This Saturday, Nov. 12 Britney Spears: Femme Fatale will air on Epix, but should you bother to tune in? We got a sneak peek at the special and we’ve got a few ideas. Here are our five reasons to watch this weekend.
6. You’re desperate for even a shred of nostalgia.
We grew up on Britney. We learned to wear sports bras provocatively and sing longingly into the mirror from her music videos. We were introduced to the use of lesbionic kisses as a means to massive publicity. And we learned that doesn’t work so well if you’re Christina Aguilera. The notion that we could have even the sliver of a possibility to walk down memory lane with the woman who defined much of our adolescence is a worthwhile one. You should be warned however, Brit doesn’t really have the same old tricks up her sleeve. A shred of nostalgia is really all you’re going to get.
5. You enjoy terrible 80s movies about Russian terrorists set to pop music.
While Britney changes into her many different costumes, the concert comes with an interesting form of intermission: an ongoing series of encounters with an ambiguously Slavic terrorist hell-bent on capturing Britney for an untold crime – which for lack of an explanation we’ll assume is the awful pair of boots she dons during the whole ordeal. It’s very strange, it doesn’t really make sense with any of her music, but it does allow her an excuse to travel to a different land every few songs. We see an ambiguous Egypt/India hybrid, London as drawn by a salty biker gang, and even laser-ific Tokyo by the end of the show. And we never really understand any of it.
4. You wish you could live at the Jersey Shore forever.
Britney has gone from rosy-cheeked pop princess to a dub-step dominatrix – well, I guess she’s a little light on the actual domination part, but boy can she pretend like the best of them. Her latest musical offerings would be more at home at Karma than a high school dance, and the show she delivers onstage is no different. It comes complete with a proliferation of patent leather and unflattering hemlines as well as some behaviors most people only let happen when they’re three sheets to the wind – and those they often try to forget the next morning. Note to Britney: kidnapping a member of the audience and subjecting them to an awkward lap dance is a move even Snooki wouldn’t pull.
3. You’re a fan of unsupportive undergarments as outer garments.
Oh, Britney. We know you’ll probably never learn to dress yourself in a flattering manner, but you’d think you might be able to hire a decent costume designer. You’d think that there would be a few folks around you who’d have the decency to design costumes that show off how amazing you look after having two kids and multiple mental breakdowns instead putting you in costumes that force us to compare you to your vibrant 18 year-old self. And you’d think that if they couldn’t design something nice for you, they’d at least give you a bra that holds your girls in place – even Katy Perry knows the value of strapping those babies in.
2. You didn’t like the original versions of BritBrit’s hit songs.
I hope this is true for you, because the songs we know and love are nowhere to be found. Well, they’re there…sort of. Sure, those are the lyrics to “Toxic,” but where is the familiar bump and swing of the irresistible pop song? Banished by a new techno arrangement that renders the tune almost unrecognizable. But wait, isn’t this “If U Seek Amy?” Well, it used to be before the new arrangement threw in trombones and a slower tempo. It’s almost infuriating; the reason we want to see Britney is to see the pop star we know and love singing songs we know and love. And if the arrangements were interesting or well done, I wouldn’t be complaining, but instead it seems to be a case of breaking the if-it-ain’t-broke-don’t-fix-it rule. And man, I wish they hadn’t tried to “fix” it.
1. You’re going to watch it anyway.
You’re just like me. You knew most of this list before you even knew this concert special existed – except for maybe the terrorist video element, because I don’t think anyone saw that coming. You knew you were headed for disappointment, but it’s Britney. You have to watch. Your slumber parties at age 13 spent singing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” into your best friend’s Scunci sparkly pink comb command it. You’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, but you’ll have to tune in. Your pimply, adolescent self said you’d love Britney forever no matter what; and part of you still believes that. Go ahead. Set the DVR. No one’s judging you.