The room grows silent. The judgmental eyes tear through you as the only sound you can recognize is your own escalating heartbeat. “Wait,” someone finally says, marking the first occurrence of human dialogue since your halting admission. “What do you mean you’ve never seen Arrested development?”
Yes, it’s a harsh world for those of you out there who have yet to explore the comedic stylings of the Bluth family. It might not be that you have any sort of diapproval of the Mitch Hurwitz comedy; it’s just that you haven’t gotten around to that story of a wealthy family who lost everything just yet. But soon! … Right after you tackle The Wire. And maybe that last season of Perfect Strangers that you’ve never gotten around to. But until then, you want to avoid these sorts of awkward situations, this harsh ostracism from all those Arrested fanatics you seem to find yourself surrounded by every weekend. What you need is a cheat sheet: things to say to trick these people into believing you’re one of them. Don’t worry — we’ve got you covered.
“THERE’S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND.”
Appropriate for situations during which fiscal uncertainty is being vocalized as a pressing issue.
To be shouted whenever anyone, for any reason, touches you. Or anyone else. It’s a strict rule.
“YOU’VE GOT A STEW GOING.”
An offhand suggestion whenever someone opts to discard of leftovers rather than saving them for a supplementary meal.
“WE SHAN’T BE TELLING YOUR MOTHER ABOUT THIS, SHAN’T WE?”
A request to be made to any parties who happen to witness your accidental destruction of someone else’s property (or any other regrettable act, really).
Repeat this instantly whenever anyone else in your immediate vicinity says it.
“I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION AND I WON’T RESPOND TO IT.”
An ingeniously acerbic way to deal with any Inquery that you’d rather not actually answer.
“LOOK AT BANNER, MICHAEL!”
Exlcaim gleefully whenever you want somebody to revel in whatever half-hearted craft or creation you have unimpressively mustered.
To be shouted whenever anyone dares to insinuate any disrespect toward your obviously expesnsive formal wear.
Whenever one of your friends or family members expresses affection for a new romantic partner, showcase your disapproval with this grimacing question (regardless of gender).
“I JUST BLUE MYSELF.”
There’s never actually a contextually appropriate time to say this.