No matter how many jobs you're working, children you're raising, relationships you're juggling, or nations to which you're feigning allegiance in a grand effort to undermine the global economy, there's always time to add a new television show to your roster. Or, say, 30. Luckily for all the workaholics, doting parents, love-seekers, and double agents out there, E! has got a brand new slate of programs and specials on the way to distract you from your doubtlessly failing life expeditions.
Among the notable entries among E!'s six upcoming series, 10 upcoming specials, and 17 projects in developmental stages are a reality show about the band members of The Wanted, an in-depth look at the life of 50 Cent, and an expedition led by multihyphenate Nick Cannon to give his grandparents a home makeover.
Check out E!'s complete list of new and developing shows and specials below:
The Wanted Life — Sunday, June 2 at 10:30 PM ET/PT (moves to regular timeslot starting Sunday, June 9 at 10:00 PM ET/PT)This new half-hour series will chronicle the personal and professional lives of the edgy pop music powerhouse, The Wanted, who has already taken the world by storm. Viewers will see an unfiltered look inside the world of the chart-topping UK pop band as they head to sunny California to record their third album, gear up for their new US & Europe tour later in 2013 and solidify their top ranking on American pop music charts, along with their surprising dynamics and interpersonal relationships. Produced by Ryan Seacrest Productions, Scooter Braun Projects and Global Talent TV.
Total Divas — Sunday, July 28 at 10:00 PM ET/PTRevealing the real women behind the WWE Divas for the first time, this new one-hour series proves that the drama is even bigger when the sexy superstars step outside the ring. “Total Divas” goes inside the personal lives of these glitzy, glamorous celebrities who entertain sold-out crowds in arenas around the world and are adored by millions of fans. “Total Divas” is produced by WWE and Bunim-Murray Productions. Jon Murray, Gil Goldshein, Jeff Jenkins and Russell Jay are Executive Producers for Bunim-Murray Productions.
Pop Innovators — July 2013This new series showcases the most influential names in pop culture in their own words. We love them for what they bring to our world, and how they have helped define pop culture and captured the collective zeitgeist. These are the people who, as leaders in their respective fields, have taken their fame and gone in new directions to become influencers across a wide range of topics, and who inspire others to do the same. The first episode of “Pop Innovators” will offer an in-depth look at the life and career of Will.i.am from his point of view and will also feature interviews with other celebrities that he’s influenced most.
Love and Other Contact Sports: Eric and Jessie — Late summer 2013From Khloé & Lamar to Kendra & Hank, E! has followed the romantic celebrity relationships of popular athletes and their gorgeous companions for years. The new Love and Other Contact Sports franchise will take viewers inside the confines of even more celebrity/athlete romances starting with country/pop singer Jessie James and her fiancé, Denver Broncos wide receiver Eric Decker whose wedding is quickly approaching. The series will chronicle the sexy young couple’s road to the altar as they juggle careers, relationships, family and more. Currently residing in their Denver dream home, they share an ambition to succeed, a charmingly fun and unfiltered outlook on life, and most of all, a red hot attraction for each other. Produced by Shed Media U.S.
Hello Ross (working title) — Fall 2013As the ultimate pop culture fan forum, this new interactive talk show is hosted by the super fan himself, Ross Mathews. Fans will have the unique opportunity to share their opinion on all the latest in pop culture, debate the most buzzworthy topics and come face to face with their favorite celebrities. From Borderline Amazing Productions.
The Trend — Fall 2013This news series will feature a team of experts and celebrity contributors discussing all things fashion, beauty and design.
Blinging Up Baby — Thursday, May 2 at 10:00 PM ET/PTThere is nothing more buzzworthy in Hollywood these days than celeb parents and their star tots who fill the pages of weekly magazines. In this one-hour special hosted by Melissa Rycroft, E! explores how the stars are heralding stork visits, from preparing luxurious nurseries, to exotic and ultra-pricey “babymoons,” to dazzling “push presents,” outrageous celebrity baby and toddler gifts, and more. If it is hot in the world of celebrity mommyhood, you’ll find out about it here. From Comcast Entertainment Studios.
Nick Cannon’s Big Surprise — Thursday, May 9 at 10:00 PM ET/PTSexy actor, singer and TV personality Nick Cannon has a big surprise. Grateful to his grandparents who helped raise him, Cannon shows his appreciation with a surprise home makeover. Through the process, the star will share childhood memories, photos and videos as the audience gets an intimate look back at his life. But will his highly opinionated grandmother, actually like what he does with her place? There’s only one way to find out. Produced by Entertainment One.
