Season 4 of Glee has been a whirlwind of break-ups and shake-ups, but unfortunately there haven’t been any make-ups. (Yet!) But even with all these ups and downs, there’s one thing we can all agree on: the musical performances have never been better! Seriously.
It's hard to believe there's only one episode left in the season. After all, it seems like it was only yesterday that Rachel was NYADA slapped with the nickname of “Little Miss David Schwimmer” or Marley made her sweetly naïve debut in the McKinley Halls. Now 21 episodes later, we’re sad to say goodbye, but of course — since this is Glee we’re talking about here — we’re going to bid adieu in the most musical way possible.
We’ve gathered up the top ten most toe-tapping, tear-jerking and jaw-dropping songs of Season 4 and wrapped them together with a big glittery bow. From heartfelt ballads to energetic group numbers to emotional acoustic renditions, the cast of the chart-topping series has given faithful Glee fans some truly phenomenal performances this year.
These ten songs are the best of the best and we found it absolutely impossible to rank them on a scale of incredible to amazing — so just think of this as a ten-way Season 4 tie. Did you favorite song make the cut? Reminisce through all the Glee greatness to find out!
“The Scientist” — Finn, Rachel, Kurt, Blaine, Santana, Brittany, Will, Emma: If the first 45 minutes of “The Break Up” didn’t have you blubbering like a baby, then this Coldplay cover definitely pushed you over the edge. All four relationships were left hanging in the balance in this hauntingly simple performance and of course, the flashbacks to their beginning of each of their relationships were, and still are beautifully heartbreaking.
“Girl on Fire” — Santana: We watched Santana shimmy and shake with her college cheerleading team, but every gleek knew that she was capable of so much more — and then this fiercely phenomenal song happened. It was empowering to watch Santana finally follow her dreams to New York and dare we say it? Santana blew Alicia Keys out of the water!
“This is The New Year” — New Directions: This performance is the epitome of Glee: it’s catchy, fun, cheerful, silly, and, honestly, it just makes you smile. In this A Great Big World rendition everyone looks incredible, sounds wonderful and hearing the a capella beginning is giving us mini Warbler flashbacks. Plus, Lord Tubbington makes a small cameo! It’s impossible not to fall head over heels for that fat little face.
“We’ve Got Tonight’ — Finn and Rachel: After one of the most adorable scenes to ever be recorded in Glee history — ahem, yes we’re talking about the Flower scene — Finchel fans practically exploded from excitement during this duet. Not only is this Valentine’s Day duet special for those who are singing it, this song brought many couples (old and new) together. And of course watching Finn and Rachel reconnect while singing the Bob Seger love song was just too adorable for words.
“Let Me Love You” — Jake: This stripped down version of Ne-Yo's “Let me Love You” is spectacular and it transformed into a quintessential love song. The room may be filled with people, but it’s clear that Jake is pouring her heart into this song for only one person: Marley. His voice will gently and sweetly blow your mind and then make you kind of depressed because you know that no one that attractive and sweet is going to sing a ballad for you in a high school glee club. Sigh.
NEXT: Five More Incredible Glee Songs from Season 4 and Honorable Mentions!
“At The Ballet” — Santana, Isabelle, Rachel Kurt: This song is without a doubt, one hundred percent, absolutely gorgeous. We’re already well aware of Santana, Kurt and Rachel’s mesmerizing voices so it’s lovely to hear Sarah Jessica Parker keeping up with our talented trio. From the gorgeous ballerinas dancing in the background to the flashbacks of out tiny dancers, Glee certainly succeeded with this song from A Chorus Line. Now please excuse us while we re-listen to this Broadway classic over and over again.
"Homeward Bound/Home" — Quinn, Puck, Mike, Santana, Mercedes, and Finn: What can we say? It should be painstakingly obvious as to why this song made the top ten. Watching this Thanksgiving reunion between six of the original New Directions made us incredibly nostalgic for the good ‘ol days of Glee. Their voices were pure, the story lines were exciting, and the characters were people that we truly cared about. Plus this mash-up between Simon & Garnfunkel and Phillip Phillips is just lovely.
“Mine” — Santana: If you didn’t shed a tear during this performance then I’m not sure that you have a soul. Harsh, but oh-so true. Santana’s rendition of Taylor Swift’s “Mine” is incredibly moving, chilling, and above all simply lovely. Using only the emotions on her face, she is able to express deep feelings of angst, compassion, and love to the audience all while singing flawlessly. It's breathtakingly perfect.
“Don’t Dream It’s Over” — New Directions: Watching the new New Directions come together and sing this Crowded House song in the snowy quad was inspiring. This song is already fantastic but when you add in snow, and cute winter clothes, and the glee club declaring their allegiance together, it’s enough to melt even the coldest of hearts.
“Don’t Stop Believin’” — Rachel: This song has become the heart and soul of Glee and the fact that these familiar lyrics were accompanied with pilot fantasies makes it even more exciting. This is the third time that Glee featured this Journey classic and clearly third time’s the charm. Rachel really transformed this song and made it her own and watching that the original 5 glee clubbers back her up in spirit made any true Glee fan a little teary-eyed.
Some Nights” — New Directions: The newbies got their time to shine.
“Next to Me” — Rachel and Shelby: The best mother/daughter duet to date.
“Shout” — New Directions: It was their 500th song!
What was your absolute favorite song from Glee’s fourth season? Are there any performances you think should’ve made the cut?
The Season 4 finale of Glee airs on Thursday on Fox at 9 PM.
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
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I was a little sad when turning on the DVR last night to get to the Survivor: Philippines finale. It seemed like another foregone conclusion. Malcolm, who had been a power player all season (and heartthroblicious like a poster of Davy Jones ripped out of Tiger Beat magazine), made it to the final four so he for sure was going to take home the $1 million prize. Snoozeville. Luckily I was wrong and while the winner might not have exactly been a fan favorite, it was a satisfying end to a crazy season.
Congrats, Denise, you really earned it, but when the hour began I thought you had next to no chance to win. I think I underestimated her, which seems to be how Denise got her way to the $1 million check. When the hour started it seemed like Malcolm was a lock for immunity, would take himself, Denise, and either Lisa or Michael to the final, but it didn't matter. He played so well and was so likeable that he was going to get all the votes if he got himself on one of those uncomfortable looking log chairs at the end of the game. So it seemed, so it seemed.
Then there was a reward challenge, which isn't customary in this stage of the game, especially since Ford stopped sponsoring the thing and giving away a damn truck every year. But no, they were playing for something different. They were playing to spend a night cuddling with Malcolm under the stars and inhaling his scent and letting his hair fall limply over their naked skin. No wait, that's what I want to be playing for and what all of them have gotten for the better part of a month. They were playing for an advantage in the final immunity challenge. Very interesting.
Because it was a Survivor challenge they had to dodge a bunch of obstacles picking up puzzle pieces along the way and then solve a puzzle to win the advantage. Did they just not have a lot of staging area this year, because the challenges, as a whole, seemed pretty uninventive? Challenge, challenge, challenge; boring, boring, boring and Malcolm wins because of course. Malcolm wins everything. He gets the advantage. He has this in the bag. Snoozeville.
Back at camp, Denise says to Malcolm, "Hey, I'm a smart lady with eyes, so I know you're going to win. You're going to take me to the final three, right?" He says, "Ummm, ahhhh. Well. I. Uh. I guess. I'm so... I don't even know yet. I think that. Well, first I have to win and then, well, I don't know." Denise, being a smart lady with eyes, knows he is not going to take her, so she approaches Lisa and says, "Look, I am a smart lady with eyes so Malcolm is going to win this, but if he doesn't, we need to get rid of him. We really do. He's going to crush us." She agrees, they hug, they squeal, they jump up and down three times and it is just like recess in fourth grade.
Now it is time for the March of the Fallen Comrades. Where's the fast forward button? OK, the fallen comrades is now over. I hate the stupid fallen comrades as much as I hate that Survivor ends with a final three, but both of these things aren't going anywhere, so maybe I should stop bitching about them. I won't, but whatever. At least I know I have a problem.
