We've delved passionately into many adventures over the course of these past few months. Political season spawned the frightful warfare between pack animals (Donkeys Vs. Elephants) and snack foods (Pizza Vs. Burritos). Professional sports tossed us headfirst into a battle between jungle beasts and humanoid behemoths (Tigers Vs. Giants). And the release of the final chapter of The Twilight Saga left us smack dab in the middle of an age-old rivalry of Edwards Vs. Jacobs. But now, what with young Biblo Baggins and his gaggle of friends and foes gracing theaters at long last with The Hobbit, we find ourselves facing another unexpected journey: Trolls Vs. Dwarves.
Yes, our latest foray into the trenches will set us betwixt pop culture's greatest examples of each member of these mythological species. When the feuding forces face off in Middle-earth, we are not quite plagued with the query of whom we might consider the more venerable team. A Troll has at its disposal size, strength, an ostensibly impenetrable epidermis. But a Dwarf! Think of the spirit, the beards, the propensity for musical housekeeping. A close battle this will be, no doubt. And one that we have been delegated with overseeing. Because that's what we do here on the Internet.
And so, let us setting off through the forests, mountains, caverns, and regional theater houses of pop culture to pit against one another those individuals most worthy of adorning these Tolkienian titles. Gather your precious accessories and fire up the rabbit sleigh: it's time for the epic escapade of Trolls Vs. Dwarves.
The Fairy Tale Journey: The Bridge Troll Vs. The Seven Dwarves
Fighting for the Troll Race: The bridge-and-tunnel dweller from the "Three Billy Goats Gruff" children's story
You have my sword, my bow, and...: His insatiable appetite, and a residence that gets Red Hot Chili Peppers stuck in enemies' heads
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: The day-laboring septet of Snow White acclaim
You have my sword, my bow, and...: Their impressive work-ethic, plus a sneeze packed with superhuman inertia
The Victor: The Seven Dwarves, of course. First of all, strength in numbers. Second, they've got Disney money funding their fight.
The '80s Movies Journey: Torok Vs. Willow
Fighting for the Troll Race: The dastardly San Francisco based monster who just wants to be human again from John Carl Buechler's 1986 horror film Troll
You have my sword, my bow, and...: His emerald ring... huh, I guess magical rings and trolls are just naturally coexisting phenomena in fantasy fiction
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Willow Ufgood, the good-hearted warrior who fends off forces of evil to protect an innocent young infant
You have my sword, my bow, and...: His spellbook, courtesy of a wizard as special thanks for being such a devoted bodyguard — also, he's totally cool to watch your kids while you run to the food store real quick
The Victor: Willow. No heart as strong as his can be overtaken by a dark force like Torok.
The Comedic Journey: Danny DeVito's Tolling Troll Vs. Tim Conway's Dorf
Fighting for the Troll Race: Danny DeVito's wretched, beaked creature, charged with keeping prisoner the "baby boy" who would eventually slay the Night Man and win the heart of a coffee shop princess
You have my sword, my bow, and...: His wicked occupancy of the boy's hole soul, and a bounty of toll money
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Tim Conway's jack of all trades character Dorf, of such films as Dorf on Golf, Dorf Goes Fishing, and Dorf and the First Games of Mount Olympus
You have my sword, my bow, and...: His knack for bestowing knowledge about some of life's great mysteries unto the viewing public
The Victor: Danny DeVito wins this battle, thanks in part because he's "got a guy" for this sort of thing
The Cyberspace Journey: Internet Trolls Vs. The "PYGMIES + DWARFS" Argument
Fighting for the Troll Race: The notorious subspecies that haunts Reddit message boards.
You have my sword, my bow, and...: Their tenacity for ruining intelligent conversations about pop culture phenomena
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: The controversial "PYGMIES + DWARFS" Argument that spawned on the famed science blog Pharyngula between host PZ Myers and Bible literalist Jim Pinkoski
You have my sword, my bow, and...: Its mind-blowing absurdity
The Victor: "PYGMIES VS. DWARFS." The whole ordeal might be divisive, but everyone hates Internet trolls.
The Really Cold Places Journey: The Troll Ski Resort Vs. Eris, the Dwarf Planet
Fighting for the Troll Race: The lovely vacation spot of the Troll Ski Resort, located in snowy British Columbia!
You have my sword, my bow, and...: It's challenging slopes and piping hot cocoa
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Eris, the dwarf planet floating outside of Neptune's orbit
You have my sword, my bow, and...: The fact that it's almost freakin' planet
The Victor: Eris, because it has an actual gravitational pull. Although I hear the TSR is divine.
