When looking back at this season of the Real Crustaceans of Booty Popping Reef, we will wonder what happened. Well, I can tell you exactly what happened. Kernya Moo-ah happened. That is pretty much it.
A bunch of women moved, Kim quit, and then Kernya Moo-ah continued her existence on this earth, unleasing a Pandora's box (that is not a computer that plays Pandora) of psychosis out into the world. That is all that happened and that is all that continues to happen.
We start off the evening with the aftermath to Portia and Kernya's stupid fight from last week where, well, I'm still not sure what happened. Basically Portia called Kernya an old tramp and Kernya called Portia irrelevant. (PS–If she's really irrelevant, why would you even bother fighting with her?)
Kernya storms off to her room to fume about everything and seemingly hold her face together with her hand. What was Kernya doing with her head? She was holding one hand up to her temple and walking around and recounting the events to Walter, but it never explained why her hand was there. Was she on the phone? Did she call the Drama Police to try to come and arrest Portia for starting drama? Was her mask about to fall off and we would all see that, underneath, Kernya Moo-ah is really an alien squid that is trying to take over the world from the body of a beauty queen? I don't know.
She not only looked ridiculous, but she was saying some ridiculous things too. She said that as the second black Miss USA, she is a part of history. I'm sorry, but being the second black Miss USA is sort of like getting a silver medal in rhythmic gymnastics. Sure, you're written down on the list of people somewhere, but it's not like people are going to start naming holidays after you.
Then she compares herself to Bill Clinton, the first fake black president, and Barack Obama, the first real black president. Yup, that's exactly it. I can't wait for my children to one day attend Kernya Moo-ah Elementary School, because her achievements winning a second-rate beauty pageant in the early '90s are sure going to start inspiring people to dedicate all sorts of things to her.
Also, Kernya once again intoned the name of Gone with the Wind to invoke her place in history.
What does this movie have to do with Kernya's significance? Is it because the first black woman to win an Oscar was in it? I bet it's because it is about history and Kernya thinks she too is about history. Or maybe she sees herself in one of the roles. She probably thinks she's Scarlet O'Hara, but she's really that prostitute who helps out Ashley.
The funny thing is, I think Kernya really believes all this. I think she thinks that she is this important. That is just crazy. I know that I'm only the second best Real Housewives recapper, but I don't think that's even going to get me a free sample from Kim's wig line (if the damn thing ever comes out). But Kernya, no, she thinks that she deserves some sort of recognition for all of her achievements. Guess what, Kernya, you're getting that recognition. It's called being on this damn show. Enjoy it.
Then, in the morning, Kernya gathers up all the women and apologizes for things getting out of hand the night before, but it's one of those apologizes that is really just trying to level Portia. "I'm so sorry that I was rude last night, but this bitch came at me and, well, what did you expect me to do? So, yeah, I did it. Sorries!"
And no one was having it. Even NeNe was like "This means nothing, Kernya apologized and Portia accepted it, but it don't mean nothing." Nope, it sure doesn't, NeNe.
That's the crazy thing about Kernya Moo-ah (oh, if I could figure out the one thing that makes her crazy, I could make a billion dollars selling self-help books).
I don't know if it's being involved in pageants for so long, but Kernya will smile at you and do what is nominally the right thing while simultaneously taking a big fat dump on your shoe. The same thing happens to Cynthia.
They're at this crazy lunch where they're sitting on some wooden platform in the ocean and are threatened with being swept away with the undertoe at any second. But you can't even focus on that, because the real force of nature is Kernya Moore's crazy.
She gives Cynthia a gift for organizing the trip, and it's a signed copy of Vanessa Williams' book. Kernya explains that Vanessa Williams is her idol (even though she was Miss America and not Miss USA, but whatever) and so it seems like it would be a very sweet gesture.