At the challenge, everyone has to hold a little piece of wood with a ball balancing on it between two handles. Malcolm reveals that his advantage is that he gets to let the ball fall off once and then gets a second chance. OK, that is a huge advantage, and I think a rather unfair one. Did the producers know that Malcolm has a genetic condition known as Tremor Paws, where he can't hold his hands still for even one second? Did they create the advantage hoping that the fan favorite would win? If not, then providing an advantage like that to someone who has already won a physical challenge to achieve said advantage pretty much settles the game ahead of time. Now the person who is the strongest in a physical challenge is now the person who is doubly the strongest going into another physical challenge. That just makes the strong stronger. That doesn't seem logically correct. Why not find a way to get the weaker players an advantage, like when Abi bought hers at the Survivor auction (another thing I hate but might have to reevaluate)? That is the only way she won a challenge and that gave the whole episode a wonderful tension that strong people beating weak people will never get you. Remember, a good news story is always Man Bites Dog. A good news story is not Strong Man Wins Advantage with Strength Then Wins Strength Contest. That is just a dog chomping on your boring old leg all the live-long day.
For all my bitching, the advantage didn't work, and Malcolm is out of the challenge first. This was sort of like finding the missing scale on the belly of the dragon Smaug, because this very specific challenge was the one thing that managed to slay Malcolm. Skupin eventually wins which is, honestly, the worst case scenario.
The whole night Skupin has been going on about how he thinks he can beat Malcolm. In the final challenge that was true, but otherwise I wanted to chalk it up to some sort of psychological condition. He wants to think that, a decade after falling in the fire, he is still the strong young man he once was when he first played this game. I wanted to say that he has such an intense narcissism that of course he thinks that people would vote for him over Malcolm because, once upon a time, in the Australian Outback, he fell into a fire and burned his hands off. So, of course, after he wins, he gives us the old, "I have to take the best to the finale and I will still beat him." No, Skupin, you will not. This is a gift from God, that you have found the only activity that you can't beat Malcolm at. If you don't take this gift and vote him out, then you are a complete idiot. Later, at the reunion special, Skupin says that he thought he would win because he went through so much to get there that everyone feels like they deserve it. OK, I get that. Maybe he's not a champion narcissist after all. I know if I sat in the rain and the mud for a month listening to Abi whine and Blair waffle and Penner fart that I would think I should win too.
Onto tribal council and Blair is saying she is voting Malcolm out and Skupin may not be and I want there to be a tie and a fire making competition and something totally awesome to happen. The only awesome thing is that Blair told Malcolm, to his face, that he was going home. A tribal council without Blair being honest next season is going to seem boring, boring, boring. So, yeah, Malcolm goes home and finally the master is dead. Oh, come here Malcy, let me comfort you with my warm bosom and some kind words while I stroke your hair and feel your warm breath on my body. There, there. Malcolm. There, there. Momma's here.
OK, back to camp where the final three burn everything down (really, why do they insist on setting everything on fire every year at the foot of the jungle when there looks like there is no one there to attend to it?) and now back to the final tribal council. This is becoming another thing that I hate. When the show first started it was a time for everyone to get up, ask the two remaining players a question and then sit back down. Occasionally there would be someone to try to imitate Sue Hawk's legendary "rats and snakes" speech and they would always fail. Now it's not even questions anymore. It's just gripes and score settling. It's just a bunch of people being sour that they lost and that is actually quite boring and serves no real purpose to picking a winner. The finalists no longer get to defend what they did or make a case, they mostly have to sit there and listen to griping. Artis make a whole speech that says, "I don't know about you guys, but I stayed true to my alliances so you suck." Yeah, Artis, good for you. That is why you are in the jury and these people are not. You may think you're all high and mighty, but you're really a loser. Quite literally, you are a loser.
Then Abi gets up wearing the worst dress that has ever been designed and is her usual charming self, but this time with a ruffle of doom going down her entire body. I thought she was last, but then I forgot about one person: Penner. Of course Probst kept Jonathan Penner, his bosom buddy and lifetime companion, to go last. Penner goes from one person to the next and tells them how awful they are. They are almost as bad as the toupee that he was wearing at the reunion special (Hair plugs? A dye job? Weave? It was definitely some sort of hair system. But what?) Finally he gets to Blair and does the meanest thing imaginable. "Blair, do you want to tell them, or should I?" he asks. She says, "I'll tell them. I'm not afraid." But clearly he wants to tell them. He wants to tell them all that Blair is Blair and that she used to be famous on a famous TV show and that she knows George Clooney. They all register shock and dismay (though, according to my chat with Denise today, she already knew about Blair and she doesn't know what the face she made was meant to register). "George Clooney used to do sitcoms?" they all think. Yes, girl! He did.
Blair handles it in stride. "Do you want to talk about what you did as a teenager? Did you tell everyone about that? No, you didn't. And I'm trying to play the game now as me." I felt really bad for Blair. All she wanted was to escape the fame and just be a normal person who was on equal footing with a bunch of other normal people and succeed by her own merits. And she had. She finally proved something to herself – that she could do it. She could be successful again. The world wasn't out to get her. Her best days had not passed. She didn't owe anything to a TV show that most people had already forgotten about and the younger kids didn't even know. She was Blair, but she was her own Blair. She was, dare I say it, Lisa! And Penner took that away from her. That was a low freaking blow.
Alright, so at this point, I think that everyone has a decent shot. Lisa should have argued more about the decisions she made in the game and how she was really driving the strategy in a big way. Like the way she played the game, her defense was a bit too willy nilly. I think if she was more concise, she could have won. Again, she wasn't really given the chance since no one even asked her a question, but whatever. Skupin just kept saying he outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted everyone. Yeah, buddy, so did these other two broads. You gave us no reason to vote for you. Well, apparently Carter thought differently, but, then again, Carter doesn't think too much. Even at the reunion he looked like his body was there but his eyes were about a million miles away in some fantasy land where he is king and fairies are dripping honey all over his body and a million Nyan cats were licking it off. He also doesn't know how to spell Skoopin.
Denise, of course, has the best case. She was at every single tribal council this season and no one ever really considered voting her out. When you hear that fact, it's hard not to award her the money. I thought she would be seen as weak for riding on Malcolm's coat tails, but without him in the finals she looked stronger than ever. When she said that she had been on three tribes, fitting into all of them, working hard to stay out of the way while orchestrating to get others voted out, you had to applaud her. Yes, it makes total sense that Denise won given the final three. Congratulations to her.
Now, I'm already picking Malcolmn to win the upcoming "Fans vs. Favorites 2: The Revenge," considering Probst asking him if he'd play again at the reunion was essentially him being recast on the spot. Malcolm is going to win this yet.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: CBS]
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We may be eating leftover turkey sandwiches, but Thanksgiving is just beginning in this week’s episode of Glee. The Unholy Trinity is reunited, the Jarley versus Ryley debacle has been settled, and Klaine fans are sure to be thankful for the shining glimmer of hope from the most amazing phone call ever. Plus the graduates have retuned to Lima and they’ve brought a whole lotta baggage with them. Reunited and it feels so… Glee!
So Here’s What You Missed on Glee:
Home for the Holidays: She’s here, she’s here, she’s finally here! Quinn Fabray is back and the episode opens on the blonde beauty singing her heart out on the auditorium stage. Puck, joins in strumming all sexylike on his guitar and before we know it Mike and Santana are using their perfected pipes to sing “Home/Homeward Bound” as well. (Side-Note: Goodness gracious I am getting oddly emotional right now. I knew I missed the originals but I didn’t realize I would get this excited/teary-eyed just from seeing them all together!) Our dynamic diva Mercedes enters the room showcasing that power the new New Directions are certainly missing. But the cherry on top of a nearly perfect performance (We miss you Rachel and Kurt!) was when Finn walked on stage. His ex-girlfriend and best friend greet him with hugs and smiles and all our six original gleeks finish the song flawlessly. Quinn smiles, “Home for the holiday, just like we promised.” And our original Puckerman initiates a group huge that was surprisingly not as cheesy as most group hugs are.
