Holy moly, what a Whopper™ of an episode! On Monday’s episode of Bachelor Pad, I think we were finally treated to the long-awaited “Most Shocking Rose Ceremony in Bachelor History.” Those last ten minutes were killer. But we can’t skip right to the end, we’ve got some important ground to cover first. Starting with a tea party.
(Well, to be accurate, we actually start with a how lot of b****ing and moaning about last week’s rose ceremony. Wah wah wah, Chris feels betrayed. To make sure everyone knows that he is not pleased about Blakely’s continued presence in the mansion, Chris dons his sad gray hood of sulkiness. But I’m sick of Chris and I’m sick of rehashing old drama, so in protest I’m going to skip ahead to the much more interesting tea party dash.)
The challenge this week is called The Great Fall of China. I could write an entire five paragraph essay about the nuances of this name, but instead I’ll just make a couple observations. 1) It’s so punny! Because it’s referring to china (with a lowercase “c”) as in dishes, not the country! Get it?! and 2) This is vaguely racist? I know “fall” rhymes with “wall,” which makes the wordplay semi-clever and aurally pleasing, but do we really want to invoke the destruction of a world economic power?
But I digress. For the challenge, the contestants have to race while holding a stack of tea cups and saucers balanced precariously on a tray. You drop the dishes, you have to start from the beginning. This challenge seems to be tailor-made for Blakeley, who finds herself giddily exclaiming, “I’m so excited I was a waitress for 13 years!” Oh honey, that’s not really a sentence you ever want to have to say. Case in point, Chris’ retort: “Obviously this is an advantage for the girl that worked at Hooters for the past 35 years.” Ouch. But also true.
Thanks goodness for Blakeley’s pride, she wins the challenge. Her new partner Tony (oh yeah, this is the part I skipped at the beginning, Blakeley kicked whiney Chris to the curb and latched onto a new life partner) also wins. The two decide to go on a date with one another, which frees the second date up for love birds Kalon and Lindzi. Chris Harrison tells Blakeley she can choose the “evening date” or the “overnight date” for her alone time with Tony. Without missing a beat — and somewhat salivating as visions of helicopters and Vegas, or maybe Vail, dance in her head — Blakeley picks the overnight date.
But as soon as the date card arrives for Kalon and Lindzi, accompanied by a box of diamonds and keys to a Bentley, Blakeley’s mirth turns to misery. She wants the overly large earrings for her overly large face! She wants the fancy new car! She wants a golden goose! Instead, she gets Tony.
Kalon and Lindzi’s date is, surprisingly, sweet. Sure, Lindzi needs a lesson in makeup application (and a hairbrush), but I almost forget all of that as Kalon professes his near-love for her under a gaudy chandelier on a deserted highway bridge. “Lindzi gets me and allows me to be the man that I am,” Kalon says. Funny thing is, I believe him.
Back at the mansion, sulky scheming Chris is doing what he does best: sulking and scheming. It’s mostly redundant and boring, so we’re moving on.
It’s time for Blakeley and Tony’s sure-to-be-awkward overnight date. Hey, do you remember that great love story about the Blubbering Dad and the Ancient Hooters Waitress? Neither do I. The date card comes and says something nice and vaguely poetic about spending the night under the stars. Obviously they’re going camping. Blakeley, however, starts hyperventilating and muttering incoherently about helicopters. Even when they see a Jeep in their driveway, pigtail-wearing Blakeley is blathering on about yachts and helicopters and luxurious beds. Dude, you’re going camping.
At last, Blakeley and Tony arrive at their final destination. And it is … a campsite. Blakeley is surprised. Tony was replaced with his wax figure from two weeks ago and, therefore, is incapable of showing emotion. The camping date goes from an alone-in-the-corner-of-a-cocktail-party level of awkward to an unbearable walking-in-on-your-parents-mid-“love-making” degree of unwatchable as they discuss their budding feelings over a grilled steak. Then, things get even worse as Tony turns on the Jeep’s radio — it is miraculously playing that terrible “love don’t come easy” song forced upon us by country singer slash villain Wes Hayden, of Jillian Harris’ season of The Bachelorette — and he and Blakeley dance cheek-to-cheek. But there’s no kissing. Oh wait! I think I saw one! I think I saw a kiss! I can’t be sure though, I’m too distracted by Tony’s eyelashes. Dude, who makes your mascara?
Back at the mansion (part two), Michael has set up a petite date for his petite amie, Rachel. They cuddle and canoodle under a blanket and then sneak away to the baby-making room for some real quality time. It’s all completely adorable.
Following the least watchable date of all time, Tony must award one lucky lady with a rose. He gives it to Jaclyn. She can sure use the cheering up that comes with that rose right about now, too, because Ed is telling Chris Harrison that he has no romantic feelings for Jaclyn, even though they totally sleep in the same bed every night.
And now, ladies and ladies, we have reached the mega-twist. This week voting will not be guys vs girls. Instead, everyone votes for the woman they want to send home. Then, said woman gets to choose any guy she wants to go down in flames with her. Let the psychological warfare begin!
Mastermind Michael immediately puts a plan in motion. Here it is: “The Alliance” (unclear who is actually part of said alliance, but I’m pretty sure it’s not Great Britain and Russia) is worried that if they send Sarah home like they originally planned she’ll send Michael home in order to keep Chris in the game and eliminate the biggest threat to her victory in one fell swoop. So, they all decide to vote Erica off the island. But, and here’s where things get tricky, they have to do so in a way that makes her think it was Chris’ idea for her to go. Thus, she’ll save Michael and send Chris home. Do you follow? It really would be easier if I could draw a diagram.
Anyway, things are going accordingly to plan until Chris suddenly sprouts a brain. He puts two-and-two together and realizes Michael has set him up. To win back Erica’s trust, he takes her into the deliberation room with him. A part of me immediately thinks, “Is that against the rules?” And then I remember that thre are no rules. Erica watches Chris vote Lindzi, and not herself, out of the mansion. Michael is f***ed.
Chris Harrison calls the names:
Erica is going home. The question remains, who will go with her? After an inappropriate and misguided speech about honesty and deceit, Erica “defends justice” by deciding to take Michael down with her. She then continues to spew venom about Michael’s past relationship with Holly, while Michael’s new lady love Rachel cries in the background. Luckily for Rachel, she’s a pretty crier. For a split second it seems like Rachel is going to leave along with Michael, but he convinces her to stay.
So, the moral of the story is that Michael — practically the only reason this show is worth watching — has been eliminated, and Chris — Objectively The Worst — is still around. I’m calling it now: The rest of this season is going to suck.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]