But it is not a sweet gesture. It's like that joke gum that once you put it in your mouth turns to ink and stains your teeth. Kernya also explains that she is giving Cynthia the book because she didn't know that Vanessa Williams is 10 years older than her and there is no way Kernya was that old, so this is a way that Cynthia can educate herself about Vanessa Williams.
Cynthia, because she is smart, sees this as a turd with a bow on it and then she just tosses this book in the surf where it will eventually wash up on a desolate island somewhere in the Caribbean and the indigenous people will one day worship Vanessa Williams as a goddess (as everyone very well should).
After lunch, Cynthia takes this as a time to rehash their last fight at the Bailey School for Wayward Girls and Delicious Pancake Buffet.
She tells Kernya that when you come into her space you have to respect her rules and that she shouldn't crush the dreams of the girls in public at an open call. That is very right.
Kernya says, "Let me tell you a story about Maurice. He was one of the judges at the Miss Michigan pageant and he was the owner of a chain of dry cleaning stores all throughout the Detroit area.
He also did all the flower arrangements for the pageant and was gayer than a three-dollar goose on Christmas. I showed up the first time to try to win so I could go on to be Miss USA and he saw my sequined dress and my tits all hanging out of my swimsuit and he took me aside and said, 'Girrrrrlllll. You could totally win this, but your look is busted. Why you got on all those sequins? Why your titties all up in here. This isn't the Purple Parrot. You're not working your booty for dollars. This is Miss Michigan. If you want to be a part of history, hunty, then you better get some new clothes.' And I was just trying to do the same to her. I was trying to help. And that girl, who I accused of having a coochie crack, she emailed me and said, 'Kernya, thank you for humiliating me in public. Now I know not to show my coochie crack.' See, I was being helpful."
OK, Kernya, you were not. You were not even trying to do that, and trying to mask your picking on this woman and then causing a fight with one of the employees of the Cynthia Bailey Detective Agency and Home for the Blind was not at all helping. That was you being an awful person in public and then trying to find some rationale for it later.
Cynthia calls her out on it and tells Kernya that she was being awful and Kernya, knowing she has no defense falls down in to the sand and starts rolling around. I thought at first this was the Speed Demon that posseses her soul trying to take over and come out.
I thought Kernya was trying to speak in tongues or something and channel the good Lord to apologize for everything she did to Cynthia. But it was not. It was just her trying to distract everyone from her insanity and make it seem like she's a fun girl. She is not.
And her acting insane doesn't mean that the allegations alleged against her are allegedly wrong. They are usually right, and she needs to hear how wrong she is, no matter how many conversations she tries to end by acting insane.
Now, finally, we have to talk about Kernya's fight with Walter. Her insistence to get married, even worse than being crazy, is annoying. She just needs to shut up about getting married, especially because Walter doesn't want to.
When Walter tells everyone, repeatedly, that it's not going to happen, Kernya gets all mad and leaves the table. Walter follows her to explain that he said that eloping might be a good idea and they would see what happened, but she can't get all mad that she's not getting married before leaving the island. It's like getting pissed off at your best friend because he said if he wins the lotto he would take you to Paris and he didn't win the Powerball and still hasn't booked the tickets.
Walter's being stern, but she accuses him of yelling. Excuse me? Crazy Kernya Moo-ah, who yells at everyone, who lies to her boyfriend, who totally makes things up so that she can seem fancy, is trying to school even-keeled Walter because he tried to snap her out of her fantasy land? Oh please. This was all so dumb. That's the problem with Kernya (one of millions) is that her crazy isn't even that interesting. It's just, well, bonkers.
So Walt goes back to dinner and Kernya goes out on the front lawn to cry under a street light, her tears hitting the ground like soft dollops of dew. The sound of the ocean is beating somewhere off in the distance and Kernya, well, she can only think about how she was wronged. She can only think about putting back on her smile and heading back into that dinner party and pretending like she doesn't want to get married. But she can't. They've won.
All the people who said you can't force a man to marry you by dint of insistence. They've all won. A she, once again, is a loser.
