Everyone's favorite future monarch, Prince Harry, is set to begin a month-long trek across Antarctica as part of a charity expedition with Walking With the Wounded. Harry will lead of team of veterans who were wounded in combat in a race across the continent in order to raise money and awareness for injured and wounded veterans, as well as to highlight their strength and courage. The group will fly to South Africa on Sunday, and then on to Antarctica two days later, where they will spend some time getting acclimated to the sub-zero temperatures before the race against teams from the United States and the British Commonwealth begins on November 30. They are expected to reach the South Pole around December 16.
We don't want to demean or disparage Harry's charity work, but since everywhere the prince goes, hijinks ensue and trouble follows, we couldn't help but wonder: what else could the prince be getting up to on his journey to the South Pole? We've come up with four possible theories for why Prince Harry is really trekking across Antarctica.
He's trying to take over from Santa Claus.For most of his life, Prince Harry has been followed closely by the press, many of whom have declared that his antics and wild behavior make him an unsuitable future king. Little did they know, however, that the throne Harry has his eye on is not in England... but in the North Pole. After all, the only way for him to become more beloved than he already is would be to become Santa Claus, and spread the joy of presents and candy canes to children every year. Plus, the job won't interfere with his military or party obligations, as it only really requires him to work during the holiday season. So, when Harry arrives at the South Pole, conveniently just before Christmas, he will begin his take down of Father Christmas by opening up his own holiday headquarters and using his title and fame to attract enough attention to cripple Santa's operation. Then, after he buys up the whole enterprise, he will finally be the most popular member of the royal family. Don't feel too bad for old St. Nick, though - Harry knows a couple of ideal vacation spots for him to retire.
He's secretly building an army of Emperor Penguins. There was a time when the British Empire was the most impressive and expansive empire of all, taking up so much of the globe that the sun literally never set on it. If Harry manages to recruit, train and mobilize and army of penguins while trekking across Antarctica, the British Empire could soon return to its former glory. The continent is the ideal place to secretly train an animal army, as it is made up of frozen wasteland with very little surveillance or chance of being recognized. In addition, as a Captain in the UK Army Air Corps and with a team of former military personnel by his side, Harry has the experience and knowledge to turn any penguins he comes across from ordinary birds into a full-blown military operation. The downside is, of course, that they will have a hard time dealing with temperatures above freezing, but we're sure Harry will be able to figure out a way to solve that problem. So, if you see any photos of Harry with a penguin over the course of his expedition, just remember: it's not a photo-op, it's a carefully calculated military maneuver.
He wants to protect the life force of Queen Elizabeth. Queen Elizabeth II just celebrated her sixtieth year on the throne, and at age 87, shows no signs of slowing or stepping down any time soon. While her heath and vigor is likely due to good genes, determination, and an active lifestyle, there are some who say that the secret to her long life is because all of her life power comes from a magic stone buried deep beneath the ice at the South Pole. If anything were to happen to it, then effects would be catastrophic for both the United Kingdom and the Royal Family. There have been whisperings of threats being made on the Queen's life-force stone recently, so they sent Harry on an expedition to the South Pole so that he can find and move the stone to another isolated corner of the globe and protect his grandmother's life. When they heard that Walking With the Wounded was heading to Antarctica this year, they sent Harry, who has long been a patron of the charity, in order to ensure that nobody outside of the family interfered with the mission, and thus greatly reducing the chances that harm would come to the Queen.
He's trying to achieve his life-long goal of playing strip billiards on every continent. If you've picked up a tabloid or read a gossip site at some point in your life, you're probably aware that Prince Harry is something of a party animal. Last summer, photographs of him playing strip billiards in Las Vegas were leaked to the press, causing quite the scandal. However, what the papers failed to realize is that it was all part of the prince's master plan to play the game at least once on every single continent. Antarctica is one of the last ones on his list, and so he's made sure to pack a portable billiards table and all of the cues and balls needed, so that when his team arrives at the South Pole, they can celebrate with a rousing game. Of course, due to the fact that average temperatures there are around -35 degrees, the rules have been amended slightly. Instead of stripping off entirely, the game will continue until the players are clad in only their long johns so that nobody gets frostbite. It may sound ridiculous, of course, but if Harry arrives back in England and seems to be stuck with a persistent chill, well... he probably and a lot of fun catching it.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
The barren frozen landscape of Antarctica provides the setting for Whiteout a mystery/thriller from Dominic Sena director of Swordfish and Gone in 60 Seconds. U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko is nearing the end of her two-year tenure as the only law-enforcement authority in the entire territory when the mangled body of a murdered scientist is discovered on the ice.
