Welcome to Hollywood.com’s Insomniac’s Guide to television, where we bring you our guide to strange, dark underbelly of television that is after-11 programming. So if you’re a night owl, or just want to set your TiVo, check out our recommendations for the week. But there’s no guarantee that these shows will look as good by the light of day.
Monday Night 7/26
Black Sheep - 1:30 on MoMax
Get ready for the violence of the lambs. Black Sheep, the first and only horror film about that most vicious of man’s foodstuffs, the sheep, is on TV tonight. The New Zealand spoof follows one farm’s desperate attempt to survive after horrific scientific experiments turn their sheep deadly. You may laugh, but sheep outnumber people in New Zealand 12 to 1. You might want to arm yourself with mint jelly before sitting down to watch.
Tuesday Night 7/27
Red Dawn - 10:30 on HBO Family
Red Dawn is on the list of 80’s films on their way to becoming unnecessary modern remakes, but there’s no way that a remake can capture the ridiculously out-of-proportion paranoia of the Cold War original. Patrick Swayze, Lea Thompson, Charlie Sheen and Jennifer Grey play valiant American teenagers who must defend their town from the merciless Communist scourge. It’s that kind of movie, with no pretensions towards moderation or realism. Plus, the film’s Guinness World Record level of violence (one violent act every 2.2 minutes, on average), is good fodder for a drinking game (as long as you’re over 21, and realize that you can’t actually do 57 shots in a night.)
Wednesday Night 7/28
Village of the Damned - 12:50 on MoMax
Village of the Damned isn’t one of John Carpenter’s more notable efforts, but it does sport a really unlikely cast of Kirstie Alley, Christopher Reeve and Mark Hamill, who end up in a town full of hostile alien children. So if you ever wanted to see Luke Skywalker and Superman shoot evil kids, this is probably your only chance.
Thursday Night 7/29
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant: “Baby In A Shoe” - 11:30 on guess which channel
Discovery Health has built an entire channel around fulfilling the most basic human needs: the desire to see incredibly stupid people, and the urge to watch crappy dramatic reenactments. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant regularly combines both in all sorts of hilarious ways, and tonight’s episode, the evocatively titled “Baby In A Shoe” is sure to be a masterpiece. I can only hope that the episode climaxes with a rubber baby landing in a rain boot, but a pair of stilettos would be funny, too.
Friday Night 7/30
Not Another Teen Movie - 2:55 on HBO
That unpopular girl may be gorgeous, but she’s got glasses, and a pony tail, and is therefore unfathomably disgusting. Not Another Teen Movie is really silly, yes, but it’s no Epic Movie, and the high school drama cliches it skewers are still around in full force. We’ve just replaced the dramatically raised boom boxes with iPod speakers. Plus, it’s got future Captain America Chris Evans as the generic football jock lead, in case you needed any more reason to be pessimistic about the Captain America movie.
Saturday Night 7/31
South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut - 2:15 on Comedy Central
South Park has been around so long that it’s almost an institution, a right of passage for thousands of teenagers who are just discovering the power of satire and swear words. And what better way to nourish your inner teenager (who really needs nourishment, the guy’s been living on Cheetos for years) than by watching Bigger, Longer and Uncut? There’s nothing quite like a big-budget musical number where every other word is a curse.
Sunday Night 8/1
Predator - 11:00 on G4
Celebrate the release of Predators by watching the Adrien Brody-less original. It’s about as typical an action film as you can possibly watch, except it happens to star a lot of people who got elected to public office. If you want to watch, then you’ve got to get to da choppa by 11 tonight.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a bill to give celebrities
more power to fight back at paparazzi who assault them while in pursuit of
The new law will come into force on Jan. 1, 2006, meaning dangerous
snappers face huge fines if they are found guilty of assaulting a star and may
have to hand over any income from photographs taken during an altercation with
the celebrity in question.
In June, teen singer/actress Lindsay Lohan suffered cuts and bruises
when her car was allegedly run off the road by paparazzo Galo Ramirez. The
photographer was charged with assault with a deadly weapon.
Last month, Reese Witherspoon allegedly witnessed snapper Todd
Wallace assault two Disneyland, California, employees as they attempted to
shield the actress from his "aggressive and frightening" behavior.
The incident took place only a month after the Legally Blonde star discovered
a group of paparazzi who allegedly "besieged" her outside her Los Angeles home
in April would not face criminal charges of false imprisonment.
In August, Scarlett Johansson claimed she was being chased by a
photographer when she crashed her Mercedes car into another vehicle outside
Disneyland. However, JFX Images snapper Mario Toruno denies her allegations,
claiming his behavior had nothing to do with the incident. No criminal charges
were filed in that case.
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A television movie based on the true story of a lawyer's three-year legal investigation into the shooting death of a hospital worker by police officers. The drama explores the issue of when does a police force cross the boundary and violate an individual's civil rights.