If Monday night’s episode of Bachelor Pad has taught me anything, it’s that there’s nothing more uncomfortable to watch than a bad case of unrequited puppy love. And, unfortunately for me (and for the drooling puppies in the mansion), there was enough of that to fuel a seventh grade Valentine’s Day dance. The main culprit: Jamie. This episode should be called “The One That Makes Me Want to Smother Jamie With a Pillow.”
The curtain rises on this episode before the smell of last week’s departing limos’ exhaust has fully dispersed from the mansion’s driveway, and if you listen closely you can still hear Reid’s sobs. Wounds from the night’s rose ceremony are still fresh, but Chris Harrison is on call to rub a little salt in them. No sleep for you yet, kids, you’ve got some Burn Book-quality surveys to fill out in anticipation of the next day’s competition. Bravo, producers, for choosing to make the crazy kids fill out the soul-withering surveys when they are tired and drunk. I know that’s when I make my best life choices.
As we cut to commercial I hear one lone bachelor cry out, “What kind of sick joke is this?” I ask again, have you not watched this show? They did the same exact challenge last season.
After an alcohol-induced slumber, the Padres are ready for this week’s challenge. It’s a game show! Based on the previous night’s survey responses! The kids will be forced to answer Bachelor-related trivia (“Who was the British Bachelor?”) and questions based on the godforsaken survey. Who said that Erica was fat? Who said that Jaclyn was fake? Is Jamie crying again? (Yes, yes she is.) After what one can only imagine was minutes of intense play, Ed and Jaclyn are crowned victorious. They get roses, and one-on-one dates. Things are gettin’ serious.
Jaclyn’s date is first, and she picks Ed to join her. At this point, the simpering puppy within Jaclyn begins to emerge. She thinks Ed is so dreamy and their date to Dodger’s Stadium is so perfect. They play catch and eat hot dogs and OMG IS THAT THE KISS CAM HOW DID THEY KNOW WE WERE HERE? Cue fireworks. Jaclyn looks like a blushing, glassy-eyed idiot; Ed looks bored.
The date isn’t entirely without incident, though. Turns out, since Jaclyn chose to bring the other challenge winner with her on the date, Ed has to forfeit his own date. In exchange, they have to choose a different guy to go out on a date. Jaclyn and Ed argue about whether Chris or Kalon is more trustworthy. Are you kidding me? Those guys? Eesh, you two deserve everything that is coming to you.
Back at the mansion, yappy terrier Jamie is throwing herself and Chris, who is saying douchey things like, “All I do is, like, look at her boobs.” Chris, your mom is going to see this. You know who also is going to see this? Emily Maynard. You remember Emily, dontcha Chris? You know, the woman you were in love with like three days ago? I guess in your defense she’s got some pretty big knockers herself. So, she should be …. flattered?
Chris’ classiness issues aside, the following scene ranks among the most awkward things I’ve seen on television. Jamie sidles into bed next to Chris, and the night vision camera reveals the two squirming and wriggling on top of one another fully clothed. And Jamie is talking, talking, talking. I would agree with Chris when he says, “The only way to shut her up is to kiss her,” if the sentiment wasn’t so despicable. Jamie’s voiceovered professions of love make me want to vomit. “He’s so loyal! He’s so hot! He likes me, he really likes me!” No honey, he doesn’t.
When they return from the old ball game, Jaclyn and Ed make the worst decision ever and give Chris the rose. This means Chris gets to go out on a date, and we have to suffer through another Chris-focused segment. Because Chris is as sick of the Blakeley/Jamie/Chris love triangle as the rest of us, he decides to take Sarah on his unearned date. He then begins comparing her to a new car, and I vomit for the second time this episode. (My puke per hour rate is nearing that of a sorority girl at 3:00 am after a trailer trash-themed mixer.)
Jamie and Chris’ date is like an action movie. There’s a car crash, kung fu, an unsatisfactory sex scene, and I leave halfway through to get more snacks and use the bathroom. Their date does pose an interesting question though. Are the contestants always allowed to just “get a room”? Also, how did Chris know to have his credit card and ID in his fluffy bathrobe? This wasn’t staged at. all.
While Jamie and Chris are getting’ down and dirty at the Ramada Inn, it’s business as usual at the mansion — meaning, Jamie and Blakeley are fighting, Jamie is crying, Jamie is waxing poetic about Chris while crying. I’m like 90% sure she actually uses the word “husband” while describing Chris. While he is having sex with some other broad. I can just imagine Jamie watching this with her girlfriends and a bathtub full of Ben & Jerry’s and — you guessed it — crying. Riddle me this: Why would a girl who cries so often wear so much mascara? Plan ahead, will ya?
Also, since Chris didn’t actually earn his sexytimes, Ed gets to choose to which lady he wants to bequeath a rose. After listening to the more pathetic ladies’ snivelings (cough, Jamie and Blakely, cough) he gives the rose to cool girl Rachel. Say what you like, it’s just so obvious that Rachel is going to come out on top in this whole thing.
The next morning, Chris and Sarah roll into the mansion reeking of unmentionables and casually say things like, “I look like s**t.”
As deliberations for the next rose ceremony begin, I have a great idea for this show’s next twist. How about, instead of just sending people home when they get voted off, we put their heads on spikes outside the mansion, Game of Thrones style? Too much?
Also, my brain just processed the fact that on Bachelor Pad the rose ceremony takes place in the driveway. This show just oozes class.
But I digress. Here are the long-awaited rose ceremony results. Chris Harrison calls out:
Which means, Jamie and fanboy David are going home. David the Cutest Leprechaun Of All Time bounds into the limo, sniffs the seats and says, “I feel so lucky to be in the loser limo!” Jamie, meanwhile, uses her last bit of air time to chew out Chris and, in the biggest surprise of the night, cry.
Scenes for next week show Lindzi and Kalon falling in what is so very clearly real, earth shattering, grow old and gray together, love. I can hardly wait.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]