Holly Has A Baby — May 12 at 9:00 PM ET/PTHolly Madison just took on the biggest role of her life when she became a mommy to a baby girl she named Rainbow Aurora Rotella. In this one-hour Mother’s Day special, viewers will follow Holly to the hospital for the big event, and share in all she did to prepare for her new arrival with boyfriend Pasquale Rotella. Then, we’re invited home with the trio as they share with us exactly what the future holds for Holly and her new family, including the possibility of wedding bells. From Comcast Entertainment Studios.
The Untold Story: Jason Derulo — Tuesday, May 14 at 10:00 PM ET/PTSimon Cowell said he would be huge, Lady Gaga said he’s “a freakin’ superstar,” and Jordin Sparks calls him, boyfriend. He was well on his way to the top when an injury sidelined his career, and could have nearly ended his life. This half-hour special is a turbulent ride with Derulo as he battles his way back from injury. With never-before-seen footage and exclusive behind-the-scenes access, we’ll uncover the real man behind the persona of music royalty’s newest member. From Comcast Entertainment Studios.
Ryan Seacrest with The Wanted: An E! Special — Monday, May 27 at 10:30 PM ET/PTDays before the premiere of their highly anticipated new E! series, Seacrest is sitting down with the bad boys of pop, and no topic is off limits. Discussing their music, rock star lifestyles and their much-buzzed-about personal lives, The Wanted open up to Seacrest in this new one-hour special.
Bigger, Badder Celebrity Feuds — Tuesday, May 28 at 10:00 PMThe Hatfields and McCoys had nothing on some of Hollywood’s biggest and most explosive feuds, and this one-hour special pulls out all the stops to reveal the gritty details of what went down between Chris Brown and Frank Ocean, Halle Berry’s ex and her current squeeze, Kelsey and Camille, and many, many more. From Comcast Entertainment Studios.
E! Special: Brooke Burke — June 2013Giuliana Rancic is sitting down with the sexy actress and TV personality who has helped make Dancing With the Stars one of today’s biggest television sensations. Opening up about her career, family and personal life, Burke shares her ups, downs and everything in between with Giuliana from her home in Los Angeles.
Secret Societies of Hollywood — Late Summer 2013Beyond the red carpet and behind the security gates lies a forbidden Hollywood that only the rich and famous know about …until now. Secret Societies of Hollywood is a two-hour documentary that will expose the cults, cabals and underground clubs that exist in today’s entertainment industry. From Prometheus Entertainment.
50 Hours with 50 Cent — Fall 2013What is it like to be 50 Cent? One lucky super fan gets to find out. This special captures 50 hours with 50 Cent as one of his biggest fans gets to spend exactly that amount of time with him. Viewers will experience over two full days with this iconic rapper, entrepreneur and businessman as he enters global promotional mode leading up to the release of his newest album.
Inner Circle — Fall 2013A new experiment in storytelling from Executive Producer Ashley Tisdale, these specials will feature celebrities picking a member of their inner circle (a trusted friend, family member or close confidant) to tell their real story and to ask the questions. More conversation than interview, it’s an emotionally charged journey where the celebrities let their guards down, open up and have fun with someone from their “inner circle.” From Blondie Girl Productions and Relativity Television.
NEW UNSCRIPTED PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT (working titles):
Young SonomaThis series chronicles the personal and professional lives of premier families at the top of their game in world renowned wine country, Sonoma Valley. Featuring Envolve Winery’s Ben Flajnik (“The Bachelor”), Mike and Kate Benziger, Danny and Collette Fay, and B.R. Cohn Winery’s Vallerie and Tasha Cohn, the series goes inside the day-to-day drama that comes from living in a small town, working with friends and family, as well as being local and national celebrities. From Mandt Bros Productions.
Queens Are WildDocu-soap that goes inside the high-stakes world of gambling and follows four of the top female poker players as they live together, travel the world and compete to win millions. From Tollin Productions, Inc.
Palazzo RiggiThrough the eyes of the outrageous family who lives there and the staff that run it, this new docusoap takes viewers inside a unique, luxurious world filled with eccentric personalities and gives viewers a glimpse into a jaw dropping, elaborate 24,000-square-foot family estate in upstate New York that boasts an authentic English pub, Balinese wellness spa and perfectly heated lawn that is designed to keep the paws of the family’s 35 dogs warm year-round. From AEP Media and Machete.
FlashThis self-contained competition elimination series pits up-and-coming photographers against one another. In each episode, the photographers are given a real world challenge with real clients from the world of pop culture, who expect an amazing photo to sell their brand, talent or idea. Each week the winning photographer will get the exposure that could help launch their career. From Super Delicious.
Sex & Real EstateSet in Miami, this new docusoap follows the personal and professional lives of a group of hot, successful real estate agents at the top of their game as they juggle a world where business always mixes with pleasure. From FremantleMedia North America and Purveyors of Pop.