As winter dawns bringing with it six months of total darkness Carrie mounts her hunt for the killer hoping to solve the case before the last plane exits the continent. But the mystery only broadens with each ensuing clue – and the discovery of more frozen corpses – leaving her with a troubling question: Who among the territory’s close-knit research community is capable of such viciousness and why would they do it? The answer may lie in the cargo hold of a Soviet airplane that crashlanded on Antarctica over 50 years ago.
WHO’S IN IT?
Kate Beckinsale trades her leather Underworld duds for a considerably less sexy parka-and-goggles ensemble to play Carrie the reluctant Marshal saddled with Antarctica’s first-ever homicide case. Evening up the cast's eye-candy ledger is the poor man’s Matthew McConaughey Gabriel Macht (The Spirit) in the role of a U.N. investigator sent in to expedite the investigation. Veteran character actor Tom Skerritt (Contact A River Runs Through It) plays the humble country doctor who helps Carrie with all of the gruesome examination of the corpses while Columbus Short (Stomp the Yard Save the Last Dance) plays her hardy airplane pilot.
For those of you who worried that sub-zero temperatures might limit opportunities to dress Beckinsale up in skin-tight outfits director Sena addresses your anxieties at the outset proffering an extended disrobing/showering scene within minutes of the opening credits. Bravo!
Near the beginning of the story one of the characters utters Whiteout’s signature line regarding Antarctica: “Nature never intended you to survive here.” Nor did she intend for you to set movies there. A predictable plot laughable dialogue occasionally inscrutable action scenes and a series of tedious flashbacks are just a few of the problems that plague the film.
Oftentimes it can be challenging to pinpoint exactly when a movie starts to fall apart but in the case of Whiteout it’s refreshingly simple. After leaving a hand injury untreated for too long allowing it to develop a nasty case of frostbite Carrie is forced to have two of her fingers amputated. She and the doctor share a tender moment as he begins the procedure; then suddenly we hear a loud *snip* offscreen followed by the sound of her lifeless appendage bouncing around a metal bowl to which Skerritt adds reassuringly “We’re halfway there.” It’s the first of many laugh-out-loud moments that turn what could have been an entertaining – if ludicrous – action-thriller into a comically dimwitted cinematic train wreck.
CHOOSE THE QUOTE!
Which of the wacky quips below do you like best?
"Whiteout will leave you cold."
"Quality takes a snow day in Whiteout."
"Even sizzling Beckinsale can’t heat up tepid Whiteout."
"Whiteout’s forecast calls for repeated flurries of terrible filmmaking."
"An avalanche of flaws buries Whiteout."
Register your vote — or add your own wacky quote — in the comments section!
While Antarctica may look like a bundle of fun it really isn’t--but it IS teeming with important geological discoveries. Or so they say. Our story inspired on real events begins when geologist Davis (Bruce Greenwood) arrives at one of the field bases ready to find the next greatest rock. He meets survival guide Jerry Shepard (Paul Walker) wisecrack cartographer Cooper (Jason Biggs) and beautiful bush pilot Katie (Moon Bloodgood) as well as Shepard’s team of eight skilled sled dogs. When the expedition goes awry however Jerry and Davis narrowly escape with their lives thanks to the steadfast determination of the dogs. Now because of their injuries and an encroaching storm the group must evacuate and leave the beloved dogs behind--with little hope of returning to retrieve them. Stranded the intelligent courageous dogs fight to make it through the most unforgiving winter on the planet while the heartbroken Jerry is driven to mount a seemingly impossible rescue mission. Say what you will about the rather vapid Walker’s so-called acting skills the outdoorsy fellow still knows how to pick projects best suited for himself. Last summer he went deep sea diving in the Bahamas with the beautiful Jessica Alba in Into the Blue and didn’t really have to do much but look buff and bronzed. Now in Eight Below he trudges through ice and snow with a pack of beautiful Huskies looking wind-burned and sad. Not sure where the trade off is but Walker manages to effectively convey a guy dedicated to rescuing his best friends. You root for him all the way. Greenwood also does a nice turn as the geologist . He seems to be at first just another egghead who only cares about finding his meteor rock at any cost. But after the dogs save his life and he sees how tortured Jerry is over leaving them (because it’s basically his fault they are having to rush out) Davis grows a heart. American Pie’s Biggs is mostly around to provide the laughs. Talk about a bitch of a film shoot. Sub-freezing temperatures scads of ice fields dogs--director Frank Marshall must be crazy! Best known as Steven Spielberg’s longtime producing partner for Amblin Entertainment Marshall has only had a few directing gigs one of them being the tense cannibal/survivalist film Alive!. It’s obvious he knows about being cold. For Eight Below however they didn’t actually film in Antarctica because well they would have froze to death opting instead for the ice capped mountains in British Columbia as well as some breathtaking shots of glaciers in Greenland. You really can’t tell the difference (like we would know). And as far as the dogs are concerned Marshall and his crew couldn’t have found more gorgeous well-trained animals. Apparently since 1993 sled dogs have been banned in Antarctica to protect the continent’s seals from exposure to the disease known as distemper. But when they were used they were an integral part of any expedition. You can just see the intelligence in these dogs’ eyes and watching them work together to survive is as thrilling as it is heartbreaking. Marshall may be crazy but he knows what he’s doing.
