood tastes fine and all, but can’t hold a candle to Chipotle.If you take a bullet for someone, you will end up a vampire.Painting your toenails is good for a cliffhanger, but does little to nothing for actual body identification should you ever find yourself murdered in the back seat of a car.The smaller the town, the stupider the police force.Pecan pie makes for excellent mourning food.Meth addicts have terrible teeth, and even worse fashion sense.Never bring a vampire home to meet your mother.When proposing to someone, make sure they don’t leave the room, lest you be kidnapped. It’s a risk you just can’t take.Don’t chase pigs through the woods.Nobody sings quiet, melancholy 1920s lullabies unless he/she is a possessed spirit.No one gets bug bites, apparently.Not every witch sounds like she needs cold medicine; only the powerful ones.Dogfighting is wrong.You can get anywhere in Louisiana by running really, really, really quickly.It’s best to invest in shirts with pop-off buttons, because when you live in Bon Temps, your shirt will more than likely spend most of its time being aggressively ripped off.
[Photo Credit: HBO]