Eventually Pheadra will come out and say, in her special way, "Everybody knows the only person who wants a husband is someone who never had one, because they aren't all they're cracked up to be." Eventually she will hug her and walk her back inside and she will sit back down and they'll all say their goodbyes to this island and get back to Atlanta.
Eventually. But right now it's just Kernya and her tears, it's just the glow of the street light casting her long shadow on the grass, it's just the gradient hum of the ocean coming in and out, never stopping, never getting better, never being right, never having to say its wrong.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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Universal's unsinkable "U-571" continued full speed ahead in first place this weekend just as studio tracking data indicated it would.
The PG-13 World War II submarine drama, which had a 19% first-choice tracking going into the weekend, held on to the top spot with a brisk ESTIMATED $12.33 million (-37%) at 2,615 theaters (+32 theaters; $4,715 per theater). Its cume is approximately $38.2 million, heading for $60 million-plus in domestic theaters.
"U-571's" per theater average was the highest for any film playing in wide release this weekend.
Directed by Jonathan Mostow, "U-571" stars Matthew McConaughey, Bill Paxton, Harvey Keitel and Jon Bon Jovi.
"Once again, Universal keeps the marketplace afloat," Universal distribution president Nikki Rocco said Sunday morning. "With nearly 40% of the market share in a lackluster environment, Universal managed to have three films in the Top Ten."
Rocco sees "U-571" sailing "past $60 million, but a lot depends on what happens next week. There's a very big film that's tracking tremendously well for males called 'Gladiator,' which is 50% owned by Universal (and 50% owned by DreamWorks). 'U-571' could be affected by it. There's no doubt about it. It depends on how much the marketplace can expand. If you take a look at the business, there's not much going on out there. So we're hoping that 'Gladiator' does expand the marketplace enough for 'U-571' to hang in there and for 'Gladiator' to do a ton of business."
Although DreamWorks is distributing "Gladiator" domestically and Universal has it internationally, Rocco pointed out, "We're 50-50 partners. We share equally in the film."
The R rated action adventure "Gladiator," a period piece set during the time of the Roman Empire, is directed by Ridley Scott and stars Russell Crowe.
Universal also owned second place, opening its "The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas" to a rock solid ESTIMATED $10.81 million at 3,037 theaters ($3,560 per theater).
"Vegas" is the PG rated prequel to the 1996 "Flintstones" blockbuster that grossed over $350 million worldwide.
Directed by Brian Levant, director of the original "Flintstones," the prequel stars Mark Addy and Stephen Baldwin.
"It's great. There's no (other) family film in the marketplace. Its tracking indicated it would open around $10 million, which is what I expected," Universal's Rocco said.
"We also have a lot of promotional tie-ins this week -- particularly with Burger King -- which should keep it in the marketplace. There's nothing else doing business with the family audience. Obviously, the kids like it, particularly young females."
New Line's opening of its PG-13 rated time travel thriller "Frequency" was a high-powered third with an ESTIMATED $9.125 million at 2,621 theaters ($3,481 per theater).
Directed by Gregory Hoblit, it stars Dennis Quaid and Jim Caviezel.
"We're just tickled," New Line distribution head David Tuckerman said Sunday morning. "It was tracking (to open) at $7 million. We had a big rush at the end, which is a New Line specialty. We think this picture's going to be in the marketplace for a long time."
Who is the film's core audience? "You know something," Tuckerman replied, "it's all over (the place). That was one of the problems we had with (marketing) the movie. All sections are, like, tracking equally -- the under-25, the over 25, and both male and female."
20th Century Fox's opening of its PG-13 rated drama "Where the Heart Is" finished fourth with a heartening ESTIMATED $8.3 million at 2,437 theaters ($3,405 per theater).
The $15 million "Heart" is likely to be profitable for Fox, which reportedly picked it up for domestic and English speaking territories for just $9 million.
