Our favorite secret agent gone rogue, Jason Bourne, has proven time and again that he can get out of any pickle. Whether it's using a ballpoint pen to beat the crap out of a bad guy or shaking up an aerosol can and tossing it into a fire for a makeshift bomb, Jason Bourne really knows how to think on his feet. He can even use a magazine two ways — also to beat the crap out of a bad guy and to construct a makeshift bomb. While it's devastatingly sad that he doesn't actually exist, we can certainly imagine what he'd be like in real life. If Jason Bourne were real and living undercover as an elementary school teacher in the suburbs, here's how we think he'd get out of these binds.
The Dog Eats His Shoe
Instead of going to the mall and buying a new pair (Jason Bourne wouldn't be caught dead at the mall, unless it was to lose tails in a large crowd), Bourne would make his own. Being a highly skilled leather maker, Jason Bourne would slaughter his own cow and tan the hide to make his new loafers. Once he has his leather, he constructs the shoe together while jogging on the treadmill to stay in shape. After his jog, his new shoes are finished and ready to be worn.
He Misses the Bus to Work
Not to worry, Jason Bourne is never late. Where there's a will (and some household items lying around), there's a way. This one's easy. He just rips off the shower curtains, gets a couple of rolls of alluminum foil (Jason Bourne keeps about 15 rolls in stock at all times, just in case), bends a few coat hangers into shape, and boom! Hang glider. He then builds his own foot-powered launcher and flies off the roof of his house and smoothly glides to work.
He Leaves His Wallet at Home
Jason Bourne's at the farmers market on a sunny Sunday, picking up summer squash and heirloom tomatoes, when he realizes that he's forgotten his wallet at home. Instead of putting the organic produce back, or stealing it, which he could do so stealthily that nobody would even remember seeing him there, he decides to use his computer hacking skills to access his account at the nearest ATM. First he obstructs the security camera, then he punches in some buttons, and then punches some more buttons, and then he has $40 in his hands.
His Car Breaks Down in the Middle of Nowhere
Jason Bourne decides to go on a solo road trip into the heart of the desert for some soul searching, but his car breaks down miles away from any sign posts or road markers. This is one of our worst nightmares, but for Bourne, it's but a mild annoyance. First of all, he can survive up to 216 days in the wild with no food or shelter. However, he has a social studies class to teach on Monday, so he makes his own compass with a needle and a magnet and uses it to find the last diner he passed. His photographic memory pinpoints exactly where it is on his mental map, and he walks the 30 miles there without breaking a sweat.
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Even though the winners of the Emmys change every year, so much of the broadcast itself (and what happens during it) never does. There’s hardly anything surprising to look forward to, so instead of working extra hard to convince you to watch something that you probably already find even less interesting than foosball, let’s talk about the one thing that makes the Emmy’s terribly annoying, yet totally captivating: the clichés!
Bringing Your Mother
Moms ARE NOT props! One of the ultimate clichés of an award show is when an actor or actress makes the decision to bring their mother as their date…as if the person they’re currently having sex with had somewhere else more important to be, like AA! Of course, the decision to tote mom is to try and come across as the most humble and deserving nominee of the category. But it’s a facade! They mean to say that in all the expensive places they frequent to do illegal things in, they haven’t seen at least ONE pretty person in the last week that could have escorted them to the Emmys? That’s just offensive. Nominees: stop pretending a seat at the awards is the best way to thank your mother for working four jobs so you could pay for your headshots. Man up and go alone. If you actually cared for her, you’d have already given her your “happy ending” masseuse for a week.
Skipping The Red Carpet
When celebrities skip the red carpet, they think we’ll interpret their absence as something along the lines of them being far superior to Emmy protocol and they’ll earn our respect. Though schmoozing with folks like Ryan Seacrest is the most self-indulgent part of the Emmys, (next to the speech where they tell us why they deserve the award more than Michael C. Hall, who just battled cancer) many PR people encourage the celebrities who are capable of putting a noun with a verb to participate because it’s free press. But really, the folks who skip the red carpet and sneak in before the show begins are the worst, because they’re being picky and choosy. If you’re going to an award show, you’ve gotta do the whole kit and kaboodle. Nobody ever saved Princess Peach without dodging Bowser’s rotating fireballs first.
Thanking The People Who Contributed Nothing To Your Win
Occasionally, the actor who beats out the other four actors nominated for the Emmy will walk on stage and will genuinely be shocked. Most of the time, these guys give the best speeches because they’re so incredibly likely to lose their minds and provide us with a moment of excitement in a show that a guy who brings his dog to work has spent the last few months planning. But when the winner gets up there and starts thanking the people who had nothing to do with his award (like their Starbucks barista or the Best Buy guy who installed his A.C.), what was supposed to be an enjoyable two minutes gets turned into an irritating grass stain. Part of being an actor is being self-righteous and buying up the entire block to build a horse stable and evicting twenty one-parent families! Nobody’s expecting them to be gracious receivers after they won the Emmy instead of Betty White! That’s an achievement! Everyone cut the crap and thank yourself for all your hard work. Besides, where were your friends all those times your car stalled on the way to an audition? That’s right – busy having a threesome. They’ve had their fun, now get in on yours.
The “Oh, I Wasn't Expecting This!” Line Of An Acceptance Speech
Again, with the humility! They're not actors because they're humble human beings! They're not doing selfless work, people. They're not baking birthday cakes for deaf and blind five year olds. They enjoy the spot light, the attention, the standing ovations, the impenetrable lines outside of the stage doors -- all of it! It's crack to them! They rub every ounce and butterfly wing's worth of our attention into their pores, and when they play a character surprisingly well, they most certainly DO expect us to reward them for it with a statue they'll only remember they received when they can command 20% more money per project. What they don't realize is by saying, "Oh! I thought I was going to lose to one of the other women nominated! I was just running off to the bathroom! This is so funny!” we want to take them out back and shoot them like a lactose intolerant cow. Nobody would show up to the ceremony if they didn't believe they had a chance at winning! But since there are butts in the seats and there are always a few women who have pockets sewn into their dresses (just in case), nobody can ever get away with saying they “weren’t expecting anything” because they so obviously are. The death of a hard drive is unexpected. The receipt of an award when you’re nominated for one is not.
So pack up your books, class is over. If you're planning on throwing an Emmy party this year, skip the part where you draw up a board and everyone puts pennies next to the name of the actor they expect to win the category, because that's pretty cliché, too. Instead, go through each nominee and write down the Emmy crime you think they're most likely to commit. You're bound to get more right than you would if you tried to guess the winners. What's the point in doing that? None of them are "expecting" it anyway.
Facing an ultimatum from his long-term girlfriend to either get married or get out, a young man consults his opinionated friends and decides to sow his oats some more before committing to wedded bliss.