There is nothing dirtier than money.
I'm not speaking proverbially here. This is no tirade about the "root of all evil" or the insatiable hunger pangs of human greed. Money — the bills and coins that you carry around in your wallets (or, if you're like me, airtight baggies) — is sanitarily reprehensible. Germs flyin' out the wazoo. So that is why, my dear friends in modern fiction, I implore you: stop rolling around in it.
Last night, on the latest episode of Breaking Bad, a stalwart fellow we know only has Huell satisfied an apparently longstanding desire and took a quick breather atop a monstrous mound of cash stowed away in his client Walter White's top secret locker unit. Any hot-blooded working stiff can sympathize: you see a ton of dough, you want to just dive right in. Do the ol' Scrooge McDuck (a reference Huell's compadre Kuby makes during the scene) and really feel the riches painting your skin. But if you're, once again, like me, that last phrase probably made you want to vomit.
Take a dollar bill out of your pocket. Not even the crumpled one with the coffee stains and the six-digit phone number scribbled on the back — the most presentable excuse for legal tender you have on you. Take a second to think about where you got it — the bowling alley? The compost depot? The T.G.I. Friday's? No matter where it was, odds are it has passed through the hands of thousands (and that's being humble) of other people before you. People who bite their nails, clutch subway poles, groom warthogs professionally, and give massages to particularly swarthy members of organized crime rings. By the time this dollar bill lands in your palm, it has traces of everything from lice to cocaine to livestock pheromones to human blood coating it that inimitable shade of green.
Of course, we live and function in a capitalistic regime. To forego use of tangible currency would be as crazy a notion as not keeping the latest issue of Wild Boar Weekly in the waiting room of your warthog-grooming salon. As such, we must handle money. But that doesn't mean we have to roll around in it!
No, Huell, you don't have to sprawl atop Walt's collection of ill-gotten gains. No, Scrooge McDuck, you don't have to take daily dips in an ocean of gold coins. No, Demi Moore. You don't have to cake your bedspread in the treasures of prostitution while you celebrate your newfound fiscal fortitude. Quite frankly, you're the one I'm most disappointed in.
Take heed, all. Resist the urge to flounder about in tainted notes of trade. It might seem like a cheap thrill, but at the expense of your health. And money can't buy health.
Well, I guess it can... and if you've got enough of it to roll around in, you're probably pretty set on medical insurance... still. Don't do it. It's gross. You should all be ashamed.
I'm talkin' to you, Demi.
Follow Michael Arbeiter on Twitter @MichaelArbeiter | Follow hollywood.com on Twitter @hollywood_com
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Craving a fun, crazy, wild, sexual ride? That's exactly what Justin Timberlake delivered as he hosted Saturday Night Live for the fifth time Saturday. Facing high expectations going into the evening, Timberlake more than lived up to the hype during his duties. Not only did the multi-hyphenate revive old characters, like his "D**k in a Box" lady-killer and OmeletteVille shiller, Timberlake also headlined some entertaining new sketches. He posed as temporarily chaste Emperor Caligula, starred in a fictional romantic comedy trailer, made an appearance in a Moet & Chandon commercial, and performed two of his hit new songs.
But, there was more. SNL also inducted Timberlake into the "Five-Timers Club" and upon entering, he greeted by some more than A-List celebrity names like Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, and more. Oh yeah, and Jay-Z even made an appearance during one of Timberlake's performances. If SNL was trying to make us forget the series' past subpar three months, it certainly succeeded.
Read below to see what happened during Saturday night's star-studded episode.
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Hugo Chavez Memorial Performance
Becoming one of the rare hosts to appear in SNL's cold open, Timberlake posed as Elton John, sitting down at the piano to play and sing a tribute to deceased Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez. Poking fun at both John’s Princess Diana’s tribute, "Candle in the Wind," and the late leader, Timberlake sang about Chavez’s pistol-wielding press conferences and bizarre view that Capitalism killed Mars.
Justin Joins the Five-Timers Club
A dapper Timberlake began the star-studded festivities during his monologue, which officially inducted the five-time host into SNL's famous "Five-Timers Club." An update of Tom Hanks' famous 1990 monologue, Timberlake's opening brought back five-time hosts Paul Simon, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Alec Baldwin, Candice Bergen, and Hanks himself. (Members Drew Barrymore and John Goodman weren’t on-hand, but their portraits hung on the wall.)
As if those big names wasn't enough, original cast member Dan Aykroyd was there to serve Timberlake a special Gilly-inspired drink called the “Kristen Wiig” (god bless her SNL departed soul), and Martin Short, the third amigo, served hors d’oeuvres covered in the germs from his sneezes. If you were hoping for a Three Amigos reunion, you were rewarded later in the episode when Short, Martin, and Chase (in his first post-Community TV appearance) dressed as Ned Nederlander, Lucky Day, and Dusty Bottoms later in the show to introduce Timberlake's second performance.