Directed and produced by Matt Williams, it stars Natalie Portman, Ashley Judd, Stockard Channing and Joan Cusack.
"The picture played extremely well, especially to women," Tom Sherak, 20th Domestic Film Group chairman and senior executive vice president of Fox Filmed Entertainment, said Sunday morning.
"70% of the audience was women. It played in the 80%'s definite recommend and in the 90%'s excellent and very good. So, hopefully, it will have a nice long run. The definite recommend for younger women (under 25) was 82% and for older women was 78%."
Noting "Heart's" low acquisition cost to Fox, Sherak said, "We should do really well on it."
New Line also scored a fifth place victor with "Love & Basketball," down three hoops in its second week with a still lovely ESTIMATED $5.55 million (-32%) at 1,245 theaters (+8 theaters; $4,458 per theater). Its cume is approximately $15.9 million.
The PG-13 rated drama, which reportedly cost under $10 million to make, is targeted to under-25 African-Americans.
Written and directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood, it stars Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan.
"I think it's going to do between $35 and $40 million," New Line distribution head David Tuckerman said Sunday morning. "I think it's profitable now."
Paramount's R rated military trial drama "Rules of Engagement" fell three pegs in its fourth week to sixth place with a quiet ESTIMATED $4.75 million (-41%) at 3,027 theaters (-193 theaters; $1,569 per theater). Its cume is approximately $50.2 million heading for $60-65 million in domestic theaters.
Directed by William Friedkin, it stars Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L. Jackson.
Buena Vista/Touchstone's PG-13 rated romantic comedy "Keeping the Faith" continued to show good legs in its third week, down two rungs to seventh place with an okay ESTIMATED $4.6 million (-35%) at 2,171 theaters (+13 theaters; $2,150 per theatre). Its cume is approximately $25.7 million.
Directed by Edward Norton, it stars Ben Stiller, Jenna Elfman and Edward Norton.
Columbia's PG-13 rated dramatic comedy "28 Days" slid four notches to eighth place in its third week with a restrained ESTIMATED $4.0 million (-45%) at 2,523 theaters (theater count unchanged; $1,585 per theater). Its cume is approximately $28.6 million, heading for $40 million in domestic theaters.
Directed by Betty Thomas, "Days" stars Sandra Bullock and Viggo Mortensen.
Universal's "Erin Brockovich" fell three notches to ninth place in its seventh weekend with a less sexy ESTIMATED $3.77 million (-31%) at 2,504 theaters (-652 theaters; $1,505 per theater). Its cume is approximately $113.0 million, heading for $125-130 million in domestic theaters.
The R rated dramatic comedy was co-financed by Universal, which is distributing it domestically, and by Columbia, which is releasing it internationally. The two studios are 50-50 partners in the picture.
Directed by Steven Soderbergh, it stars Julia Roberts, Albert Finney and Aaron Eckart.
Rounding out the Top Ten was New Line's R rated suspense thriller "Final Destination," down one rung and holding solidly in its seventh weekend with a strong ESTIMATED $2.53 million (-10%) at 1,153 theaters (-162 theaters; $2,190 per theater). Its cume is approximately $46.1 million heading for $50 million in domestic theaters.
Directed by James Wong, it stars Devon Sawa.
MGM's PG rated romantic comedy "Return to Me" was nearly tied with "Final," placing 11th, down three slots in its fourth week with an okay ESTIMATED $2.5 million (-37%) at 2,006 theaters (-314 theaters; $1,246 per theater). Its cume is approximately $25.2 million.
Directed by Bonnie Hunt, "Return" cost only about $24 million to make. It stars David Duchovny and Minnie Driver.
Last weekend also saw the arrival, via Sony's Screen Gems label, of its R rated digitally shot comedy "Time Code," placing 23rd with an enc uraging ESTIMATED $0.095 million at 7 theaters ($13,571 per theater).