The Soup InvestigatesThe Soup Investigates is a new spin-off series of E!’s popular comedy franchise The Soup that will answer all the questions that pop culture fans never thought to ask, and then some. How DOES that rose get from the grower’s field to The Bachelor‘s hand just in time for the all important rose ceremony? What is life like inside the fascinating world of the Mother Duckers, the families who make their living creating duck callers who WEREN’T cast inDuck Dynasty? Host Joel McHale and our investigative reporters will be working around the clock to get to the truth, or at least a very plausible facsimile thereof.
NEW TOPICAL / COMEDY PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT (working titles):
James Davis ShowSketch comedy show parodying a wide range of pop culture subjects and personalities starring actor/comic/writer, James Davis. From Funny or Die Media, Inc.
White People Can’t DanceFrom Executive Producer Jack Osbourne and Vin Di Bona, this tongue-in-cheek format show features a team of experts who analyze some of the more outrageous stereotypes perpetuated by pop culture. Each episode our team will put multiple stereotypes to the test to determine which are fact and which are fiction. From FishBowl Worldwide Media and Schweet Entertainment.
Secrets & LiesSecrets & Lies is the game show, based on the classic parlor game three truths and a lie, that tests pop culture fans’ knowledge of their favorite celebrities while revealing shocking secrets about the stars we THINK we know and love. From Shine America’s format label Ardaban.
NEW SCRIPTED PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT (working titles):
Laurel CanyonIn this drama from executive producers Josh Schwartz (The O.C., Gossip Girl, Chuck) and Stephanie Savage (The O.C., Gossip Girl, Carrie Diaries) and executive producer/writer Karen Croner (Admission, One True Thing), a young woman returns to her dysfunctional, extended family in Laurel Canyon with her son after hearing her rock-star legend father has passed away. Based on Croner’s experience of growing up in the Hollywood Hills, the project is from Schwartz and Savage’s Fake Empire in association with Warner Horizon Television. Fake Empire head of television Len Goldstein (The Carrie Diaries) also serves as executive producer.
The Stand-InA darkly psychological re-telling of The Prince & the Pauper set behind the scenes of one of Hollywood’s most famous actresses, who, tired of the spotlight, runs away in search of a normal life. Desperate, her family secretly hires a look-a-like to step into the star’s glamorous world and high profile career — only to have the doppelganger slowly lose herself in the process of becoming someone else. From Executive Producers Ryan Seacrest, Nina Wass and Adam Sher, Ryan Seacrest Productions, Universal Cable Productions and writer Craig Chester.
SongbyrdFrom writer Krista Vernoff (Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Shameless), a young, prolific songwriter of some of the best love songs struggles to find love in her personal life after her inspiration is revealed to be a lie. Featuring the songs and experiences of Grammy winner Diane Warren, who Executive Produces with Craig Zadan & Neil Meron (The 2013 Academy Awards,Chicago, Smash) and Vernoff. From Universal Television and Universal Cable Productions.
ExpectationsFrom writer Ron Bass (Oscar winning writer of Rain Man, Sleeping with the Enemy), inspired by the classic Dickens work, a soap about a morally corrupt family in the diamond business set in New York City. Executive produced by Oscar winner Dan Jinks (American Beauty, Milk). From CBS Television Studios.
The ShorelineThe golden child of a small coastal town in South Carolina returns home to see that a major Hollywood prime time soap, The Shore Line Yacht Club, is the biggest employer in town. An enormous class divide separates the cast and producers from the townspeople, yet their lives are now continuously and irrevocably intertwined — for better or for worse. From writer Carolyn Ingber and executive produced by Becky Hartman Edwards (Switched at Birth, Parenthood). From Fox Television Studios.
Dirty/PrettyFrom Keith Eisner (The Good Wife, Law & Order), Jason Markarian and John Mirabella, a dark comedy centering on a blue collar guy from south Boston who gets scouted to be a model in Miami. Life gets turned upside down when his two best friends join him and see his new life as a way to expand their criminal activities. Gale Anne Hurd/Valhalla Entertainment will act as Executive Producer. From Universal Cable Productions.
Fortunate SonFramed for a drug deal by a friend from his hard-partying days, society golden boy Michael Baron becomes a criminal informant and is at the mercy of the police. He bounces between his privileged west side of Los Angeles existence and the case he is forced to work in the slums. But his dark past gives Michael some leverage over his fate, and he makes a dangerous deal that could clear his name. Or get him killed. From writer and Co-Executive Producer Joey Falco and Executive Producers Kevin Spacey, Michael DeLuca and Dana Brunetti. From Universal Cable Productions.