The Musical Journey: Troll (the band) Vs. Dwarves (also a band)
Fighting for the Troll Race: A band. They're called Troll. I have never heard of them.
You have my sword, my bow, and...: Their black metal.
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Dwarves, another band. I also don't know them. I'm sorry.
You have my sword, my bow, and...: Their American punk!
The Victor: Trolls. I find their music more frightening.
The Ultimate Journey: Troll Dolls Vs. Tyrion Lannister
Fighting for the Troll Race: Those horrifying dolls that hypnotized American youths into thinking they were awesome back in the '60s
You have my sword, my bow, and...: Their mortifying profit margins
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Tyrion Lannister, Peter Dinklage's fan favorite antihero on Game of Thrones
You have my sword, my bow, and...: His Emmy
The Victor: Tyrion Lannister, and I'm sure no one is going to argue with me there (people love that dude).
We might have lost a couple of Dwarves in this treacherous crusade, but the Trolls' wrath was duly quelled. The Dwarves, the force of good in The Hobbit (and almost everywhere else, it seems!) will always prevail. Head on out to theaters to see them take down a few nasty Trolls in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey!
[Photo Credit: Warner Bros.]
Remember All the 'Hobbit' Dwarves with This Mnemonic Device
What Your Favorite Troll Says About You
'The Hobbit': What the Heck is a 'Warg?' Middle Earth Vocabulary For Non-Nerds
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Is it just me, or does today kind of feel like Christmas Eve? Well, it may just be me, but that’s because tonight the Community episode we’ve been hearing about for months will finally air on NBC: the stop-motion Christmas special. Instead of opening presents and sipping hot cocoa with Mom and Dad, tonight will see me and my roommate plopped patiently in front of our TV wearing flannel pajama pants and cupping Irish coffees while we giddily await the Burl Ives-inspired antics of the Community ensemble.
In case you’re as antsy for tonight’s episode as I am – or perhaps my over-enthusiasm has just raised your curiosity enough to want to know what I’m raving about – there are a few online exclusive videos from Community cast members Donald Glover, Ken Jeong, and Alison Brie to tide you over. It's kind of like that shameful peek at your Christmas presents that weren't hidden as cleverly as your mom had hoped. (Sorry, Mom.)
Here, the very talented and not-so humble Donald Glover talks about how “very handsome” his “Troy soldier” is and shares with us the secret of Chevy Chase.
It wouldn’t be a Community special without Chang. Ken Jeong explains how to make a snowman look like him and expresses his love for the shower-less life of voiceover actors.
Alison Brie may look like a storybook character, but if you’ve read this personal account, you’d put that notion to rest pretty quickly. The actress manages to keep it in her pants as she shares her excitement over the Toyland element of tonight’s episode and she finally says something about the GIANT puppet eyes.
This weekend sees Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 BC enter theaters in the same frame that last year saw 300 pull in a $70.9 million weekend. Estimates for BC are that it will hit somewhere between $30 and $40 million.
The prehistoric action movie stars Steven Strait as an early man who shares the planet with woolly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers and a lost civilization that has conducted a raid on his tribe.
If the movie hits over $40 million it would represent a big win for Warner Bros., says Variety. Only three films have opened to more than $40 million in March: 300, Ice Age: The Meltdown and Ice Age; (the latter two also featuring a woolly mammoth).
10,000 BC has very strong Total Awareness of 83%, compared to a nearly-identical 82% for 300 last year, but this year’s entry rated PG-13 compared to 300’s strong R, notes Fantasy Moguls.
Disney, meanwhile, unveils College Road Trip, about a dad (Martin Lawrence) who takes his daughter (Raven-Symone) on a road trip to visit prospective colleges.
Lawrence’s Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins opened last month to $16.2 million. But, says The Hollywood Reporter, it's Raven-Symone who's probably the real draw. A mainstay of successful Disney Channel series like That's So Raven, she'll attract younger girls, who should ensure that the film possibly pushes toward the $20 million neighborhood.
The Bank Job, starring Jason Statham and directed by Roger Donaldson, also opens this weekend with a view to lifting something north of $6 million.
Focus Features’ Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, will open in limited release as will Sony Pictures Classics’ Married Life and Warner Independent Pictures' Snow Angels.
After four weekends in which the box office couldn't match the comparable weekend in 2007, overall business should see a return to life given the mix of movies in play, notes THR. But without the punch of a 300, the frame probably won't be able to match last year's weekend for sheer heft.
Documentary examining the world of the Siberian tiger. Russian and American scientists are observed as they attempt to preserve the species of which only about 300 still exist, living in far eastern Russia.