‘The Bachelor’ Recap: A Seoul Mate for Juan Pablo

The Bachelor, Juan PabloABC Television Network

The 13 remaining ladies head to Seoul, South Korea – home of “gangnam style” if you need a cultural touch point. Clare is nervous because she doesn’t own a kimono (wrong country, ace) and the other girls are just pleased as pie.

Group Date 1: Dirty Pop
The date card reads “pop” so the girls get to speculating. Are they “making popcorn?” “Chewing bubble gum?” Oy.  Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat and Nikki are taught some serious k-pop moves (get it now?) by “21,” a girl group as hot as the Spice Girls, according to Juan Pablo’s timely reference. Outfitted in their best Harajuku fashions, the ladies perform with the group at a MALL!  The girls hate on Kat Daddy cause she busts the best moves. At the after-party, Nikki is the next to go pop. “You can’t get what you want by being fake,” she remarks about one of the blondes. Clearly she’s never watched this show before. Then Kat jumps up a few ranks when she tells Juan Pablo that her father was an alcoholic who never paid child support which is Latin music to his ears. Later, Elise breaks the cardinal Bachelor rule by squealing to Pabs about how Nikki will be an unfit mother. Silly little rat. You just signed your death certificate. Even so, JP does ask Nikki how she feels about kids. Her response? “I’m great at changing diapers!” And that ladies and gentleman gets her the group date rose.

The Date with Sharleen a.k.a Juan Pablo’s favorite (seriously, he said that):
The two embark on your classic foreign market escapade. The one where she wears her coolest high-waisted shorts with tights and together they mock the local culture while pointing out all the icky indigenous foods. “I would absolutely love to fall in love, but I don’t know if he’s the one for me,” she contemplates while eyeing a pig snout.

Next they’re on to a tea house where Sharleen whispers sweet nothings to Juan Pablo like “you’re not bland.” And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Miss “I don’t want the early stages of my relationship to have anything to do with the fact that I’m an opera singer” belts for her supper. After the awkward serenade, the dominatrix and the out-of-shape soccer star make out. “We have so much in common,” he says. I guess he means because she once lived in Germany and he can barely speak English? Here’s one thing they don’t agree on: Sharleen has no interest in kids. She gets a rose anyway for her “honesty” (read: Juan Pablo wants to have lots of “classy” sex with her).

The Worst Group Date Ever:
The outing kicks off with some sober karaoke in what appears to be a Victorian doll house, followed by a trip to a “spa” where the ladies plunge their feet into a bath of fish hungry for their dead skin cells. Next up, the women are force-fed fried octopus. Clare freaks out beause she’s obviously never been to an Italian resturant before. “I know she’s swallowed bigger things than that,” Kelly says. I have no idea what that means but I’m pretty sure it’s about boy parts. 

At the cocktail party, Juan Pablo becomes a born-again kissing virgin. Though he’s smooched six chicks, he decided that kissing a 7th would set a bad example for his daughter (she’s really good at math). He rejects Rene (who is a consummate pro) and Lauren (who loses it). He does however kiss Clare, after shoving a cookie in her mouth because “she’s hot, her teeth … her lips” (his words, not mine). Good on you, girl. Seconds after telling JP you threw up in your mouth and swallowed it back down, he’s still compelled to taste you. Why? Because she initiated the moratorium on kissing last week and girls who play hard to get are irresistible. Why don’t any of these sensible girls seem to get that?

The rose ceremony:
Even the ever-so-dramatic Korean drums can’t save this episode from being the most boring to date. We conclude:

Lauren is booted (no surprise) and so is Elise, because snitches gotta go.

The Chosen Ones:
Rene, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Allison, Clare, and Kat

See you in Nam!