The RoyalsPart fairy tale, part cautionary tale, this contemporary family ensemble is steeped in all of the regal opulence of the British Monarchy and framed by Shakespeare’s Hamlet. It’s a tale of men and women corrupted by power, wealth and desire while looking at the nature of celebrity from a Royals’ point of view. Executive produced and written by Mark Schwahn (One Tree Hill) and executive produced by Brian Robbins and Joe Davola (One Tree Hill, Smallville). From Lionsgate
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Valentine’s Day is a day to let that special someone know just how much you care and how important they are to you. It’s also the only day one can purchase a four-foot teddy bear and not be thought of as creepy or possessed of serious emotional problems. For cinephiles, this is a day to further declare our love for our favorite films.
We gathered a group of film critics from around the web, asking them to write their Valentine’s Day cards directly to the movies that won their hearts. It… got a little mushy.
Eric D. Snider, Movie B.S. with Bayer and Snider
The Object of Your Affection: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
When Did The Infatuation Begin? Tuesday, July 6, 2004: I remember it well. 'Twas an evening promotional screening; you were to open theatrically later that week. From the moment I laid eyes on you, Anchorman — from Ron Burgundy's opening lines ("Mmm. I look good. I mean, really good. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!") — I was in love. Witnesses said they had never heard me laugh so much at a movie. They may have been right. Rarely had a film so perfectly catered to my fondness for absurdity, pomposity, the 1970s, and TV journalism. Unable to satiate my newly aroused desires for you, I saw you again two nights later at another promotional screening. Several months later, on the day when a dear friend moved away, and I was about to move to a different city myself, and my life was melancholy and in flux, where did I seek comfort? In the arms of you, Anchorman, a film I knew could always lift my spirits.
Has the Romance Endured? I've seen you four or five times since then, mostly on DVD except for one special big-screen showing in 2008 of the original theatrical cut. You never fail to delight me. Your dialogue floats across my mind regularly. One time it was 105 degrees in Portland, and I went to Voodoo Doughnut with an out-of-town friend, and I got a little carton of milk with my doughnuts. I then got to say aloud as I walked down the hot sidewalk, milk dripping from my beard, "Milk was a bad choice!" What a happy moment that was! I'll always cherish you, Anchorman. Always.
RELATED: 7 Of The Strangest Valentine's Day Movies
Scott Weinberg, Twitch/Fearnet
The Object of Your Affection: The Blues Brothers
When Did The Infatuation Begin? It was your first TV screening, so probably late 1981 or so.
Has the Romance Endured? One cool thing about a musical that you love is that, even when the "movie stuff" gets a little old, the music and the dance numbers are always there to lift you back up. It’s like listening to a great album you love. Fortunately for me, Blues Brothers, you have no movie stuff that gets old. I love every damn frame of your weird, manic, sweet mash-up of buddy comedy, chase flick, and old-time musical. Not one of your musical numbers falls flat, there are endless cameos from people worth remembering, there's a lovably dry wit buried amidst all your absurd weirdness, and despite being 133 minutes long, you coast by like a well-oiled machine. Plus you were the very first SNL sketch to become a movie — and you’re still the best by a country mile. I love you.
Kate Erbland, Film School Rejects
The Object of Your Affection: Dirty Dancing
When Did The Infatuation Begin? I was but six years old—far, far too young for such a mature and consuming love. Too young for our love.
Has the Romance Endured? While I think we've both moved on—myself to actual human affection and you to Havana Nights we do like to meet up occasionally to check in on each other. I'm always surprised by how mature and deep you remain, how utterly human, and how wonderfully filled with incredibly sexy dance moves. Also, delicious watermelon.
Jeff Bayer, Movie B.S. with Bayer and Snider
The Object of Your Affection: Back to the Future
When Did The Infatuation Begin? 9 years of age. For my ninth birthday I had a choice to make. I would take five friends to the theater to see either The Goonies or Back to the Future. I picked the Truffle Shuffle and it was a good time. But when I finally saw you a week later, I fell hard. When you finished with me that first time, and I read "To Be Continued..." on the screen, I was desperate for more. For the first time, I began reading the entertainment section in our newspaper, searching for information on when Part 2 would come. Every time the Summer Movie Preview came along, I quickly scanned, hoping to see you there. Finally, after four long years (which is equivalent to 237 years for a pre-teen), the sequels came to be.
Has the Romance Endured? It's you. It's always been you. For a while, I even claimed Back to the Future Part IIwas better. Luckily, I eventually matured, and I resumed believing the first is the best. Even if they remake/reboot/reimagine you, I know that you will never be tainted. You are my butthead. You are my nobody calls me chicken. And while I will always wonder why Marty couldn't just go back a couple hours earlier, or the science behind images slowly disappearing from a photo, I will never stop loving you.
