Somewhere in an addendum to the constitution, it is written that there is only one true conquest to find love in the great United States of America: starring on ABC’s hit television series, The Bachelorette. And in this addendum, a list of characteristics defines America’s greatest lover as the truest beauty of all (wo)mankind. She has patience; She creates desire; She’s a world traveler; and, it’s 99.9 percent guaranteed that she has already been rejected by one of ABC’s own (like Sean Lowe or Ben Flajnik or even Jake Pavelka).
Yes, we’re are clearly past the times of Shakespeare‘s Romeo and Juliet. Men no longer need to stand outside of a window to court their love. Now, all they have to do is sign up for reality television, get a handy STD test proving that they are clean, and jump in a limo as it delivers them to the front steps of The Bachelorette mansion alongside 24 other valiant men. And after all that, they have to fight to the death to hopefully win the hand of the fairest lady in America.
ABC will be announcing who America’s fairest lady is Monday night — and here are the girls who are in the running for the gig. And by the way, trying to get the lead role in this show is quite comparable to running a political campaign to become the President, so we came up with the six possible contenders’ campaigns for them.
Meet the Candidates:
Desiree Hartsock, (W) from the 17th District
Political Party: Fiancee Party
Campaign Slogan: It’s time for me to pick out my wedding dress.
Dating Philosophy: Love can be a roller coaster. But as long as I’m in the seat next to you, that’s all that matters.
Life Goals: To find someone who won’t break my heart.
Platform: “If you elect me the next Bachelorette, I promise to show you how a wedding really can be done… without David Tutera‘s help.”
AshLee Frazier, (L) from the 17th District
Political Party: Contemptious Party
Campaign Slogan: I’m always the right one… for you.
Dating Philosophy: “You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.” – Melanie Clark
Life Goals: To adopt all of the orphans around the world and give them a loving home.
Platform: “If you elect me the next Bachelorette, I will prove to you that age doesn’t matter when it comes to falling in love (and starring as The Bachelorette).”
Lesley Murphy, (L) from the 17th District
Political Party: Kissing Party
Campaign Slogan: Kiss me!
Dating Philosophy: Do your lips taste like sugar? Let me see.
Life Goals: To find the one man I want to makeout with for the rest of my life. And to get a small role in House of Cards Season 2.
Platform: “If you elect me the next Bachelorette, I will again beat the world record for the longest makeout session 25 times. Sorry, Sean.”
Lindsay Yenter, (L) from the 17th District
Political Party: Army Wives Party
Campaign Slogan: Lindsay Strong.
Dating Philosophy: I want you! to love me.
Life Goals: Recruiting the most perfect husband that will settle down with me right at this very moment.
Platform: “If you elect me to be the next Bachelorette, I will march on to find love.”
Catherine Giudici, (L) from the 17th District
Political Party: Hippy Party
Campaign Slogan: My life. My love.
Dating Philosophy: Friends first turns into lovers later.
Life Goals: To marry my best friend.
Platform: “If you name me the next Bachelorette, I will give you the most authentic show you have ever seen.”
Ali Fedotowsky, (L) from the 14th District
Political Party: Bachelorette Party
Campaign Slogan: Love fits me comfortably.
Dating Philosophy: The third time is always a charm.
Life Goals: To design a line of wedding sneakers. Sorry, George Banks — yours sucked!
Platform: “If you elect me the next Bachelorette, I will show you that fairytale endings do come true.”
Who do you think will be the next Bachelorette?
Follow Lindsey on Twitter @LDiMat.
[Photo Credit: FayesVision/WENN, ABC(5)]