Let’s not allow Jimmy Kimmel to soil the good name of Friends fan-fiction. Although the late night host’s heavily funded but halfhearted attempt at the time-honored art form warranted few laughs, it did remind us that there are plenty of worthwhile pieces of writing floating around the Internet devoted to the West Village sextet. Some are admirable in quality, others in sheer passion. And some deserve a hat tip simply because of how damn weird they are.
Following Kimmel’s reunion of Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, and Lisa Kudrow, we hit the dark corners of the web to round up the strangest pieces of Friends fan-fiction we could find. Some rearrange the narrative of the beloved show in creative ways, some test the very fabrics of the laws of reality… and some simply vie to be as disturbing as conceivably possible. Take your pick.
“Mondler: The Story of a Survivor” by cvlax14
Or: The one where Richard attacks Monica with a baseball bat and Chandler comes to her rescue.
“‘Mon we really should not be doing this.’
‘I know Chandler, it’s fun sneaking around though.’
‘That is a lot of fun, but what about you and Richard’
‘Richard and I are having problems.’
‘What do you mean Mon’
‘I really shouldn’t he will get mad.’
‘Richard will get mad?’
‘Yes Chandler I have to go I’m sorry.’
Then Monica got up and walked out of my apartment. What is Richard doing to her, I thought. I wonder if Rach knows. So I got up and walked to Rachel’s apartment. She was able to get an apartment two doors down from ours.” [sic] Read the full story here!
“The One with Joey’s Daughter” by friendslover99
“‘You have a daughter?’ asked Monica. ‘Yeah’ Joey replied. ‘and she just moved to the apartment last week’. ‘Wait, isn’t Kate that actress you dated?’ Chandler asked. ‘Yeah. I can’t believe she’s dying’ said Joey. ‘Well, what’s your daughter’s name?’ asked Phoebe.” [sic] Read the full story here!
“Prom Makes a Difference” by KateToast
Or: The one where a teenage Rachel goes to prom with Ross instead of Chip, thus changing the course of their joint romantic journey entirely.
“They neared the Green mansion, as people in the neighborhood called it, since it was so large. Ross felt the all-too familiar flip-flop in his stomach as he and Rachel brushed sides. It had been happening all night, specifically when they had been dancing. He was still slightly in shock that she had agreed to dance with him at all. ‘Well, this is it,’ Rachel said as they reached her door. She looked up at him. ‘This was really nice, Ross. Thank you for bringing me.'” [sic] Read the full story here!
“Ben Becomes a Man” by rachelgreengeller
Or: The one where Ross’ son Ben prepares for his Bar Mitzvah, and employs the help of his father, Chandler, and Joey to find a girlfriend.
“Ben sat in the rabbi’s office as he read the remainder of his lesson. He was soon going to be turning thirteen. According to jewish law, he would become a man, so he would be having his bar mitzvah soon. Ross sat with Carol by his side, his face glowing with pride as his son spoke the ancient Hebrew.” [sic] Read the full story here!
“The One Where Chandler Finally Experiments” by Jana
“Chandler didn’t know how he was going to face his friend in the morning. If he was this uncomfortable, just after having a conversation, he could only imagine how awkward things would be between them if he actually took him up on his offer. It was out of the question. Sex with friends was always a bad idea, anyway. Besides, he wasn’t gay. He never imagined Joey was gay, either.” Read the full story here!
“Neverland” by Melanie Geller
Or: The one where Phoebe’s childhood and mysterious past are imagined through an extended Peter Pan metaphor.
“My stilettos clatter against the sewers I dash out into the street lights, covering my face with my hood. Both Benny and I know I’ll be back, I can’t live without his pills. He can’t live without my money. We both, therefore, cannot live without the men.” Read the full story here!
“TOW the Smurfs” by tini243
Or: The one where everybody talks about Smurfs.
“‘Joey, no one had sex with Smurfette,’ Monica said matter-of-factly. Grinning lewdly Joey replied, ‘See, that’s how bad she needs a Joey smurf.'” [sic] Read the full story here!
“I’m Your Sister” by Hikaro
Or: The one where Ross and Monica have incestuous feelings for one another.
“‘Monica…for the past few days I’ve just been all over the place, unsure of the things I might do. And I know it’s wrong, but I think…I think I want you.’ She was starting to get even more speechless and infuriated by the second. He wants her? Does he not see the huge problem in that?” [sic] Read the full story (at your own risk) here!