The old gang heads back at the best restaurant in town, (Breadstix of course!) and the subject quickly turns to the MIA New Directioners: Rachel and Kurt. Apparently Quinn and Rachel are email pals, and Quinn explains, “Well she basically emails me every other week to remind me that I still haven’t used the train ticket that she gave me.” (Side-Note: That she gave you?? Oh no honey you gave that to Rachel! Don’t be changing your tale just because you’re too busy to leave New Haven.) Quinn then tells Finn that she’s sorry that things “went down” between he and Rachel, to which Finn maturely replies, “Naw it’s cool it’s for the best.” (Side-Note: We all know it’s not.) Final fun-facts that we learn about Quinn: she’s working to get straight A’s and has been tapped to join the only female secret society at Yale.
Partner Up Y'all: Finn asks if the Originals will help him out with the Newbies and he then pairs everyone up: Puckerman with baby brother puck, Mike with Ryder, Santana with Marley, Mercedes with Wade and Quinn with Kitty. (Side-Note: I laughed so hard when Santana said “Wanky” after Kitty’s burst of excitement to be paired with Quinn.) Finn announces that Marley and Blaine will take care of the duet and for their showstopper, their doing “Gangnam Style.” (Side-Note: Blegh I hate that song!) And then Santanna launches into one of her famous and glorious rants: “Okay Lumps let me just say out loud what everyone is thinking, you finally have an okay haircut, you’re not doing that annoying half-smirk as much as you used to, but you’re still an idiot. No one in this room can tackle a massive dance number except for Britt and that includes you’re little hand-jive that to me looked more like hand-jo…” But Finn assures the group that they will find a strong male dance lead to because the keep up with the amazingness that is Miss Brittany S. Pierce.
Jake and Ryder are walking down the halls and it looks like their bromance is in full-swing. Jake gathers up the courage to tell Ryder that he and Marley went on a date last Friday, but he would reluctantly break it off with her if it meant that they were going to become mortal enemies again. Jake says, “For the record I wasn’t going to just hump her and dump her, Marley’s different.” (Side-Note: Oh wow. What a truly romantic thing to say. You kids and your poetry.) Ryder was surprisingly cool about the whole thing and told Jake that it’s all good as long as he doesn’t take the lead dance number from him, “You don’t get to have everything in this school.”
While the boys are perfecting the “Gangnam Style” dances moves (and Jake is totally holding back on his mad skillz), the ladies are in the choir room. Santana boasts, “We are winners which is why Finn has asked us to shower you with the inspiration that is The Unholy Trinity.” (Side-Note: Squee! They’re ba-ack! And more fierce than ever before!) The three lovely ladies then break into a perfectly synchronized, and hip-shaking version of The Supremes’ “Come See About Me.” It was very similar to “Say A Little Prayer” but much much better because this time Santanna and Brittany actually got to use their own voices. Once their perfect performance finished, Santana notices that Marley looks like she’s going to be sick, but Marley quickly brushes it off as exhaustion from rehearsing.
There’s About to be a What? Girl Fight!: Kitty and Quinn strike up a quick bond—well it’s mostly just Kitty kissing Quinn’s booty. “You’re Quinn Fabrey and I idolize you,” Kitty says while revealing that she has a picture of the former cheerio captain taped up in her locker. (Side-Note: Creepy.) Kitty also reveals to Quinn that word in the halls is that Jake is pressuring Marley to have sex. “If that were to happen, well no one knows the dangers of a good girl mixing with a Puckerman better than you.” Quinn, runs into the Puckerman brothers in the hallway and she immediately tells Jake to back off of Marley. Puck then explains what is going on, “See that furrowed brow, lips pursed, hand on her hip? This is what I like to call Loopy Quinn. An irrational state that she apparently only reserves for Puckermans.” (Side-Note: The fact that Noah and Jake are becoming such good friends/brothers is amazing. I would gladly watch a spin-off starring these two just being awesome.) Quinn claims that she is looking out for the team by telling Jake that he needs to leave Marley alone so that she can be at her best shape for sectionals, but it seems like she may be projecting a bit on this one.
Luckily Santana sees Kitty for what she really is: "That bitch is pure evil.” Santana reveals that she found laxatives in Marley’s bag, and even though Marley denies that she has been using them, the former cheerio can tell that she is lying and thinks that Kitty is the one to blame. “Pretty little liar gave them to her I can sense it with my Mexican third eye.” Quinn says some mumbo jumbo that her psych teacher taught her and says that it’s time that Santana get over it. Get over what?! Quinn snidely responds, “You being jealous of me.” (Side-Note: I’m sorry Quinn but WTF? Have you seen Santana? She’s practically perfect in everyway! Except without that umbrella annoying children to look after) Quinn smugly continues, “That professor that I was talking about, well he’s 35, smokes a pipe. He’s divorcing his wife who hasn’t touched him for three years and I’m dating him.” This blonde is getting on my last nerve as she calls Santana “a scared little girl with low self-esteem who’s too frightened to chase her dreams.” Santana quips, “Did professor Patches teach you that one in between quickies on his office couch? Does he get so turned on by teen moms who barely visit their kid?” Quinn then slaps the crap out of her best friend and Santana quickly bitch-slaps her right back. Brittany bursts into the choir room and the girl fight is quickly over. (Side-Note: Holy crap! That three minute scene has left me exhausted, confused and oddly satisfied. I was SO excited to see Quinn again and now… not so much. And yeah has anyone heard from Beth recently?)
NEXT: Sectionals, NYC, and Klaine Happiness!
Let's Have a Kiki: Over in NYC, Rachel and Kurt are walking and talking and we learn that Rachel didn’t get the part at her off-Broadway play, but she’s trying to look on the Brightside and prepare for her NYADA song. Happy News: Kurt re-submitted his application for NYADA! “I put it on Vogue.com stationary so that it would stand out.” It looks like our New Yorkers are deciding not to go to back to Lima because their don’t want to feel like their not moving forward with their lives. Rachel optimistically says, ‘Even though we don’t have our boyfriends, we still have our ambitions and our dreams…you are the only significant other I need in my life.” (Side-Note: That was the cutest thing I have ever seen. God I love Hummelbery. And Rachel’s coat.) The two declare that they are going to have the best Thanksgiving ever and they even pinky promise on it so you know that it’s serious.
At NYADA, Brody walks into the room and quickly announces, “Miss July said that she does not want to teach today because she can’t stand to be in the same room as your mediocrity again, if you ask me she just sounds hung-over.” So it looks like Brody and his amazing muscles are going to be teaching Rachel’s dance 101 class. Rachel quickly reveals she is beyond pissed that he slept with Cassie, but Brody doesn’t feel like dealing with her drama. “You’re not in high school anymore okay? We’re adults making adult choices. You made yourself unavailable. Don’t be that crazy girl who expects people to be able to read her mind.” There is a bit of an awkward moment when Rachel hopes that their sex “sucked” but Brody quickly counters, “Are you kidding? It was amazing, have you seen her ass?” (Side-Note: Brody! I don't want to hear this! I thought we had something special!) Brody tells Rachel that since it bothers her so much and he wants to be her friend, he won’t sleep with Cassie again. (Side-Note: Hmm. Yeah right. We’ll see how long that lasts.) The dancing dude then offers to come over on Thanksgiving to cook dinner and Rachel gladly accepts.
It’s thanksgiving! Brody is at the apartment and asks Rachel to help him butter up Tommy the Turkey. The scene is oddly sexual and also slightly uncomfortable. Luckily Kurt interrupts and says what we were all thinking: “When you two are done using that turkey as a courtship device would you put in in the oven?” Kurt opens the door the their fabulous apartment and a crowd of amazingly dressed people walk in claiming that Isabelle invited them to an “orphan party” for thanksgiving. Oh yup! Earlier Kurt invited his Vogue.com boss to come spend her sad and lonely Thanksgiving with them. Kurt then gets a call from Isaabelle and everyone watching does a double take because Carrie Bradshaw is running loose on the streets of New York—killer heels and all. (Side-Note: Did anyone else think that their TV’s accidently switched to Sex and the City for a moment? And I’m not complaining by any means. Love it.) The entire apartment then breaks into one of my newest favorite Glee performances: “Let's Have A Kiki/Turkey Lurkey Time.” Sarah Jessica Parker (As Isabelle) completely rocks her dance moves, Kurt looks genuinely thrilled that all of this is happening, and Rachel’s voice is just as flawless as ever. Brody just kind of stands there looking dumbfounded.
