‘Big Brother’ Recap: And the Evicted Houseguest Is…

Big BrotherWhat’s down must come up. And I’m not talking about the vomit stewing in my stomach every time Ashley opens her mouth. No, just as we saw last week, when Frank nearly went from unemployed to even more unemployed, Shane jumped from the chopping block — where he sat earlier this week after producers decided to Free Willie after he proved to be not-so-slick Willie — to this week’s new Head of Household. And, by the looks of things, Shane has put himself in a strong position — not only has he proven to be one of the only good competitors left in the Big Brother house, but his social game has allowed him to get away with hitting on everything with and without legs. And, judging by the fact that he’s managed to rope in two different ladies, it’s no wonder even his puca shell necklace can’t keep away.

But the ladies, men, and enticing bagels in the house best be careful around the new HoH. No matter how addicted they might be to Shane, don’t they know that he’s toxic? First, he aligns with Willie before the lesser Hantz goes Willie-Nilly; then, eviction attention turned to flirtation buddy Danielle, who has since been replaced by a giant bottle of foundation; and, finally, Shane asks to share ham and water with JWOWW spirit animal JoJo, only to watch her walk right out the door Thursday night. Come to think of it, we haven’t seen that necklace in quite some time…

Still, it’s clear all of Shane’s alliances are safe this week, including Danielle, who has the distinction of both being able to fade into beige backgrounds, and for being the Adam of Season 14. In other words, for doing absolutely nothing. Following Dan’s failed attempts to motivate Danielle through abandonment (otherwise known as the Katherine Jackson method), leaving the houseguest to do nothing but Cooper, Danielle simply moped her way into discovering, via Ian, that Shane was “trying to board the Staten Island Ferry” in the Have-Nots room.

NEXT: “He’s becoming emancipated.”

Now, I would like to say that Danielle was smart to bring the information to Janelle and Ashley, the first step into securing JoJo’s exit amongst showmance-wary houseguests. But I simply cannot, considering the following conversation about the lean Shane:

Ashley: “He’s becoming emancipated.”

Danielle: “What’s that mean?”

It’s hard to believe that Ashley would confuse “emaciated,” a word for extreme weight loss, with “emancipated,” a word for the freedom of oppression, and Danielle, who knows neither word, would come out looking like the dumb one. (But she’s a nurse, guys!) Who would have thought Abe Lincoln was such a fan of the South Beach Diet?

Tangent! Am I the only one who thinks underneath the blonde hair, spray tan, and dead stare, Ashley is secretly Season 14’s evil genius who reads The Art of War behind her Cosmo? I have no justification besides hoping that a member of humanity is simply not that dumb, but perhaps this whole world really is turning into a real-life Idiocracy. Now, excuse me while I search the Big Brother feeds for some butts.

Okay, back! Alas, JoJo’s budding romance with Shane did indeed lead to her exit, though she certainly wasn’t blindsided. After all, as Britney noted, JoJo knows all, Audrey, oh, she knows! And JoJo herself addressed her inevitable exit during her final speech, telling the team, “I think you guys are making a mistake.” Surprisingly, she wasn’t talking to those inner voices that dressed her Thursday. (Also: If Big Brother producers are committed to a crime-free house, then they should have also kicked out Danielle’s bridesmaid Pepto-Bismol dress, which was an assault on all our eyes.)

So Danielle is left to third wheel her way into Shane’s graces, even if the HoH was JoJo’s sole vote… and perhaps more. During her chat with Chenbot, JoJo revealed that Shane’s final words to her were “I love you” and “Good luck babe, stay strong, and I believe in you.” Chenbot, the good robot she is, neglected to ask a follow-up question in favor of oiling her servo brackets, and guide the remaining houseguests to a hockey-themed HoH competition that offered one game competitor NBC won’t in the next two weeks: Hockey. I’d go into specifics, but, really, the only thing to note is that Wig clearly perused Pinterest before he entered the Big Brother house.

But! Before we go, Chenbot has revealed this year’s twist: America can vote on whether or not the coaches should join the game. Of course, there is little suspense here since, A) By spotlighting the coaches during the first two weeks, CBS has given viewers no choice but to vote to see Janelle, Britney, Boogie, and Dan in the game, and B) Les Moonves has programmed Chenbot to power dial in support of the coaches’ participation. I also heard Les Moonves loved Phillip Phillips.

Tell me, were you surprised by last night’s elimination — and Shane’s victory? Disappointed we didn’t see what happens when a coach is eliminated? Want to follow Wig on Pinterest? Feel a kinship with JoJo knowing we’re not the only ones who talk to our TVs? Shocked that Chenbot has seen “homeskillet” Juno? Think Joe should get out of the kitchen and Guy Fieri’s ass? Feel not at all surprised knowing Ian was an RA at Tulane? (But surprised that Dr. Will picked him for the win?) And, finally, are you, like me, still laughing over Dr. Will’s comparing Dan to Kermit the Frog-meets-Ryan Seacrest? VOICE IMMODULATION OUT!

Follow Kate on Twitter @HWKateWard

[Image Credit: CBS]


Big Brother Recap: Queso and JoJo

Big Brother Recap: Willie or Won’t He?

Big Brother Recap: Fruit Loops