RELATED: Last Minute Valentine's Day Ideas, With a Little Help from Leslie Knope and Shoshanna Shapiro
Germain Lussier, /Film
The Object of Your Affection: Swingers
When Did The Infatuation Begin? I'll never forget the first time I saw you, Swingers. I was a young boy working in a video store. Back in the Nineties, indies like you didn't come to the suburbs too often, so I saw most smaller movies on preview cassettes sent to the store. You looked so sexy; that yellow box, Vince Vaughn in sunglasses. Wow. I took you down to my parent's basement, remember? When I finally popped you in, I'll admit, it wasn't great at first. You sort of struggled finding your stroke but, once you did, and Trent and Mike get back to LA, it was instant love. Watching you, at the age of about 16, was the first time I had a true connection with a film. I'd watched tons of movies but suddenly, finally, here was a movie about those movies. We clicked on a deep, deep level. We both loved Reservoir Dogs, Goodfellasand NHL 94. I knew how good Jeremy Roenick was. And while I didn't love swing music like you did, you made me learn about something new. In you, I found everything I wanted in a movie.
Has the Romance Endured? These days, you and I are old lovers. Anytime I want to be transported to the days of 90s nostalgia and the birth of my film enlightenment, you get popped in. Sure you're a little shinier now, on DVD instead of VHS, but every year or so when we kick back with some Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and it's like that night in my parent's basement all over again. Why do you think this New York writer moved to Los Angeles to fulfill his dreams?
Sean O’Connell, Cinemablend/Movies.com
The Object of Your Affection: Die Hard
When Did The Infatuation Begin? In theaters in 1988. Yes, I'm that old, though I was barely 14 when you were released, and I had to beg my parents to let me see you—an R-rated, obviously violent movie—in the theater. They bought me a ticket. I went by myself as they shopped in the adjoining shopping mall. I was smitten.
Has the Romance Endured? That's like asking, "Is John McClane a thorn in a terrorist's side?" I revisit you every few years, , when I'm able to watch you from start to finish, and not merely catch chunks as you air on a cable channel. Lately, I feel like I've seen you close to four or five times in your entirety. I've noticed that you, , like a vintage wine, only improve with age. The airtight script holds up to scrutiny. The action is as riveting now as it was in '88, and the commendable lack of digital wizardry helps your blue-collar realism remain intact. Outside of a few hairstyles, nothing about you feels dated. McTiernan's direction, Jan de Bont's cinematography, Michael Kamen's score and the editing are contemporary. You are timeless; the high-water mark for action cinema. You created the quintessential smart-ass hero, launched a massive movie star (Bruce Willis), and you remain my personal favorite film of all time. And no, Live Free or Die Hardcan't take that away from me; from us.
Now it's your turn: profess your love for a movie in the comments below!
[Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures]
Labor Day is approaching, and that means it is the end of summer. Gosh, that makes me so sad. The only consolation I have is that the fall TV schedule will be starting in no time. Some of the shows have already premiered (remember when Animal Practice took over the Olympics?) but the rollout really starts September 10. But even that means no more late sunsets, barbecues, and Fridays leaving the office early. I'm gonna miss summer. Maybe that's why I was so mean to all the new shows. Here is a schedule of when all the shows both new and returning return to your tube and a mean little joke about each of them. No one was spared, including your DVR which will probably be recording half of these.
Monday, September 10
The Voice, NBC, 8 PM: Our memorable mentors welcome a whole new crop of forgettable talent. Tuesday, September 11
Go On, NBC, 9 PM: Matthew Perry ushers in Community for the masses. New Normal, NBC, 9:30 PM: Enjoy the first season of Ryan Murphy's new gay dads comedy, before it falls victim to the same fate that befell Glee. Parenthood, NBC, 10 PM: Did you guys know this was based on a movie? Did you know it was still on? Sons of Anarchy, FX, 10 PM: Be sure to wear a helmet for this guns, drugs, and motorcycles drama. Wednesday, September 12 The X-Factor, Fox, 8 PM: Britney Spears, with her hair grown back, tries to hold it together on live TV and give Simon Cowell another hit. Guys with Kids, NBC, 10 PM: This is not Daddy Day Care, but close. Thursday, September 13 Glee, Fox, 9 PM: Kurt & Rachel Take New York finds a new night. The Real Housewives of Miami, Bravo, 10 PM: It's another go for the franchise's second most boring cast (hi, D.C.!). Friday, September 14 Shark Tank, ABC, 8 PM: This is not Discovery and there are no actual sharks. I'm sorry. What Would You Do?, Network, 9 PM: It's Candid Camera with a smattering of guilt. 