Second Chances: Kurt is calling Blaine! After weeks of “I’m sorry” phone calls and text messages, Kurt is final calling Blaine back! (Side-Note: I’m absolutely thrilled right now, so just let me have my moment okay?) Kurt is out on the fire escape and he reaches Blaine just before they are about to perform. Kurt begins, “You’ve said you’re sorry a million times, and I believe you, and I’m trying to forgive you, but I’m just not there yet. But it’s thanksgiving and it’s sectionals and I miss you like crazy. I can’t stand not talking to you even though I’m mad at you.” (Side-Note: Oh em gee, I’m dying.) The two express that they are still each other’s best friends and Kurt reveals that he wants Blaine to come to New York for Christmas so the two can have a mature heart-to-heart. Blaine, is absolutely over-joyed at this news. Kurt wishes his beau a happy Thanksgiving and for a brief moment the Klaine fandom freaks out because it seems like the convo is about to end. But Blaine bravely says, “Kurt I love you so much.” And after what seems like a lifetime Kurt sweetly responds, “I love you too.” (Side-Note: I just screamed so loud that my neighbor texted me asking if I was okay. He said, “I love you too!!” There’s still hope for one of our couples gleeks! Hopefully this gets the ball rolling and all of our beloved ships will sail back together. Squee!)
Sing it Girl: “When I was seven years old, I had a dream. It’s the first one I actually remember” recalls a hat-wearing Marley as she wanders down the McKinley Halls. “I was along on a stage wearing a beautiful dress. I couldn’t see the audience but I could feel the full house. They had all come for one reason: to hear me sing.” Now that the glee club is about to perform at sectionals, Marley is thrilled—and nervous as hell—for that dream to come true. The pressure is on for our new star, but she’s hoping that her momma’s words of wisdom will (“Don’t blow it!”) will help her stay focused. (Side-Note: How perfectly perfect was young Marley Rose? She looked exactly like the lovely Melissa Benoist! Bravo, unknown casting guy at Glee!)
It’s sectionals and Marley is giving herself a Rachel Berry-esque pep talk in the mirror and reveals that she is starving but ready to take the stage. Unique is back in all her diva-glory and the New Directions (both old and new) gather together for a show circle. Finn gives an amazing and inspiring speech and they are ready to go with a “One-two-three-Aaahmazing!”
The Warblers are up first and their renditions of “Whistle” and “Live While We’re Young” are lovely and it’s clear that they have really stepped up their dance game. (Side-Note: Ugh why does Sebastian gel his hair like that now? You’re not Blaine so stop trying. In other news, I love you.) In a happy surprise, Wemma fans get to witness a super brief but oh-so sweet reunion when Will arrives to watch the New Direction take the stage. (Side-Note: Just get married already! We need Wemma babies!)
The Final Five: Marley is now promptly freaking the eff out. Jake sweetly tells his lady that it’s just nerves and that’s typically a good thing to have right before you go on stage. Marley quivers, “I don’t know how it’s a good thing when I haven’t slept in days and I’m sweating when it’s not even hot and if we don’t win it’s going to be all my fault. I’m going to let all you down, Finn, the graduates, my mom!” Marley is sobbing and Ryder takes this time to interrupt then and tells Jake that he wants him to take over the lead dance role. “You don’t put in the second-string QB just to be nice. We have to win this.” Jake agrees and the New Directions are announced to take the stage. Just before the music starts, Jake reassures Marley that she’s going to be great (Side-Note: Are these boys going to have to give Marley a super mega-pep talk before each performance? Because that’s gonna get old real quick.)
“Gangnam Style” begins and thanks to Sam’s sick shades and sexy moves, the song instantly improves. Plus Tina gets to take the lead on this one and does an amazing job perfecting the lyrics and pumping up the crowd. The song’s a hit, Kitty’s winking at the judges, Jake’s dance moves are perfect and the confetti is flying. Unfortunately, the high-energy performance proves to be too much for our starving-herself Marley and she faints at the end of the song. A worried Finn and Mr. Schue rush from their seats but the episode fades to back before we can find out what happens. Now that’s a cliffhanger y’all!
Most Heartwarming Moment: Kurt and Blaine’s “I love you’s”
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Watching Marley collapse on stage
”Hello? White Chocolate.”—Sam
”Easy Sam, it looks like you’re trying to mount someone.”—Puck
”Along with being beautiful, the three of us are national show-choir championship goddesses.”—Brittany
“Bros before Hos was always my mantra in high school. Well, it was after I knocked up my best friend’s girlfriend.”—Puck
“Twitter Update! Quinn is all excited about another guy defining her life.”—Santana
”Are you dancing or impersonating a horny epileptic?”—Jake
Vote it out!
&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://polldaddy.com/poll/6731201/"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;What was the best song of the night?&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;
What did you think of this weeks Glee-tastic episode? How amazing was The Unholy Trinity’s performance? Are you happy that Marley chose Jake? Have you finished hyperventilating with Klaine excitement? Sing to me in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: FOX]
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Shhh. Can you hear it? Can you hear that little whistle on the wind? Yes, that is the sound of souls being sucked out of bodies. That is the sound of weaves being tightened and Botox needles cascading from a red plastic container of biomedical waste into a dumpster. That is the sound of sleeves being slit up the center so that women can show off their perfectly toned shoulders. Yes, that can only mean one thing: the Real Pirouettes of Folderol Gulch have returned for their annual mating season. Well, not mating so much as socializing at bull***t parties, getting mad at each other, and airing their grievances for the world to see. With the churn and snap of gristle ratcheting into place, the female beasts of Beverly Hills get ready to graze once again.
As with all things, let us begin with their high priestess, who holds a virgin heart in her hands and raises it up to her pagan god, the blood rolling down her outstretched arms, not scarlet or crimson or maroon, but pink. Yes, that is Lisa Vanderpump and she has a new burnished granite cave to call her own. Did you see Lisa's freaking house? It's like the Fortress of Solitude but made out of white marble. She said she wanted something "smaller" but this thing is, wow. Alright, now we need to talk about her closet. People always go into a walk-in closet and jealously say, "Wow, this is as big as my whole apartment." Brandi goes into it and says, "Wow, this is as big as my whole apartment," and she is actually telling the truth. Her closet is immense and immaculately organized and then, it opens up into a secret beauty lair, where she does all her bloodletting, face tightening, and stem cell harvesting to keep herself looking spry and sprightly. If ever I was jealous of a person living in a pink and white hive of luxury, then this was the time.
Anyway, Brandi was over Lisa's house because they are now besties since no one else really likes them. They say they're really tight, but their relationship seems to consist of Brandi flirting with Lisa's husband Ken, the forgotten member of Cheap Trick, and Lisa laughing about it because she knows that a Playboy pinup like Brandi doesn't really have any interest in her husband's ripe gherkin getting anywhere close to her vagina hole.
After a turn at Lisa's house, it's Lisa's time to go visit Brandi at her Sad Ranch in the Valley, which she seems to have inherited from Kim Richards. Brandi's house sort of looks like what would happen if a trailer decided that it didn't want to move anymore, planted itself in the dirt and pushed up some lawn and shrubs all around it. It is not at all spectacular (unlike Brandi's bosom) but she is happy and content, so good for my girl Brandi. While the two are hanging out there, Kyle's adorable daughter Portia calls Lisa on the phone and says, "Lisa, dahhhling. Come to my birfday pawtee. It's at 1."
