It's been months, absolutely months, since we've been doled out a dose of the greatest American tragedy that is on television today. Yes, I am absolutely shaking with joy (or is that withdrawal?) that The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is coming back November 5 and that Bravo finally released a trailer for the upcoming season. We have all sorts of things to look forward too (most of them related to Kim Richards and her face lined with survival, regret, and the cheap makeup that she fished out of a dumpster) but here are 31 things from the trailer that really got my lap dog barking. –Kyle Richards being attacked by meat.
–Suzanne Somers talking about her lady parts.
–Kim Richards. Not anything specific, just Kim Richards.
–St. Camille Grammer making out with a hot dude who may or may not be a statue come to life.
–Kyle Richards shoving her coochie in the air, again.
–Paul Nasiff in Maloof hoofs.
–Lisa Vanderpump in a girly swing that looks like it's from some fake Victorian masterwork that your great grandmother had in her parlor.
–Ken and Lisa engaging in the sacred Real Housewives ritual of renewing their vows. It looks chi chi chi chi chi chi.
–Ken being wheeled on a gurney. Heart attack or plastic surgery (and am I going to hell for asking)?
–Watching Kim Richards get a nose job on live (taped) television.
–Watching Kim Richards in recovery. No, from the nose job!
–Watching Kim Richards smoke an electronic cigarette. All students of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills know the electronic cigarette bestows magic psychic powers on the smoker.
–Brandi Glanville confronting the other woman.
–Brandi Glanville crying, the saddest sight in the world.
–There's no Dana/Pam. Where is Dana/Pam? Should I be excited that she is gone? I am conflicted.
–Kim and Kyle Richards talking about recovery, not from a nose job edition.
–Kim Richards relapse scare!
–You see that lady who appears to be Alex McCord's wealthier younger sister. That is in fact a new housewife named Marisa Zanuck. She works with Kyle's husband Mauricio. She doesn't say or do much though, so she may be boring.
–There is another new housewife, Yolanda H. Foster. The H stands for "hatred" because she does not like Adrienne Maloof, the queen of the Maloof people that live under the mountain. Oh no, she does not.
–The H also stands for hatred of Taylor Armstrong, who Yolanda H. Foster also hates. Hates!
–Speaking of Taylor, she's in a fight with some old gay pianist. Is that Michael Feinstein? They all look the same.
–Lisa and Brandi are allies now!
–Paul is going to come for Brandi. Brandi will win.
–The gesticulating football that is Faye Resnick!
–Everyone hates Paul, who looks like a Great Dane who learned to walk on two legs (and in high heels).
–Real Househusbands fighting.
–Adrienne's house is on fire.
–No, I mean the house is actually on fire with flames, and not of hatred Miss White style.
–Kim Richards, at one point during the season, is going to be compelled to say, in a sexy voice, "Boom boom she bang." I don't know what would compel her to do this, but it is, already, the highlight of my year.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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The God of Legion secular Hollywood’s latest Biblically-inspired action flick is old-school an angry spiteful Almighty with a penchant for Old Testament theatrics. Fed up with humanity’s decadent warmongering ways He’s decided to pull the plug on the whole crazy experiment and start over from scratch.
Fortunately for us the God of Legion is also a rather lazy fellow. Instead of doing the apocalyptic work himself and wiping us out with a giant flood which worked perfectly well last time He opts to delegate the task to His army of angels — a questionable strategy that starts to fall apart when the archangel charged with leading the planned extermination Michael (Paul Bettany) refuses to comply.
Michael who unlike his boss still harbors affection for our sorry species abandons his post and descends to earth where inside the swollen belly of Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) an unwed mother-to-be working as a waitress in an out-of-the-way diner sits humanity’s lone hope for survival. Why is this particular baby so important? Is it the one destined to lead us to victory over Skynet? Heaven knows — Legion reveals little details its script devoid of actual scripture. What is clear is that God’s celestial hitmen want the kid whacked before it’s born.
But Michael won’t let humanity fall without a fight. Armed with a Waco-sized arsenal of assault weapons he hunkers down with the diner’s patrons a largely superfluous collection of thinly-sketched caricatures from various demographic groups led by Dennis Quaid as the diner’s grizzled owner Tyrese Gibson as a hip-hop hustler and Lucas Black as a simple-minded country boy.
Together they mount a heroic final stand against hordes of angels who’ve taken possession of “weak-willed” humans turning kindly old grandmas and mild-mannered ice cream vendors into snarling ravenous foul-mouthed beasts. They descend upon the ramshackle diner in a series of full-frontal assaults commanded by the archangel Gabriel (Kevin Durand) the George Pickett of End of Days generals.
Beneath its superficial religious facade Legion is really just a run-of-the-mill zombie flick a Biblical I Am Legend. Bettany an actor accustomed to smaller dramatic roles in films like A Beautiful Mind and The Da Vinci Code looks perfectly at ease in his first major action role wielding machine guns and bowie knives with equal aplomb. Conversely first-time director Scott Stewart a former visual effects artist does little to prove himself worthy of such a promotion serving up some impressive CGI work but not much else worthy of note.