20/20, Network, 10 PM: Barbara Walters is still retired. Sunday, September 16 Boardwalk Empire, HBO, 9 PM: Nucky killed Jimmy Darmody. Spoiler alert! Monday, September 17 Bones, Fox, 8 PM: This procedural has been brought to you by the good people at Boniva. The Mob Doctor, Fox, 9 PM: A young woman must tend to injuries procured when large groups of people dance in public to be put on YouTube. Oh, it's not The Flash Mob Doctor? Never mind. Revolution, NBC, 10 PM: You say you want Revolution, well, you know, we all want to change the world (as long as the lights don't go off and we still have electricity). Wednesday, September 19 Survivor: Philippines, Network, 8 PM: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have holy s**t, Blair is going to be on Survivor! Thursday, September 20 Up All Night, NBC, 8:30 PM: I like to call this The Ava Show and pretend everything about the baby never happened. The Office, NBC, 9 PM: Yes. Still. Parks & Recreation, NBC, 9:30 PM: I was shocked to learn this was not a USA procedural about sassy lady detectives. Recreation is a really funny last name. Friday, September 21 Grimm, NBC, 9 PM: I would probably like this show. I should watch it. But I won't. It's Friday! Sunday, September 23 Treme, HBO, 9 PM: Just watch The Wire instead. Monday, September 24 How I Met Your Mother, CBS, 8 PM: Seriously, we're ready to find out. Just tell us already! No, not how he met the mother, how Jason Segel hasn't left this show to do movies yet. Dancing with the Stars: All-Stars, ABC, 8 PM: Your mom is so excited. Partners, CBS, 8:30 PM: A gay guy and his straight best friend live and work together. If only they were criminals so we could call this Will & Disgrace. 2 Broke Girls, CBS, 9 PM: Destroying Brooklyn since 2011. Mike & Molly, CBS, 9:30 PM: More fat jokes. Castle, ABC, 10 PM: Is this the one about the novelist and his unrequited love who solves crimes, the really smart guy and his unrequited love who solves crimes, or the archeologist and her unrequited love who solves crimes. Hawaii Five-0, CBS, 10 PM: Yup. It's on! Tuesday, September 25 NCIS, CBS, 8 PM: This season [fill in investigation force] discovers [fill in crime] and then [fill in method of prosecution]. Repeat for every CBS procedural. New Girl, Fox, 8 PM: She's not so new anymore, but she's still funny. Ben and Kate, Fox, 8:30 PM: No, not your college friends who got divorced because she wanted and open marriage so she could sleep with women. No, this is about a wacky brother who is helping his straight-shooting sister who to raise a baby. See, it's much more normal than your friends Ben and Kate. NCIS: Los Angeles, CBS, 9 PM: This season [fill in investigation force] discovers [fill in crime] and then [fill in method of prosecution]. Move to L.A. The Mindy Project, Fox, 9:30 PM: The Office star Mindy Kaling plays a med student starring on a sitcom with a really bad name. Private Practice, ABC, 10 PM: Hasn't this hospital been blown up or abducted by aliens or closed down by malpractice lawsuits yet? Everything else has happened there. Vegas, Network, 10 PM: Apparently what happened there is refusing to stay. Wednesday, September 26 The Middle, ABC, 8 PM: No, this is not a show about love handles. Animal Practice, NBC, 8 PM: The show that interrupted the Olympics settles into its regular time slot. There is still a monkey doctor. Modern Family, ABC, 9 PM: Isn't their documentary finished yet? Criminal Minds, CBS, 9 PM: Good guys save the world from bad guys, right? Probably. Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NBC, 9 PM: If they didn't make new episodes, what would they show on cable? CSI: Original Recipe, CBS, 10 PM: A continued investigation into how Ted Danson's hair piece has fooled us all for so long. The Neighbors, NBC, 10 PM: Don't worry, this aliens next door comedy will be cancelled faster than you can say Coneheads. Thursday, September 27 The Big Bang Theory, CBS, 8 PM: Don't worry, Miami Bialkis' hand will still be there. Last Resort, ABC, 8 PM: A submarine disobeys orders and somehow becomes a sovereign nation with a nuclear bomb. Yeah, I don't get it either. Two and a Half Men, CBS, 8:30 PM: Miley Cyrus is on this season. Yeah, for real. Grey's Anatomy, ABC, 9 PM: Somewhere on a lonely sofa somewhere in 2003 there is still a crying girl eating a tube of cookie dough out of a tube. Person of Interest, CBS, 8 PM: Well, not of interest to everybody. But, yes, intersting! Elementary, CBS, 10 PM: This would have been a great name for a show about a school. Instead it's a reworking of Sherlock Holmes with Lucy Liu and the former Mr. Angelina Jolie. Scandal, ABC, 10 PM: This show about the President being a dirty old man started kind of boring but ended quite well. Bring on season two! Friday, September 28 CSI: NY, CBS, 8 PM: Miami is the one that got cancelled. Sorry, New York. Made in Jersey, CBS, 9 PM: This is not a show about Snooki's baby, it is about a blue collar girl taking over a white collar law firm. Sounds like Snooki at