It’s A Date
"D**k in a Box" twosome Timberlake and Andy Samberg made their return as a double dating pair posing as contestants in a Dating Game-esque program. But they had some lofty and legendary competition — they were stacked up against Bobby Moynihan as a sweet contestant looking for love and Aykroyd and Martin's Festrunk Brothers, the two wild and crazy guys made famous during SNL's 1970s glory days.
Turns out Timberlake and Samberg's duo and the Festrunk Brothers were the real match mad in heaven during the hilarious sketch — not only was it a treat for hardcore SNL fans to see Aykroyd and Martin revive their 30-year-old characters, but the "D**k in a Box" two some invited uproarious laughter with their dream dates, which included “[railing] on your butt," and their insistence that women can't get pregnant in the summertime. (Bonus points for the DuckTales shout-out.)
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VeganVille Vs. Sausage Depot
OmletteVille reinvented! Timberlake tried to create a “meat-free zone” by musically intimidating Moynihan's Sausage Depot mascot to give up his post, much like he did in the singer's now-famous 2003 OmletteVille sketch. In this bit, Timbelake whipped up some of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” with “brown rice baby” as the kicker, and even sang tofu-inspired versions of hits from Rihanna and more. Timberlake ended the sketch with Baauer’s “Harlem Shake.” WHY, TIMBERLAKE WHY? I love you, but don't you know we've been trying to shake off the shake?
Birth Control NuvaBling Commercial
This sketch advertises a scary imaginary product: a bedazzled NuvaRing. For those who think vajazzling just isn't enough, the birth control product shines from within you... and hurts. Honestly, I could have done without this piece — I certainly didn't need nightmares about “shining up that 'gine" to accompany me to bed.
Timberlake Performs "Suit & Tie"
If Veganville didn’t give you enough of Timberlake’s infamous dancing skills, he certainly delivered performing his new single, “Suit & Tie.” There’s no denying that this man has his groove back after his musical hiatus, which gives us extra reason to continue to be endlessly jealous of the singer's new wife, Jessica Biel.
As if his dance skills weren’t enough, Jay-Z also joined Timberlake on stage to finish up the performance. And when it was over, I was left craving for Timberlake to “show [me] a few [more] things.”
Seth Meyers started off the “Weekend Update” with another Chavez funeral joke and a rib about the North Korea-bound Dennis Rodman crashing the papal conclave. Meyers also joked about Playboy's Hebrew version of the magazine (look at the women's breasts from right to left) and Saturday's switch to Daylight Savings Time: “The clock on your oven will be wrong for six months.” Actually, the clock on my wall will finally be right again for the next six months.
And proving that SNL continued to pull out all the stops, Stefon (Bill Hader) appeared on Weekend Update to share his patented party advice, and, as an added bonus, offered an impression of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare. (We couldn't have dreamed up anything better.) But the bit left us wondering one thing: Why didn't anyone tell us Jamba Juice was bad for you?
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The Tales of Sober Caligula
Emperor Caligula (played by Timberlake) decided to clean up and stop abusing alcohol and partaking in orgies. What caused the infamous Roman Emperor to give up his dirty ways? He “woke up with [his] penis in the mouth of a dead lion” one day. (You don't want to know where the lion's penis was.) So, instead of the usual orgies, Caligula ruled that his court would participate in game night instead. Screw sober Caligula — doesn’t a Timberlake sexcapade sound much more thrilling? At least the pig got lucky.
Maine Justice or Southern Lies?
Timberlake's hair as a Maine-based baliff was the first sign of bad things to come in this mock court TV show. Indistinguishable dialogue, a blowup alligator, and a confusing premise (a town in Maine thinks its New Orleans?) couldn’t save the sketch, despite Timberlake's valiant efforts.
Timberlake Performs “Mirrors”
The Three Amigos — Short, Martin, and Chase — dressed up as a mariachi band as a nod to their 1986 movie and introduced Timberlake for his second performance. There is nothing else that can be said about this other than it was flawless.
She’s Got A D!%k
Airing near the end of the night, Timberlake’s mock movie trailer centered on “an adorable brunette,” who Timberlake finds out actually has a d**k. But despite his confused black friend’s advice, the heart wants what it wants, and the romantic comedy had the potential to be even better than Friends With Benefits.
Moet & Chandon
Ricky V.I.Penis (Timberlake’s final character of the night) closed the show with an advertisement for Moet and Chandon starring porn stars. Imagining Timberlake as a porn star needing more room in his pants? Now, that's a real reason to celebrate!
Follow Lindsey on Twitter @LDiMat.
[Photo Credit: NBC]
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Disney's initial experiment with first-run syndication features classic Disney characters in new situations. Concentrates on the adventures of Donald Duck's Uncle Scrooge McDuck who is left to care for nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie when Donald is drafted by the Navy and sent to sea. The three rambunctious boys would be much more difficult to handle if it weren't for his unshakable values of compassion, loyalty and good sense. An entrepreneur who has conquered commerce on every front, Scrooge, accompanied by his three precocious nephews, travels across the globe in search of exciting adventures and outrageous new friends.