Directed by Mike Figgis, it stars Saffron Burrows and Salma Hayek.
"We're really excited about it," Sony Pictures releasing president Jeff Blake said Sunday morning. "We really feel like we're on the front end of a real filmmaking revolution here. I think that's always what made the project fun. We got very nice reviews and, I think, great results. The Nuart (in West L.A.) looks like it's going to do over $25,000. Both New York runs look like about $17,000 each. I think there's real interest here. The fact that it's the beginning of something that a lot of people feel is coming - shooting completely in digital from beginning to end -- really makes it kind of exciting.
"This really is the kind of picture we formed Screen Gems to get involved with. I think Valerie Van Galder and her marketing team really did a terrific job on this."
Looking ahead, Blake said, "We're going to add 16 more major markets next Friday and then expand on May 12 in the markets we opened this week."
Lions Gate Films' R rated dark comedy "The Big Kahuna" arrived in New York and Los Angeles, placing 24th with an okay ESTIMATED $0.088 million at 8 theaters ($11,000 per theater).
Directed by John Swanbeck, "Kahuna" stars Kevin Spacey, Danny DeVito and Peter Facinelli.
"On May 12 we go into seven additional markets exclusive, and on May 19 it's going to go out to approximately 400 runs," Lions Gate co-president Tom Ortenberg said Sunday morning.
Looking at "Kahuna's" first weekend, Ortenberg said, "I think it's solid. It's an art film. It's going to play like an art film. Our best run in Los Angeles was actually Pasadena, which I think shows the more mature suburban nature of the picture. So I'm not so concerned about opening up to huge numbers out of the gate. On 'The Red Violin,' we had areas where, for example, Palo Alto/Menlo Park was bigger than the city of San Francisco. Deerfield, Illinois, was bigger than the city of Chicago. Boulder was bigger than Denver.
"We weren't looking for huge numbers out of the core runs. We were looking to get the picture on its feet and established in the marketplace and kind of set the groundwork for further expansion. I think that's pretty much what we've done."
Miramax's R rated dark comedy "Committed" opened in New York and L.A., placing 26th with an uncommitted ESTIMATED $0.012 million at 6 theaters (3 in New York and 3 in Los Angeles; $2,000 per theater).
Written and directed by Lisa Krueger, it stars Heather Graham and Casey Affleck.
"It will go to the Top Ten (markets) next week," Miramax senior vice president, marketing David Kaminow said Sunday morning.
USA Films' R rated dark comedy "The Idiots" opened in New York, placing 27th with a calm ESTIMATED $0.007 million at 2 theaters ($3,642 per theater).
Directed by Lars von Trier, it stars Brodil Jorgensen.
Sony Pictures Classics kicked off its R rated romantic comedy "Bossa Nova" at two theaters in New York. No estimates were available Sunday morning since SPC does not track its openings.
Directed by Bruno Barreto, it stars Amy Irving and Antonio Fagundes.
There were no national sneak previews this weekend.
On the expansion front, Miramax's R rated comedy "East Is East" went wider in its third week, placing 21st with an encouraging ESTIMATED $0.27 million at 39 theaters (+21 theaters; $6,100 per theater). Its cume is approximately $0.6 million.
Produced by Leslee Udwin and directed by Damien O'Donnell, "East" stars Om Puri and Linda Bassett.
Paramount Classics' R rated drama about teen suicide, "The Virgin Suicides," expanded in its second week, placing 22nd with a less sexy ESTIMATED $0.17 million (-29%) at 29 theaters (+11 theaters; $5,765 per theater). Its cume is approximately $0.5 million.
Written and directed by Sofia Coppola, it stars James Woods, Kathleen Turner, Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett.
USA Films went wider with its R rated drama "Joe Gould's Secret," placing 25th in its fourth week with a dull ESTIMATED $0.064 million at 32 theaters (+3 theaters; $2,013 per theater). Its cume is approximately $0.3 million.