Yes, Portia is learning how to use a phone. Not how to dial and hold a headset like most people learn, she is learning to call her friends and talk only on speakerphone. That is how Real Housewives do it, after all. Because it's on speaker, Brandi overhears and says, "Hi, Kyle, it's Brandi!" Now, she wasn't quite looking for an invitation to the party, but she got one and she tells Kyle she would love to come. Brandi says, "Oh, yeah, me and Kyle are friends." and Kyle says, "I don't have any problem with Brandi," but you can see the truth right behind their eyes. It's like how the IRA feels about the Northern Irish. There's supposedly a cease fire, but the first person to take the name of the Virgin Mary in vain is going to get their face bloodied with a rotting potato.
Speaking of missing invitation and speaker phone, Taylor's lips, which are a separate symbiotic organism that lives on her face, disconnected themselves from her head and walked over to meet Adrienne, Queen of the Maloofs (a race of mole people that live under a mountain), and her husband Pozo the Chimp for dinner. "Hey girl," Taylor's lips say. "I'm not really eating tonight, because I left the mouth at home, but Taylor has gained 10 whole pounds and now she can't squeeze into any of her cocktail dresses. Will you take that bitch shopping, because if she shows up in one more pair of black harem pants that her skinny ass can't fill in so it looks like she's carting a dump around a party, then I am going to find some other head to latch onto, because I can't take it anymore? Oh, that and she needs something to wear to the Villa Blanca Anniversary Party on Wednesday."
"Oh, what Villa Blanca Anniversary Party on Wednesday? I haven't heard anything about that!" Queen Maloof says. Well, that is because Lisa did not invite her. Yes, Lisa and Adrienne are in a fight. That's not necessarily true. Adrienne decided that she is mad at Lisa. Why? Who the hell knows. A black and white reunion flashback told us it has something to do with selling a story to the tabloids. It really has nothing to do with anything. It's not like even one of those stupid Housewives fights like, "I was having a charity luncheon and you tried to 'clear the air' with X and then it just wasn't the time. You owe me an apology." No, it's not even that. It's just some stupid thing that Adrienne made up in her mind that she is angry with Lisa and isn't talking to her. That is why no one is on Adrienne's side, because she has nothing to be angry about. Adrienne is a Housewife. She can't even make up a fake reason that seems vaguely rational?
Once Adrienne knows about the party she says, "If Lisa's objective was to embarrass me, then she did it." Oh please, Adrienne. That wasn't her intent at all. She didn't even think that hard about it. She thought, "Should I invite Adrienne to my party? That bitch is mad at me. Nope!" and then licked her crystal-encrusted pencil and crossed her name off the list. It makes total sense. And if we're talking about embarrassment, how do you think Lisa feels when you falsely accused her of selling stories to a tabloid on national television? You think she feels all warm and fuzzy inside like she just masturbated and then ate a big bowl of soup and a brownie? No, she feels like shit. Lisa says she's ready to move on if Adrienne calls her with an apology. I think that seems fair, but this looks like it's headed for a big old confrontation.
Like a kid sitting at the top of the stairs waiting to rush down on Christmas Day and tear through all his presents at once, I just can't wait any more. It is now time to talk about Kim Richards. Oh, Kim, I've missed you so so much, and you did not at all disappoint last night. You are still my favorite. Kim is just 30 days out of rehab and she's already back on the Housewives treadmill, which means she's headed for a big old crash sometime in the near future. We see her going to her sister Kathy Hilton's house which is very exciting because this is the first time that any of the Hiltons have dared to bow down and be on this little reality enterprise with their less fortunate sisters. Kathy, who looks like she dressed as Candace Bergen for Halloween and never took off her outfit, is helping Kim's daughter Kimberly (which is the craziest normal name since Prince Michael Jackson II) find a prom dress. Kathy has all these dresses lined up and I can't tell if they are like her dress line or she just has a rack of dresses in her living room and everyone gets to try them on? Probably the later. Then Kathy asks Kimberly if she's gotten a boutineer and both Kimberlys in the room say, "What?" Then Original Recipe Kim says, "I got a boot and I can hear!" Oh, good one Kim. I would have gone with, "I've a booty and you are near," but maybe she doesn't want to talk about her younger daughter and booty right to everyone's face.
They're all sitting around and Kim tells us one of her stories that lets us inside her soul. "Kath, do you remember that prom I went to the prom with Dan? Remember him? He was one of the other Disney actors and neither of us went to a real high school so we didn't have a prom, but he got invited by a friend of his to go to his prom somewhere in Altadena and he asked me to go because he didn't really know any other girls. Well, I went to the wardrobe department and I was 17 and I told them that I wanted a dress that was beautiful and flowing and kind of sexy but not like too sexy, you know. We went through racks and racks and racks of clothing and it was so fun and I felt like a princess. It made me feel so special, all those dresses just for me and a cute boy who really seemed to like me. I got all dressed up and it was a long purple dress with some flowers by the bodice and we did my hair up all big and poofy, remember Kath? We had the whole makeup team at the house making me gorgeous and you and Kyle were so jealous that I was going to the prom with Dan.
"And then he pulls up, not in a limo or anything, but in a pickup truck, and it had a camper attached to the back! It wasn't like a Winnebago or anything, it was one of those pop up campers so it just looked like a flat bed and it was beige and had orange stripes around it and I was so scared of that camper. That camper had a bed in it and Mommy told me never to be around boys and beds because that means he's going to try to reach for my special treasure box, and I couldn't let just anyone open that box. Mommy said it could only be opened once by a really good boy who I really loved and that Danny wasn't the boy. So, I was scared of that camper and getting my dress dirty in the pickup truck, but we drove all the way out to Altadena and we had our prom at this place called the Aquaturf, which was crazy because there was no aqua and no turf. Hahahahaa.
"Anyway, we didn't really know anyone else there so we just talked to each other and laughed and tried to make new friends and they told us they'd seen us in the movies and on TV and people didn't know what to do with us. They wanted to be our friends, but they were scared, you know. After the prom most everyone went to this bonfire somewhere out in the woods, but Mommy said I had to be home so Danny and I left. But on the way, he pulled over at the movie theater down the street from our house and he pulled in the back of the parking lot, where the cars never go. 'I have something I have to show you. Wait here,' he said.
"He got out of the car and started to crank open that camper and I got really scared. I didn't want to go back there with him because he was gonna try to touch my treasure box and I didn't want him to, but he cranked that camper up and it was fully open and then he went in and was doing something in there and banging and making all these noises, and I was so nervous I thought about getting out of the car and calling Mommy to come get me, but just as I reached for the door, he was there on my side and opened the door and held my hand as I stepped down. He lead me into that camper and I was so nervous, I didn't know what to do. I was so scared.
"But we got to the door and he opened it and there was a bed, but that's not what he wanted. Right there in the doorway was this little table that had like Formica on it but it looked like wood and on that cheap table was a big vase full of roses and two candles that were lit and two small champagne flutes. He poured us both some champagne and it made my throat feel warm as I drank it down and then I felt loose and I felt so special that he had done all that for me. We drank some more and we finished the bottle and I felt so great inside and we were laughing and talking and dreaming about the house we would buy together some day and start a family and my head felt all swimmy.
"That's when he leaned over and kissed me, and it felt so good. It was the first time. At 17 it was the first time that a boy had ever kissed me. I felt so loved and like we really connected and a little bit like I was going to fall over, but it felt so good. He stood me up and lead me over to the bed in the camper and I went with him. We kissed and kissed and I moved his hand under my dress and up my thigh and I thought, 'Why not? Why not let him into my, you know, treasure box,' but he said, 'No, Kim. That's not what I want. I just want to be with you and kiss you.' And we kissed for a long time and then we just lied there, with me tangled up in his arms, my hair getting messy on the bed. We fell asleep like that and woke up in the morning and I was so scared Mommy was going to kill me because we had been out all night. The candles were burned down and we packed the camper up and he drove me home and Mom was pissed. Even though I told her nothing happened, she didn't really believe me, but it was the greatest night of my life, that prom. Yeah, the best night of my life. I wonder where Dan is now?"