Law. Fringe, Fox, 9 PM: If you haven't been watching from the beginning, don't bother. Blue Bloods, CBS, 10 PM: Home of TV's best mustache. Sunday, September 30 Once Upon a Time, ABC, 8 PM: Now all the fairy tales know their in the real world. My 12-year-old self is so excited. The Amazing Race, CBS, 8 PM: Just give it another Emmy already. The Simpsons, Fox, 8 PM: All these years and Marge hasn't aged a day. Screw all the other merchandise, they should bottle that. Bob's Burgers, Fox, 8:30 PM: The is the cartoon that isn't The Simpsons or by Seth MacFarlane. Revenge, ABC, 9 PM: I am still so pissed about the move to Sunday I can't even talk about it. But I'm really excited for Madeline Stowe's immovable forehead. The Good Wife, CBS, 9 PM: Why do they have to move all the good strong lady shows from Tuesday to Sunday. We can only watch one thing at a time! Family Guy, Fox, 9 PM: Everyone you know who has done a keg stand is very happy about this. Dexter, Showtime, 9 PM: Now his sister is in love with him? How did they make a show about a serial killer even creepier? American Dad, Fox, 9:30 PM: Has the ET that lives in their house ever phoned home? Why not? 666 Park Avenue, ABC, 10 PM: Vanessa Williams and Lost's Terry O'Quinn own a haunted apartment building. It's filled with the ghosts of failed pilots past. Whoooo-hooooo! The Mentalist, CBS, 10 PM: My mother told me it was rude to call someone that. Homeland, Showtime, 10 PM: TV's twistiest hour comes back with terrorists, trips to the Middle East and Claire Danes running and crying. She's going to win an Emmy for running and crying, you know. Tuesday, October 2 Hart of Dixie, CW, 8 PM: See Rachel Bilson NOT in one of those Magnum ice cream bar ads. Raising Hope, Fox, 8 PM: Everyone's favorite ill-equipped parents are back. No, not Bristol Palin, Snooki or the cast of Teen Mom. Wednesday, October 3 Supernatural, CW, 9 PM: The real miracle is that this is still around. It must be made of magic. Thursday, October 4 30 Rock, NBC, 8 PM: Tina Fey's last season. Start your crying now. Monday, October 8 90210, Fox, 8 PM: Donna Martin has already graduated, right? Gossip Girl, CW, 9 PM: Between all the booze, hookups, and bad decisions, it's amazing Serena van der Woodsen is still alive. Wednesday, October 10 Arrow, CW, 8 PM: Now that Smallville is off the air, the CW needs another DC Comics hero on its roster. This time it's a sharp shooter who solves crime. Damn, archery is so hot right now. Thanks Katniss. Chicago Fire, NBC, 10 PM: Think NYPD Blue but in a fire house. At least there is plenty of shirtlessness. Nashville, ABC, 10 PM: Watching Connie Britton and Hayden Pain Quotidien have a blonde off in Country Strong: The Program is going to be amazing. Thursday, October 11 The Vampire Diaries, CW, 8 PM: She's a vampire now, guys! Finally, the title makes sense. Beauty and the Beast, CW, 9 PM: Anyone waiting for a "Be Our Guest" reprise is going to be sorely disappointed. Sunday, October 14 The Walking Dead, AMC, 9 PM: Finally they're off that damn farm. Now they head to prison. Let's hope there's more action there. Also drink every time someone asks, "Where's Carl?" Tuesday, October 16 Emily Owens, M.D., CW, 9 PM: Meryl Streep's daughter deserves better! Wednesday, October 17 Suburgatory, ABC, 10 PM: The funniest show you don't watch is back to fell more trees in the forest that no one hears. Friday, October 17 America's Next Top Model: College Edition, CW, 9 PM: It makes sense. It seems like Tyra's baby has been around for 18 years at this point. Whitney, NBC, 8 PM: Why? Community, NBC, 8:30 PM: Think people are finally going to start watching Community even without Dan Harmon? Don't think so. Sorry. Nikita, CW, 9 PM: Isn't it about time that Bridget Fonda guest starred? Tuesday, October 23 Happy Endings, ABC, 9 PM: Just like the happy ending you have to wait until the very end of the season to get this. Unlike a happy ending, this one requires no clean up. Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23, ABC, 9:30 PM: Some bangs, same scams, same Van Der Beek. Nothing wrong with that! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'The X Factor': A Deep Dive The Ballad of Troy and Abed — 8 Clips Chronicling the Greatest TV Friendship Ever 10 Other Shows That Should Be Banned Instead of 'The New Normal'
Top Story: Billy Bob Denies Cheating on Angelina
Billy Bob Thornton insists he did not cheat on his ex-wife Angelina Jolie while they were married. In an interview with GQ magazine, The Associated Press reports the actor said the infidelity "was [a] rumor but that was never it." Thornton went on to explain what really contributed to the marital breakup was that he and Jolie just had different ideas about how they wanted to live their lives; for example, he said, Jolie likes to go all over the world while he just wanted to stay home. In a July 2003 interview with Barbara Walters on 20/20, Jolie said she didn't feel like she knew Thornton anymore and thought that she would never get married again, AP reports.
