The worst thing about Big Brother — my favorite two months obsessing about the social, mating, and grooming habits of a bunch of yahoos — is that all the yahoos insist on using slogans from the Pee-Wee Football League’s book of pep talks. “Go big or go home.” “I’m here to play hard.” Or, in the immortal words of Wig — sorry, I mean Wil (but with his abominable hair that seem to be an appropriate slip) — “The game have begun.” Oh yes, the game certainly have begun, Wig, and last night we got our first two nominees for eviction. Willie Hantz, sister Satan spawn of Survivor villain Russell Hantz, put up Kara (who has differentiated herself by having boobs and hair and nothing else) and Frank (who has differentiated himself by having big hair so that means he is two steps behind Kara) for eviction.
This shows that Willie is going big and that means that, very soon, he will be going home. Willie is only HoH this week because Brittany nominated him, but he seems like the quintessential player that comes out of the gate fighting hard and trying to make too many alliances and strategies. After a few weeks, people will think, “Man, this guy is playing way too hard and is exhausting, let’s get him out of here.” Willie goes and makes a deal with Frank because he is handsome and has that magic hair. It is a coif that was knitted by elves and made with the fallen strands of hair from unicorn tails. Like the blue crown with which Marge Simpson rules the universe, so does Frank’s hair enchant all that look onto it. It makes him the most popular. It makes everyone fall in love with him. Our Sampson, our brand new Sampson. Anyway, because of the magic hair, Willie brings him into the HoH room and makes a deal to go to the end with him. Then he nominates him. Yes, Willie is playing way too hard.
Now, pissing everyone off and making all sorts of deals and side deals and back deals may have worked for Russell on Survivor but it’s never going to work on BB. The difference is that all you need to not get voted out on Survivor is numbers or an immunity idol. Because of the structure of Big Brother it doesn’t matter if you don’t have one ally in the whole damn house, you can still escape eviction by being HoH and making sure someone in the ruling tribe gets voted out. This is a totally different game and needs a more subtle and pliable strategy to make it to the end. So far Willie’s strategy is about as subtle as a piano falling on Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert.
This includes the shocking realization that Willie is related to Russell Hantz, which he lied about even though everyone already figured out because they look more alike than Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen wearing the latest in Amish fashion on a red carpet. This just highlights my very wise colleague Kate Ward’s observation that lying about stupid things on Big Brother