It’s been many moons since we last got our fix of the Big Bad B. When we left off, June was emotional Sacagawea-ing through Chloe’s family’s Thanksgiving dinner (in a wheelchair, no less), and Dawson was harshly doling out food at a fancy volunteer soup kitchen. It was a holiday where no one was thankful, no one gave kisses, and, in fact, our key players grew more selfish. Each and every one of them. It was glorious, and this week’s episode kept in stride.
We started off with a flashback, but of course! June was just named one of the top analysts at some goatee-style company, and she was as gleeful as creepy naked neighbor Eli on a humid day. But she didn’t get there easily, we found out – and it had to do with pouring liquid on Cruela’s face, or something. But more on that later.
See, the B thought June had a big problem. Every time she’d come back into their apartment, June was being all gluttonous, eating three meals a day. Gross. Not to mention her sagging boobs. Gross-gross. Meanwhile, June was secretly watching her psychotic roommate closer than ever, and noticed a few red flags of her own. One being the constant partying and drinking and slutty tops and dirty hair. So, they each decided to have an intervention of sorts for one another. It all seemed mature, really. June was going to get off her ass and try to get a new job (with her face). And Chloe… well, she was just going to continue on her merry cocktail way.
The frenemies hit the town in trashy bedazzled dresses and attempted to pick up finance dudes at some d-bagery happy hour joint. June tried to talk to a few in her best get-me-a-job-I’m-cute voice, but to no avail. So, she split. She gave up in moments – as non-New Yorkers do – and turned around to head home to what could only be a half-eaten pizza. Chloe, on the other hand, had no problem luring in balding tools in suits. There was talk of Candy Land and Monopoly and other miscellaneous board games until the B ended up straddling a suit while holding a knife on the floor of the bar’s kitchen. It’s called “networking,” she explained.
And it worked! Chloe got June an interview. She did it! Being a slut really does get you ahead! Her lover, “Trey,” was so smitten with her, he called his dad (the boss) to interview June. And he gave her the job right on the spot – granted Chloe continue to bone his son. Only problem: “Trey” wasn’t exactly… together. He was… slow. You see, he had a head injury and therefore couldn’t communicate. Period. Something was fishy, and no one in the room liked it. June ran home to get to the bottom of it, and Dawson informed her that, yes, Chloe occasionally gets fooled by “martini goggles.” It has always been a problem for the B, and for the rest of us. But for June, this was her chance at freedom.
The only thing getting in June’s way was Chloe’s sobriety – which, luckily, is something hardly ever seen. But still, she needed Chloe to stay sloshed at all times so that she wouldn’t find out the hunk she thought she was bending over backwards for (literally) had some sort of bizarre disability. So, June did the only thing anyone would do in this situation: she roofied her roommate. Chloe became “party girl” instantly, and the charade of “Trey” lived on.
But all demented good things must come to an end, as they say. Flash-forward to the opening scene where June was being congratulated. Chloe appeared from the Devil’s mouth and waltzed right up to “Trey,” sober, and planted a wet one on his unaware mouth. A confused June didn’t know what to say. Turns out, Dawson filled Chloe in on her martini goggles. And you know what? She didn’t care at all. Not one bit. Hell, she was just happy to have gotten laid.
As for Dawson, he had quite the bumpy ride. You see, he was going to be on Dancing With the Stars! Okay, so not officially, but you know, for the sake of this fiction-meets-reality sitcom. He was giddy as ever when he sashayed into the B’s apartment, flaunting Flamenco shoes and an eye sparkle. It was like the time he so proudly sported cargo pants and flannel in, well, every episode of Dawson’s Creek. He even started bonding with June’s mom via Skype over all the dancers and how he’d get ahead during the season. No. 1: get a catchphrase (“James likey!” was the frontrunner). But things didn’t go as he expected. When Dawson found out his partner was a notorious failure, he nearly burst into tears. He needed to get out of this mess if he wanted a chance at winning DWTS. Luckily, June’s mom had a plan. A plan to rid his fool of a partner for good. Let’s just say, a call was made, and all was right in the world again.
[Image Credit: ABC]
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