Give Affleck His Razzies
Ben Affleck jokingly complained to AP Radio that he never got all the Razzies he won for Pearl Harbor and hoped his Gigli Razzie Awards, given for being the worst movie of 2003, were in the mail. He said he should, at the very least, get "a golden sack of grapes or something" and commented that the people who give out the awards have "diminished their integrity," by neglecting to send him his just rewards. But seriously, folks, Affleck said what happened to him and former fiancée Jennifer Lopez was his fears coming true all at once. "A fear starts to seep in, like what if something bad happens? What if everybody hates my movie? What if I have some public embarrassment? Then it all happens in a month and it turns out all right, it's not the end of the world," Affleck told AP Radio.
Bo Derek Lobbies for Horses
Actress and horse lover Bo Derek traveled to Washington, D.C., Tuesday to support legislation that would ban the killing of horses for gourmet dining overseas, AP reports. While the practice of slaughtering American horses for food has declined in recent years, the legislation--written by Reps. John Sweeney, whose district includes the historic Saratoga racetrack, and Ed Whitfield, a thoroughbred owner--would stop the nearly 50,000 horses countries killed every year for foreign consumption in countries such as France and Japan, where the meat is considered gourmet fare. "As a horse owner, I was shocked," Derek told AP. "We don't use horses any longer for pet food so why are we sending them over to other countries?"
Teenager Convicted in TV Actor's Shooting Death
Monique King, the 17-year-old girl whose false rape claim led to the 2002 shooting death of actor Merlin Santana, was convicted Tuesday of second-degree murder, AP reports. On the night of the shooting, King apparently told the two men who were convicted of killing Santana that the actor had made unwanted advances towards her, spurring the men into shooting Santana--best known for his recurring role on The Steve Harvey Show--as he sat in the passenger seat of a car. The girl later admitted the rape claim was a lie, AP reports.
Danny Aiello Wants To Sing
Actor Danny Aiello, best known for his films Do the Right Thing, Broadway Danny Rose and Moonstruck, has decided at the age of 70 to record an album, AP reports. "I've always loved to sing," Aiello said. "I've been singing since I was a kid." I Just Wanted to Hear the Words should be released in April, he told AP. The CD includes his renditions of standards such as "You'd Be So Nice To Come Home To" and "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter."
Blink-182 Cancels Shows After Drummer Injured
The group Blink-182 has canceled concerts in Australia, Japan and Hawaii after drummer Travis Barker fell down while getting off a bus in Melbourne Thursday and broke his foot, MTV.com reports. "It was just a freak accident," Barker said in a statement. "But it'll heal and we'll be back." Blink-182 will remain off the road until two shows scheduled in Mexico on April 22-23 and will go ahead with their planned 16-date tour with Cypress Hill and Taking Back Sunday, starting April 29 in Boise, Idaho. The group, which is touring in support of their untitled sixth album, will also co-headline a summer tour with No Doubt beginning June 1 outside Indianapolis.
The Apprentice Is NBC's "Trump" Card
Money, money, money, money! Donald Trump's hit reality series The Apprentice gave NBC the edge they needed to stay competitive among viewers aged 18 to 49 this week. Despite competing against TV's most popular program, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, The Apprentice drew a total of 19.2 million viewers last Thursday, landing it in the No. 6 position for the week. Here are the Top 10 shows for the week of March 8-14, according to Nielsen Media Research: (1) CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, CBS (2) American Idol (Tuesday), FOX (3) Survivor: All-Stars, CBS (4) American Idol (Wednesday), FOX (5) Without a Trace, CBS (6) The Apprentice, NBC (7) Everybody Loves Raymond, CBS (8) Friends, NBC (9) Cold Case, CBS (10) Will & Grace, NBC
Role Call: Parker, Walken Join Cigarettes, Bullock Gets Love Interest, More…
Mary-Louise Parker and Christopher Walken have signed to star alongside James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Mandy Moore and Kate Winslet in the musical comedy Romance and Cigarettes, to be directed by John Turturro. The United Artists project follows a cheating blue-collar husband who is forced to choose between his sexy mistress and his harried wife. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Romance will be intersperse by lip-synched performances of popular songs by artists including Nick Cave, Tom Jones and Bruce Springsteen … CBS' Without a Trace star Enrique Murciano has signed on to star as Sandra Bullock's love interest in Miss Congeniality 2. In the film, FBI Special Agent Gracie Hart (Bullock) heads to Las Vegas on a new case, wh