It wouldn't be a Comedy Central roast without an offensive race joke — and a rape joke, an incest joke, a sexist joke, a homophobic joke, and so on and so forth. That's all part of the fun when you sign on for one of the network's celebrated mean-fests, though it must be noted that they are all filmed in advance so that some of the zingers — like Jeffrey Ross' shocker about the recent mass shootings in Aurora, Colo. — can be edited out of the broadcast. This year, the roastee in question was Roseanne Barr, and while the famed comedienne-slash-failed national anthem singer took her fair share of hits ( “You know you’re unattractive when Sara Gilbert is the eye-candy on set”), the overall atmosphere was more "all in good fun" than it was when Charlie Sheen took the hot seat last year. (But that bastard deserved it.)
As we said last week, the most buzzworthy moment happened when Barr's ex, Tom Arnold, took the stage after 18 years of deliberate separation. The two touchingly made their peace on national television, after Ross, Roast master Jane Lynch, comedienne Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, Katey Sagal, Ellen Barkin, Carrie Fisher, Gilbert Gottfried, Wayne Brady, and Seth Green did their damage.
In an interesting twist of pseudo-premonition, Ross (who came dressed as Joe Paterno) ended his bit with comments on the sad state of comedy today, bemoaning the fact that comedians occasionally have to "second guess their imaginations and apologize for jokes," undoubtedly referring to the recent incidents involving Dane Cook and Daniel Tosh. Tragic, indeed. Fisher mostly poked fun at herself, while everyone tended to leave Sagal alone. (Might they be afraid of her husband, the infamously outspoken Sons of Anarchy producer Kurt Sutter? Or does everyone just really like her?) You can find the deepest cuts below, organized by topic to make things easier for the kiddies:
Race: "You're so white that I tried to snort you backstage." — Fisher, to Brady
“Now, Wayne, you’re going to hear a lot of jokes tonight about how you’re not a real black man, but I just want you to know — I still hid my purse.” — Lynch, to Brady
Weight: "This business can really be tough on women. Many of them develop eating disorders in an effort to be thin. It's just a suggestion." — Sagal, to Schumer
“Carrie Fisher make yourself comfortable — chain yourself to Roseanne’s chair.” — Ross to Fisher, calling Barr Jabba the Hutt
"Normally when I roast a pig it has an apple in its mouth." — Ross to Barr, handing her an apple
Molestation: "You know how everyone has that one weird, creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them." — Jeselnik to Green
“Comedy comes from pain, people, and nobody knows that better than this woman, the legendary Roseanne Barr — who was molested as a child. Ugh, that poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.” — Ross, to Barr, who was actually molested
Drugs: "Carrie, you've cut more lines than a crippled kid at Disneyland." — Schumer, to Fisher
"If I had to come up with one reason why I love you so much, it would have to be because I have done so much dope that I have no idea who the f*** you are or who I am, or where I am." — Fisher, to Barr (and Fisher)
“Carrie used to be paid a lot to take work as a screenwriter, and now the only ‘scripts she takes are from her friends’ medicine cabinets.” — Green, to Fisher
Age: "You ladies are like the women's Olympic gymnastics team — tired, overheated, and you don't get your periods anymore. — Schumer, to every other woman present
“Carrie, you are the only celebrity whose action figure is worth more than you are.” — Brady, to Fisher
Politics: "Mitt Romney sent her flowers for making him the second most hated Mormon in the campaign. — Schumer, to Barr
“I feel honored that you and I broke new ground as TV moms who didn’t cook, didn’t clean, and didn’t make any money. In the ’80s, that made you a bad mom, but today it makes you Mitt Romney’s wife.” — Sagal, to Barr
"I really, really like you, but a lot of people hate you, especially Sarah Palin — because you remind her of what Trig’s going to look like when he’s 40.” — Brady, to Ross, referring to Palin's disabled son
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[PHOTO CREDIT: Comedy Central]
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Widening the thematic scope without sacrificing too much of the claustrophobia that made the original 1979 Alien universally spooky Prometheus takes the trophy for this summer's most adult-oriented blockbuster entertainment. The movie will leave your mouth agape for its entire runtime first with its majestic exploration of an alien planet and conjectures on the origins of the human race second with its gross-out body horror that leaves no spilled gut to the imagination. Thin characters feel more like pawns in Scott's sci-fi prequel but stunning visuals shocking turns and grand questions more than make up for the shallow ensemble. "Epic" comes in many forms. Prometheus sports all of them.
Based on their discovery of a series of cave drawings all sharing a similar painted design Elizabeth (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie (Logan Marshall-Green) are recruited by Weyland to head a mission to another planet one they believe holds the answers to the creation of life on Earth. Along for the journey are Vickers (Charlize Theron) the ruthless Weyland proxy Janek (Idris Elba) a blue collar captain a slew of faceless scientists and David (Michael Fassbender) HAL 9000-esque resident android who awakens the crew of spaceship Prometheus when they arrive to their destination. Immediately upon descent there's a discovery: a giant mound that's anything but natural. The crew immediately prepares to scope out the scene zipping up high-tech spacesuits jumping in futuristic humvees and heading out to the site. What they discover are the awe-inspiring creations of another race. What they bring back to the ship is what they realize may kill their own.
The first half of Prometheus could be easily mistaken for Steven Spielberg's Alien a sense of wonder glowing from every frame not too unlike Close Encounters. Scott takes full advantage of his fictional settings and imbues them with a reality that makes them even more tantalizing. He shoots the vistas of space and the alien planet like National Geographic porn and savors the interior moments on board the Prometheus full of hologram maps sleeping pods and do-it-yourself surgery modules with the same attention. Prometheus is beautiful shot in immersive 3D that never dampers Dariusz Wolski's sharp photography. Scott's direction seems less interested in the run-or-die scenario set up in the latter half of the film but the film maintains tension and mood from beginning to end. It all just gets a bit…bloodier.
Jon Spaihts' and Damon Lindelof's script doesn't do the performers any favors shuffling them to and fro between the ship and the alien construction without much room for development. Reveals are shoehorned in without much setup (one involving Theron's Vickers that's shockingly mishandled) but for the most part the ensemble is ready to chomp into the script's bigger picture conceits. Rapace is a physical performer capable of pulling off a grisly scene involving an alien some sharp objects and a painful procedure (sure to be the scene of the blockbuster season. Among the rest of the crew Fassbender's David stands out as the film's revelatory performance delivering a digestible ambiguity to his mechanical man that playfully toys with expectations from his first entrance. The creature effects in Prometheus will wow you but even Fassbender's smallest gesture can send the mind spinning. The power of his smile packs more of a punch than any facehugger.
Much like Lindelof's Lost Prometheus aims to explore the idea of asking questions and seeking answers and on Scott's scale it's a tremendous unexpected ride. A few ideas introduced to spur action fall to the way side in the logic department but with a clear mission and end point Prometheus works as a sweeping sci-fi that doesn't require choppy editing or endless explosions to keep us on the edge of our seats. Prometheus isn't too far off from the Alien xenomorphs: born from existing DNA of another creature the movie breaks out as its own beast. And it's wilder than ever.