What a lovely story, Kim. Thanks for that. The only person who is in more love is the new Housewife Yolanda Foster, the only Yolanda I've ever seen on TV who didn't have a talk show in the '90s. We don't know much about Yolanda right now. She's a friend of Lisa and was married to Lisa's friend Mohammed, the one who dates living blow up dolls and throws elaborate parties for Lisa every year where there are elephants in the driveway and creepy screaming mermaids by the pool. She used to be a model and now she is married to composer David Foster. Oh, and she is Dutch, which means her kitchen has a Dutch Oven (that was as close to a fart joke as I could get today).
The one thing we know about Yolanda and David's marriage is that he writes her love notes every day. They go something like this:
"My Dearest Yolanda:
It has been five years since I first saw you sunbathing topless on St. Bart's and not a day goes by when I don't dedicate the boner I have when I wake up in the morning to the sight of your toned behind on the beach that day. You are my everything. You are my eggs in the morning and my After Eight Mints at night. You are the moon and the stars, but you're not famous like a real star, just like a reality star. You bring me tea with flowers and you put up with the rude way I treat all your friends even as I am undressing them with my eyes. I have an Oscar. Let's fuck, but then you have to leave me alone because I have to work.
Love, Your David
So, yes, Yolanda is at Lisa's party and meets everyone and Kim is a big fan of hers because Kim, like any addict, always cozies up to the new girl. Why? Because that is the girl she hasn't wronged yet! Yolanda loves Kim! The one fun thing we find out about her is that she and Kyle have the same birthday and I look at them and they are like Yin and Yang (and by Yin and Yang, I mean the cats my Chinese neighbor has). They are like two halves of one person, the light and the darkness. But which one will be witch (misspelling intentional).
Nothing much happens at the party except people are being weird about Brandi because, well, she pissed just about everyone off with her awesomeness. Kim and Kyle are also having a strained relationship, because duh. That's the funny thing about rehab. You think that if you fix one problem it will fix them all, but you have all those foundational instabilities from the years of drinking and mistreating each other and you can't just fix those by sobering up. It's going to take hard work. Kim, like always, says she wished things can go back to the way they were, but the one lesson in life Kim needs to learn is that you can't go back. You can't just find that warm spot in the bed once you get up. No, you need to lie back down and warm up another spot. That is how life works. You can't go back, you can only plow through the now to get to the soon. The soon will be better.
Everyone is having a boring time at the Villa Blanca Party and then suddenly, four people come walking in with something that looks like a sea monster washed up on the shore, died, spilled its organs out onto the beach, and the whole thing cooked in the sun for three days. "What the fuck is this thing?" Lisa says? Oh, there's a card. "Congrats on your party. Best of luck, HRH Adrienne of the Maloofs."
Yes, it was a flower arrangement, but these were a very rare and exotic breed of flowers called the Passivio Aggressivus. Apparently they grow orange and yellow and only prosper in giant piles of shit which, sadly, have to be delivered along with the flowers. They say, "I want to pretend like I'm giving you something nice, but really, eat shit."
This was the absolute worst thing ever to happen at a Real Housewives party, and I mean that seriously. Sure, Joanna Krupa got her face bashed in just last week on Housewives Miami, but this is even worse. These are spite flowers. And not just any spite flowers, they are ugly spite flowers. (Why would you send anything of color to a place called Villa Blanca? Huh?) So, Adrienne didn't make it to the party, but she made her presence known with a turd and a howl, as a dozen people had to carry in her turd blossoms. Ugh, this was just the worst. And everyone there made a grimace and shook their head in unison, like it was a new line dance like the Macarena or the Gangnam Style. What a sad, sad display for Queen Adrienne.
But at home, she sat on her throne and smiled into the hand mirror that she made her husband, Pollo the Chimp, hold in front of her face. "Oh, they're all going to love me now," she thought. "They're going to see those flowers and think, look at how Lisa has done Adrienne wrong. She should be there. She should be invited. Yes, those flowers will prove how great I am. Don't you see? Don't you see that my plan is finally coming together?" She threw her head back and laughed her hearty laugh and put her snub nose up in the air as the caverns under the mountain catapulted the sound back and forth, the echo rising up into a rumble that made the ground quake, that made the trees on top of the mountain tremble, but when the laugh was done, they settled back down, and the boughs seemed to droop lower than ever before.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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There are some things we will always know about The Vampire Diaries. Stefan is unyieldingly sweet, Bonnie isn’t always around, Damon never actually leaves when he says he will, and Elena is always wrong about getting through the given ordeal the “easy” way. The one thing we blissfully forgot during these last few episodes is that these people are all in high school (except for Damon and Klaus, of course). And what comes with being a teenager stuck in a silly little town going to high school with a bunch of people who don’t understand you (and in the wake of a 10 PM town curfew too)? Rage, and lots of it. All this anger makes for an Elena we’ve not yet seen, and it may be driving her back to Damon already.
After finding that she does alright feeding on Matt’s blood, Elena makes her old boyfriend her own personal blood buddy, taking just a teensy bit from his veins, but not enough to quench her thirst or provoke the ripper brewing inside her. It seems to work since he’s eager to repay her for saving his life and sacrificing her own, but it’s clear this can’t last.
When Elena gets to her first class, History, she gets into a tussle with Rebekah, who’s all too eager to ruffle the new vamp’s feathers. Between barbs (coming from both sides) about being friendless, killing Alaric, and the fact that both girls have slept with Stefan, the episode quickly starts to feel like a hybrid of Sweet Valley High and the Maury Show. The fact that a pencil shank is involved doesn’t help the comparison. Still, as Elena pulls that pesky pencil out of her shoulder, I can't help but thank the TV powers that be that the scene was without hair-pulling. Give me pencil-daggers over hair-pulling any time.
It’s not long before Rebekah strikes again, taunting Elena with a compelled classmate whose neck is dripping with blood. The brand new vampire can’t contain herself, and the incident causes her rage to boil over (which for Elena isn’t really much above a loud simmer). Stefan convinces her she needs a break from school and convinces her to go to Rebekah’s ditching party. (Side note: Kids, is this a thing? How the hell do you get school folks to not notice the fact that all the cool/fun kids are gone after lunch? This ditch-day party thing can’t be real, right?)
When Elena gets there, it doesn’t take her much time to share a little chat with April, who confesses that she’s convinced her father’s death was no accident (if only she knew how right she was). In her continuing rage, Elena accuses Rebekah of killing the council members, which is a low blow for someone like Elena. Rebekah clearly never learned to control her own rage, and takes vengeance by taking Elena’s daylight ring and forcing her into a crevice for safety. When Elena finally braves the sunlight long enough to retrieve her ring, she lunges for her bag, where’s got the white oak stake, courtesy of one shirtless Damon. Luckily, Stefan is there to stop her.
Verging on an after school special voiceover, Stefan talks her off her rage ledge with two very important talking points. Yes, “rage is bad” made it in there, but it wasn’t what drove it home. Step one was the fact that millions of vampires would die with Rebekah, and step two was that the guilt would destroy her. Elena knows what that looks like, because she spent all last season witnessing the effects on Stefan. Still, she can’t just let Rebekah’s ring trick be the end of it: she makes sure to do a student-body-impressing keg stand on her way out.
Then things get magical. A little too magical for my tastes. Stefan takes Elena on a magical mystery motorcycle ride, where she somehow uses her vampire abilities to defy gravity and stand on the back of the motorcycle and reach nirvana while looking like a circus bear. Look, I want Stefan and Elena to have sweet moments as much as the next girl, but this is too much. Luckily, it’s followed by a rabid makeout. Unluckily, that’s cut short by Elena’s sudden reaction to whatever was affecting Rebekah earlier (apparently, this includes visions of Damon). It turns out, our good friend Buffy (the nameless vampire hunter) poisoned the keg with werewolf venom, and it’s killing Elena. Klaus is miraculously willing to save Elena (because she still has the ability to serve some purpose for him yet again, oh my), but not before she has a vision of Damon telling her that the reason she keeps seeing him instead of Stefan is that she’s more like Damon than she is like Stefan.
