Our favorite fright fest, American Horror Story, has more twists and turns than a game of cat’s cradle in a wind storm. But it’s still made of slightly predictable tropes, some cribbed from traditional genre fare and some all of it’s own. Here’s an accounting of what happened in last night’s episode based on the scariest thing of all: math. The spoiler-phobic should beware.Dead Bodies: 6 (zombies, Sister Mary Eunice, Dr. Arden)
Times a Person Was Spanked/Slapped/Hit: 8 (restarting his heart, slapping Kit, throwing Sister Mary against he wall, kicking Dr. Arden, the Monsignor against the bannister)
Times We Had to Listen to “Dominique” by the Singing Nun: 0
Times We Had to Listen to “Judy Judy Bo Bootie:“ 1
On a Scale of One to a Million How Awesome Was That: 1,000,001
Cigarettes Smoked: 2
Loaves of Bread Kneaded: 3
Sister Jude’s Freakouts: 3 (avoiding electroshock therapy, on the juke box, when Mother Superior visits)
Shots of that Creepy Crawly Bug Microchip Thing: 0
Aliens: 2 (Grace’s baby and Pepper)
Consecutive Weeks with an Escape Attempt: 10
Successful Escape Attempts: 1 (Bad Santa)
Sex Acts: 1 (Sister Mary Eunice and the Monsignor, which was kind of rape)
Flashbacks/Backstories: 1 (The Name Game)
Butts: 0
Adam Levine Sightings: 0
Consecutive Weeks Without the Modern Story: 4
Unsanitary Medical Procedures:
Bad Boston Accents: 2 (the guard who keeps saying “open the daw”, another awful gaurd)
Uses of the Word “Pinhead”: 1
Times We Saw That Amazing Francis Conroy as the Angel of Death: 2
Serial Killers Released from Storage Closets without Any Explanation Given: 1 (Dr. Thredson)
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: FX]
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