Directed by Stanley Tucci, it stars Ian Holm and Stanley Tucci.
Key films -- those grossing more than $500,000 for the weekend -- took in approximately $76.97 million, up about 42.47% from the comparable weekend last year when key films grossed $54.02 million.
This weekend's key film gross was down about 9.80% from this year's previous weekend, when key films grossed $85.33 million.
Last year, 20th Century Fox's opening week of "Entrapment" was first with $20.15 million at 2,815 theaters ($7,157 per theater); and Warner Bros.' fifth week of "The Matrix" was second with $8.72 million at 2,903 theaters ($3,002 per theater). The top two films one year ago grossed $28.8 million. This year, the top two films grossed an ESTIMATED $23.1 million.
STUDIO MARKET SHARES
Based on business by key films (those grossing $500,000 or more), last weekend's top six distributors were:
Universal was first with four films ("U-571," "The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas," "Erin Brockovich" and "The Skulls"), grossing an ESTIMATED $28.22 million or 36.6% of the market.
New Line was second with three films ("Frequency," "Love & Basketball" and "Final Destination"), grossing an ESTIMATED $17.2 million or 22.3% of the market.
20th Century Fox was third with one film ("Where the Heart Is"), grossing an ESTIMATED $8.3 million or 10.8% of the market.
Buena Vista (Disney, Touchstone)was fourth with three films ("Keeping the Faith," "High Fidelity" and "Fantasia 2000"), grossing an ESTIMATED $7.9 million or 10.3% of the market.
Paramount was fifth with one film ("Rules of Engagement"), grossing an ESTIMATED $4.75 million or 6.2% of the market.
Sony Pictures Releasing (Columbia, TriStar, Screen Gems) was sixth with one film ("28 Days"), grossing an ESTIMATED $4.0 million or 5.2% of the market.
(12)The Road to El Dorado/DreamWorks: Theaters: 2,247 (-923) Gross: $2.2 million (-58%) Average per theater: $979 Cume: $46.6 million
(13)Fantasia 2000/BV/Disney: Theaters: 53 (0) (all IMAX) Gross: $2.0 million (+11%) Average per theater: $38,056 Cume: $49.7 million (domestic)
(14) American Psycho/Lions Gate: Theaters: 1,012 (-230) Gross: $1.35 million (-50%) Average per theater: $1,334 Cume: $12.1 million
(15)The Skulls/Universal: Theaters: 1,340 (-707) Gross: $1.31 million (-52%) Average per theater: $975 Cume: $32.6 million
(16)High Fidelity/BV/Touchstone: Theaters: 806 (-425) Gross: $1.3 million (-40%) Average per theater: $1,635 Cume: $22.2 million
(17)Gossip/Warner Bros.: Theaters: 1,525 (0) Gross: $0.98 million (-58%) Average per theater: $645 Cume: $4.2 million
(18)Romeo Must Die/Warner Bros.: Theaters: 709 (-730) Gross: $0.84 million (-46%) Average per theater: $1,180 Cume: $53.7 million
(19)American Beauty/DreamWorks: Theaters: 791 (-339) Gross: $0.73 million (-46%) Average per theater: $923 Cume: $128.2 million
(20)Where the Money Is/USA Films: Theaters: 456 (-1,079) Gross: $0.3 million (-76%) Average per theater: $650 Cume: $5.4 million
(21)East Is East/Miramax: (see EXPANSIONS above)
(22)The Virgin Suicides/Paramount Classics: (see EXPANSIONS above)
(23)TIME CODE/Sony/Screen Gems: (see OTHER OPENINGS above)
(24)THE BIG KAHUNA/Lions Gate: (see OTHER OPENINGS above)
(25)Joe Gould's Secret/USA Films: (see EXPANSIONS above)
(26)COMMITTED/Miramax: (see OTHER OPENINGS above)
(27)THE IDIOTS/USA Films: (see OTHER OPENINGS above)