Now, it could be that Elena is having fever dreams about Damon because she drank his blood. However, that is proved wrong when Rebekah (who also drank the werewolf-venom-infested beer) has a fever dream of her own about Matt saying she’s undeserving of love and her ripping his heart out. It turns out, she’s just having fever dreams about Damon because like Rebekah, who’s lusting after Matt even after she tried to kill him, Elena still has a thing for Damon. Plain and simple. And of course, she adds fuel to her own fire when she overfeeds on Matt in a fit of rage, forcing Damon to step in and undermine Stefan by taking up Elena’s Vampire School teaching duties. And the strange thing is that Damon seems to be right, but we’ve spent the entire episode hearing about how Caroline thinks Stefan is the best teacher when it comes to transitioning from human to vampire. Is Elena just going down a dark path because Stefan’s road is too hard? Or was her fever dream right? Is her vampire personality more suited to Damon’s style than her human one was? Look at Caroline, she went from crazy, obsessive girl-freak, to a mildly-obsessive, sex-crazed sweetheart. Vampirism changes people, and Elena is clearly changing. This also means a Salvatore brother reunion is looking less and less likely each passing week.
But she’s not the only one morphing before our eyes. After Buffy attacks Tyler to extract his werewolf venom, Klaus moves back into town to set up protection around his “assets” (see: hybrids in a post-doppelganger world), which includes giving Tyler three bodyguards. When Caroline comes back to grab him for Rebekah’s party, he’s distant and cold, refusing to leave or to let her stay. It’s because, just a few rooms over, he has his dirty little secret. Haley, one of the werewolves who helped him break his sire bond, has just flounced into town and she’s all over Caroline’s hybrid hunk. Klaus does the math for us: Tyler had a little sexual indiscretion during his spiritual awakening. Tyler’s stunned look confirms it, and the only question that remains is which one will be the one to break the news to sweet Caroline? And what will she do when she finds out?
Well, she might have to put whatever vengeance plans she might have post-secret for at least an episode. Buffy is sticking around, and now he’s got the attention (and protection) of Klaus. Buffy approaches Jeremy because only vampire hunters and future vampire hunters can see the “nice ink” on his arm, the tattoo Jeremy mentioned last week. Buffy enlists Jeremy to help him get to the town vampires, and luckily, he’s working with Dr. Fell and Damon. After Damon gets booby-trapped in Buffy’s trailer, he knows full well the problem they’re dealing with, so Dr. Fell and Jeremy help lure Buffy to the hospital, where Damon and Klaus trap him and interrogate him until Klaus realizes what he is: He’s one of “the Five.” Whatever it is, it’s something Klaus wants because when Buffy pulls the bomb trigger on his booby trap, Klaus makes sure to save him and promise him complete and total safety. Unfortunately, Buffy doesn’t even understand the illustrious group he’s a member of, so he isn’t able to give us any details before the episode ended. Hey, they’ve got to leave is with a cliffhanger of some sort.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: CW]
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The first season of Bravo's Real Housewives of Miami was like a flower in the lush Everglades. It was pretty to look at, just like every other flower in the known universe, but when you got close, there was no scent. It just didn't smell. It didn't stink, but it didn't have any enchanting perfume either. It was just a blossom, sitting there in the middle of the forest not doing anything, being boring. Bravo should have cancelled it. Really, they should have.
But no, that Bravo is smarter than all of us. It retooled the formula, got some new ladies in there and then showed us the flower again. This time, when we went to go look at it and got our nose just close enough to the pistol and stamen, the flower came alive, opened it's great maw, and swallowed us whole. Yes, Andy Cohen and Co. finally gave this thing some teeth, something worth watching, something that is totally consuming and will consume you.
Now I don't think I'm going to be recapping this mess (though I may not be able to stop myself) because I'm worried that the first episode won't replicate how good the rest of the season is and I don't want to get stuck writing every week about that boring old orchid blossom. Also, starting in October Thursday night is Jersey Shore territory, but, man, it seems like we're going to be in for quite the ride. Let's look at the cast of new and returning Housewives and judge everyone a little bit, shall we? I mean, this exercise is completely worthless unless we can judge everyone a little bit.
We start the show with Marysol Patton and her mother Elsa going jewelry shopping. This really serves no purpose other than to tell us that Marysol and her husband are now separated and to remind us Marysol is only on this show because of her mother. Her mother looks like a blown out birthday cake candle that is all melted up at the top and covered with some sticky frosting down at the bottom. She talks about the plastic surgeon who ruined her face, so at least she acknowledges that she looks there is a giant blob of mud on her neck. I shouldn't be so mean to Mama Elsa, because she is hilarious and wise and some sort of psychic wizard.
"You'll be surprised what destiny has in store for you," she tells her daughter at the jewelry store. "I see women. I see lots of women in skimpy clothes and Roman sleeves. I see women with plastic surgery and limp plumping gloss. I see high heels and Versace prints. Oh, and yelling. Lots of yelling and false accusations. There is a slap, and a flying glass, and the sound of a million monkeys caught in a tornado. This is what I see in your future. Lots of gossip and fighting women and a trip to New York to sweat next to a Jewish gay in a small television studio in Soho while he tells you to plead the fifth. This is what I see in your future. I am psychic." Then she runs home and replenishes her energy by feeling around in a big silver buffet tray full of kitty litter that is speckled with feathers and jewels and dice and the head of a live chicken and the earthly remains of Larsa Pippen. And the souls coalesce around her, their specters of a million shrieking harpies eddying about her in a spiral of spirits, like wrapping her up like a mummy covered in smoke and when she inhales they all go down her mouth, like so much smoke from a hookah and she stammers backwards, trips over her tiny dog (who had been hiding in the closet for three days) and falls onto her fainting couch. This what happens with Momma Elsa.
Now we fly over to meet new housewife Ana. Oh, this is a delicious morsel, this Ana. She is just the kind of complicated mess that fuels the engines of a million reality television program recaps. She is a middle aged Cuban lawyer who loves to cook and has two teenaged brats that like to make fun of her. Well, all teenage daughters like to make fun of their mothers, that is just the way the world works. That is just Persephone plucking the pomegranate in the orchards of the underworld and tossing it at her mother. That is the universe. What makes Ana so delicious is that she has a soon-to-be-ex-husband named Robert. They have been separated for years and she says they're "friends," but she spits the words out like a bit of chew juice hitting a spittoon and making a brassy ding. "Yes, we're (deep swallow) friends and he comes over all the time for dinner and he has his own girlfriend and it's just (deep swall) great." I'm sorry, but she does not seem OK with it. She seems like she doesn't want to divorce him and keeps him around so that she can continue to control him, hold on to that little morsel of company that is left before her daughters move away and she's shuffling along that big, airy house of hers wearing printed caftans and taking swigs of white wine right of the bottle. Oh, and get this, she works with Robert too. They're both lawyers together. This lady is giving me red flags all over the place.
Next up is Karent, a woman whose name is infested with the cancer of an extra consonant. Yes, that T is just dangling off the end of her name like a malignant tumor. KarenT is from Columbia. No, not the university, the country. She used to be in beauty pageants and she used the scholarship money to become a dentist, a profession that is about as glamorous as podiatry, chiropracty, and waste management. KarenT lives with her parents, because she says it is normal for women in Latin cultures to live with their parents until they get married. Oh, that's so cute. Sorry, Karent, but you're not 25 anymore and waiting to start a family of your own. This is sort of like still wearing a promise ring to your 25th high school reunion. It is like having a crush on David Cassidy when you're peri-menopausal. Just admit that you are a middle aged woman who supports your parents, that's cool; admirable, infact. But don't use it like Botox. It's not making anyone think you're younger.
The only really interesting thing about KarenT is she is dating someone named Rudolpho, who is a telenovela star (I wonder if he knows ¡Que Viva! from Housewives New York). Rudolpho, I can tell, is smarmy and there is some drama going on with him and Ana and texting. I'm sorry, but middle-aged ladies should not be having drama about whose boyfriend is texting whom and whether or not their relationship is real. That is some Pretty Little Liars level shit.