What would the supermarket tabloids do without Whitney and Bobby? The National Enquirer's ace investigative reporters have gone to great lengths to obtain exclusive photos of the R&B power couple’s alleged "drug den," a hotel suite the pair rented for two days (while their daughter stayed in an adjacent suite).
And here’s what the Enquirer reportedly found: remnants of marijuana, rolling papers, an empty Jack Daniels bottle, 16 empty Budweiser bottles, baking soda and a spoon.
After which, the Enquirer explained the process involved in freebasing cocaine (the implication being ... well, you get the drift).
And, for readers who don't like to read, the tabloid has conveniently captured the alleged drug den artifacts in one color photo, displayed prominently in the article.
Had enough? If not, here's our Tabloid Top 10 for the week of Aug. 22-28:
1. "Natalie Cole Shocker: I Sold My Body to Buy Drugs" (Enquirer, p. 8) So says one "insider" who has read the advance manuscript to the singer’s autobiography "Angel Dust," er, that's "Angel on my Shoulder."
2. "Ted Kennedy Followed Me to the Bathroom!" (Star, p. 24) Teddy Kennedy reportedly was so "smitten" with a 23-year-old ex-intern that she had to "lock herself in the ladies' restroom to get away from him." There are photos of a portly Ted, the buxom ex-intern and a panoramic shot of the White House.
3. "I Delivered My Own baby -- By C-Section" (Enquirer, p. 18) No, we are not talking about Madonna, but an Oldham, England, woman who performed the headline deed in what the tab christened "the first do-it-yourself Cesarean section."
4. "'Empty Nest' Star's Brave Last Days" (Enquirer, p. 29) Sexagenarian sitcom actor Richard Mulligan is reportedly dying of colon cancer, and his porn star wife is nowhere in sight. Nothing funny here, but it's cool to see that ol' Bert from "Soap" is still kicking.
5. "Lost Continent of Atlantis Found 1,200 Feet Below Antarctica" (Weekly World News, p. 15) We picked this one for the artist's illustration, which looks exactly like the buried city of Pompeii, only covered in snow. Very imaginative, guys.
6. "Seer Says the Winner Is ... Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!" And so does half of the free world who watches "Survivor."
Gallagher 7. "Gallagher Gets Last Laugh As He Smashes Look-Alike Brother's Career" (Enquirer, p. 1.) The watermelon-smashing guy uses the law to stop his younger bro from stealing his signature schtick. Note the eerie similarity between this story and the "Simpsons" episode where Sideshow Bob’s younger brother, Cecil, tried to take over his act on the "Krusty the Clown Show."
8. "Ever Feel Like Running Over Somebody?" (Weekly World News, p. 33) "Well, you can mow down pedestrians like flies in Brazil, and not a damn thing will happen to you!" Yeah, but gas costs $27 a gallon there.
9. "Sleeping on the Job Is Good For You" (Weekly World News, p. 11) We knew that.
10. "Revealed! Secrets of Real Mrs. Robinson" (Globe, p. 64) "The Graduate" author Charles Webb reportedly said that the diva character is based on his prep school teacher. Except for the fact tat his teacher looks like an old school marm, while Anne Bancroft was hot.
Hollywood.com's Tabloid Top 10 is a weekly rundown of the best, worst and weirdest from America's supermarket journalism.