Next up is returning Housewife Lea Black. She is sort of like Pig Pen from the Charlie Brown comics, but instead of dirt swirling around her it is noise. She is like one of those annoying sirens that they set off at random intervals at cheesy dance clubs. She is like a bag full of hoots, cackles, screams, and other various and assorted noises. She is also one of those people who says something totally awful and vapid and then punctuates it with a hoot and a holler so that you think she's joking. She is not joking. Whatever awful thing she just said she means. "Oh, this house was built in the '70s. It is so old. HONK CACKLE!! HAHA!" No, she means it. "This woman seems very nice, I'm just not used to skanks at my charity event. HONK CACKLE!! HAHA!" No, she just called you a skank to your face.
Lea Black bought a house on Star Island, which is where Diddy, Rosie O'Donnell, and Gloria Estefan and other celebs live. She wants to tear the whole house down and rebuild. Sorry, Lea, that is not the problem. The problem is that you have a pool in your back yard that is shaped like a giant penis. That might be the first thing you wanna fix, maybe. Just maybe. Unless you wanna live in the Hacienda De Dick.
Next door to Lea is Rosie O'Donnell's Craft Center and Lesbian Orphanage. Next to that lives Lisa, who is married to the Boob King of Miami. He sounds like the kind of plastic surgeon who advertises on the sides of buses and takes most major credit cards. But, hey, he can afford a house on Star Island the we're trying to scrounge together couch change to pay the burrito delivery guy as he waits there impatiently in the door. Good for you, Lisa's husband. Lisa is the kind of girl who takes all her awful qualities and "owns them," as if that makes them better. Yes, she is proud to be vain, materialistic, awful, and bitchy. She is the kind of person who would refer to herself as a "diva" and not realize that there is some irony that can be wrung out of that statement. She is the kind of woman who asks her husband to bring home Botox because there is a tiny part of her face that has become mobile. She is the kind of woman who is training her maid, Daysy, so that she can have plastic surgery like she's a real life contestant on The Swan. She is the kind of woman who, at the end of a workout, offers Daysy a drink, even though she knows she is in AA. She is the kind of blithe awfulness that this franchise was built on since the beginning.
Next up is Joanna Krupa, who is meant to be the star of this here show. She is actually quite a "get" for Bravo, considering she is a real actual model, not a "model" like the rest of the Housewives who claim they are models and just have some awful pics and a Model Mayhem page. She is like Victoria's Secret for real and was on Dancing with the Stars and is legit. She also has the best Real Housewives tagline of all time: "I'm a model, just not always a model citizen." We didn't see much of her other than the fact that she threw a temper tantrum because she wasn't going to be on the cover of a magazine and the editors tricked her. I can't really bitch about that. This is sort of a real argument. I don't know why she is calling up and screaming at her agent about how many covers she's had over the years. This is a fact the manager knows. You don't need to shout it at her, Joanna. Have her shout at the editors, don't misplace your anger. Joanna has a hunky boyfriend named Romain who is the heir to the lettuce fortune and has a nightclub that is named Mint, which is possibly the worst name of a nightclub ever. He should just call it The Douche Hut, book Skrillex, and call it a day.
Who we really need to talk about is Marta, Joanna's sister who lives with her and Romain and does not get along with her sister's boyfriend. (Fiance? Whatever.) If I were writing a novel based on this show, the main character would be Marta. She is the not-as-cute younger sister of a famous beautiful person. Every one of her words drips with jealousy. She is also kind of a mess, going out to clubs and making out with dudes and not going home to wash her face and just showing up at her day job (as her sister's assistant!) in last night's makeup. She is just sad and complex and devious and just a little bit of all of us. I love Marta. I want to go with her to Mint and watch her get shitfaced and make out with some guy named Jose who she thinks is rich because his watch weighs more than her sister.
Who is left? Oh Adrianna. Do we have to talk about her? I would rather not. She is sort of a like a Brazilian Blowout come to life. She is the kind of woman who dates the villain on Miami Vice and he wants her to live on his yacht and she says she will only if there is a walk-in closet and room for her baby grand piano. Why do you need a piano on a boat? Do you remember how that turned out in The Piano? Yeah, not good. Adrianna, like Lisa, is just sort of blithely awful. That was fine last season when she was the only one (both Larsa and Christie, who are not on the show anymore, were awful in their own special ways) but now she has to fight against Lisa for the "I'm so vain and I think it's cute" slot. That is the worst slot. Someone should blow that slot up forever.
After we meet everyone they all get together at a party and Lea snubs Lisa so that she can talk to Mama Elsa, who wasn't psychic enough to know she would pass out at the party. Also, KarenT and Ana and Rudolpho had some sort of epic kiss kiss scare down like they were living in a telenovela. There was some fight with Romain and Marta over text and, wow, there are a lot of people on this show. This thing is packed. Not only are there more Housewives than any other city, but there is also Alexia, an original Housewife who is only around part time because she is caring for her son, who was in a bad car crash. Then each housewife has a friend or a sister or a boyfriend or a mother or two parents or a missing dog or something else. This thing is as sprawling as a western city, pockmarked with strip malls and sadness. It's gonna be a really crazy year.
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[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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Sift through comments on franchise sequel announcements and you'll find many crying afoul to Hollywood's insistence of resurfacing every last brand in their bank of titles. The desire for original content is reasonable but occasionally a cinematic follow-up does have the potential to be rich and rewarding. Revisiting characters who've seen time pass in their own lives is worthy of exploration — Peter Bogdanovich's Texasville Richard Linklater's Before Sunset and even A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas prove that theory. American Reunion reaches for that same dramatic arc reentering the lives of its core cast eight years after American Wedding. But instead of mixing comedy with any weighty issues the movie only tickles the nostalgia bone (and without f**king one pie in the process) — a hurdle that keeps American Reunion from being nearly as riotous as the original.
Life hits a wall for Jim (Jason Biggs) in 2012. He's a happily married man a father and a moderately successful employee of a faceless company. But after catching his wife Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) enjoying the company of a shower head it dawns on Jim that he's in need of a shake-up. Perfect timing: Jim packs up the family and heads to his hometown for his 13th high school reunion (sure why not) where he reunites with the old gang: Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) currently whipped into submission by his girlfriend Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) back from a trip around the world Oz (Chris Klein) now a superstar sportscaster fresh off a celebrity dance show stint and Steve Stifler (Seann William Scott) a law firm temp who continues to turn women into his own personal squeeze toys. The high school buddies devolve quickly into their old habits alcoholic antics and potty-mouthed rants by the red solo cupful. Good fun for Jim no fun for Michelle.
Instead of digging deep into its well-founded characters (which I swear is allowed in a raunchy R-rated comedy) American Reunion sticks to the familiar goofball scenarios of its predecessors. Which is passable because the core group who stuck through all three movies — Biggs Nicholas Thomas and Scott — make poop-infused pranks and slapstick shtick like a scene in which Jim and co. must get a drunken naked eighteen-year-old back into her parents' house without looking like total creepsters highly entertaining. Scott once again proves him an underused comedic talent making Stifler one of the few characters who can rattle off colorful cuss words while showing a glimmer of humanity. Same goes for Eugene Levy as Jim's Dad who finds his role beefed up now that he's once again single. Grieving for years over his wife's death Jim helps his advice-dealing pop hit the dating scene and Levy spins gold out of the silliest of situations.
The problem with American Reunion is everyone else. Chris Klein never clicks with the rest of the group (that's what he gets for skipping out on Jim's wedding) while the rest of the ensemble feel ham-fisted for cameo purposes rather than complimenting the storyline. Tara Reid and Mena Suvari return to the franchise to stand around and react to the ineptitude of their male counterparts. Natasha Lyonne is in and out faster than Jim's first time. Other brief character appearances are like bigfoot sightings. The idea of bringing the entire cast of the original back for more seems perfect but without proper pacing from writers/directors Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg (Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay) there's never a moment to enjoy it.
American Reunion is a flaccid entry servicing fans while coming through with enough laugh out loud moments to make one scream (In one scene Jim takes a page out of Michael Fassbender's Shame that will elicit audible reactions). If these were fresh characters we'd brush it off — but at the film's core is a lovable familiar bunch of knuckleheads that can't be ignored. And if Stifler wants to party you party.