‘Big Brother’ Recap: Let’s Get Physical

ALTGuys, we really need to talk about hair. This is a season of messed up crazy locks. First of all, we have Frank with his beehive of curls that was made from the the last remaining sunshine from a dying star and littered with faerie magic so that it would make everyone fall in love with him. Then we have Jen’s half-shaved, manic-panicked asymmetrical fail, that looks like a waterfall that is stopped up by a boulder. Don’t forget Janelle’s impenetrable weave that looks like it comes with its own wind machine and she is forever in a photo shoot where the photographer is saying, “Great, but more t*ts. Give us more t*ts!” There is Shane’s thinning faux-hawk that is about three years away from needing to be shaved or hairplugged but three years too late for Propecia. Oh, and let us not forget about Joe, who happens to have a plantinum blonde flavor savor. Yes, the chef has a flavor savor, because it is 1998 and he is in a Ben Affleck movie. Maybe he thinks he is Ben Affleck? Who the hell knows, but if I were in that house, I might slip while I was shaving just so I could hack that unnecessary plumage off his bottom lip.

The hair we really need to talk about, the biggest and baddest of all, is Wig’s hair. Just on a normal day, after being blonderized and flat ironed, Wig’s hair is an awful sight to behold. It’s some kind of Gunner throwback. It’s like he has a collection of Winger albums that he just can’t get rid of and the hairstyle to match. But it’s so much more delicate that that. Wig’s hair is lady hair. And while I’m all for being as crazy and flamboyant as you want, the last thing you want to see with a handsome face and square jaw like Wig’s is your cousin Suzanne’s hairdo from her prom. It’s also nefariously versatile. First, there was the front French braid along his bangs that looked like something you would only find in a bad infomercial for the Topsy Tail. Then, during the coach’s competition, he was wearing a high side pony (with a headband!) like he was Olivia Newton-John’s stand-in in the “Let’s Get Physical” video. No matter what he does with it, it looks bad. I would actually vote Wig out just because of his hair. Honestly, I would. But I can’t because Janelle saved him in the coach’s competition.

So, yes, Shane is HoH and Britney thinks that she is queen bitch, supreme bitch because of it, but little does she know that Shane, her No. 1 player (oopsie, only player), is making devious deals behind her back. First he made a final two deal with his little scratch post Danielle. (She was all, “This is my first final two deal.” Lady, this better be your only final two deal or one of the pair of you did something seriously wrong.) Then he’s continuing his deal with Frank and Boogie, who are attached at the hip like a pair of Siamese twins. (It doesn’t help that they have indistinguishable not-funny T-shirts with messages all over them.) Shane tells Frank he won’t put him up, even though both Britney and Danielle are telling him that he should. Everyone knows that Frank, with his bouffant that is made from the strands pulled out of Rapunzel’s brush and was kissed by the spirit of Princess Diana after she died, is a huge threat and it’s better to get him out of the game. Shane thinks he’s a really good player and will take him far. I think that is a stupid strategy, because you want to win this game, so you should go far in the game with people who are kind of sucky so that you can beat them at every turn.

Shane decides that he wants to put Wig up, because everyone thinks he’s a huge physical threat even though he saunters around the house in a skank tank and briefs all the time. Anyway, it’s time for the coach’s competition and they all come out dressed like they’re Jamie Lee Curtis in Perfect (seriously, Netflix that one) and it’s time to do aerobics to win. Dan decides that he’s finally going to not throw a competition and he goes to the final with Janelle, who beats him and saves Wig. This makes sense because Wig really needs saving. He needs saving from himself. Please, Janelle, have a hair-tervention for this poor soul. Seriously.

The other crazy thing is that Britney needed to put two people on slop and Ian volunteered for the third week in a row. His thinking is that if he keeps picking slop then people won’t want to vote him out. Ian, who has been clinically diagnosed with a rare psychological disorder known as Bonkers, is totally crazy, but this is a sly strategy. I’m sorry, but I think that Ian can take it all the way. The funny thing is, he doesn’t have the backing of his coach. Boogie only has eyes for Frank. Period. When Boogie wins a bunch of cash and has to give it to some people, he would have given it all to Frank if he could, but Frank pointed to the other two of Boogie’s players and he gives them some coin. Ian starts to cry (probably because he’s been on slop for two weeks and he was having a flare-up of Bonkers), but if only he knew the reason he got some $$$ is because Frank passed, he might not feel so teary-eyed.

So, blah blah blah, Shane nominates Joe’s awful flavor savor and Ashley for elimination. Guess waking Shane up from his Carmen Elektra sex dream (does everyone in this house think it is 1998?) with an omelette didn’t really help, Joe. Shane’s rationale is, “Last week, you put up me and JoJo and I want you to see how it feels.” Um, the only problem is no one from Janelle’s team put you up, Shane, it was your boy Frank, who you have given a free ride. This is Boogie and Frank’s master plan and PS, Shane, as soon as the coaches enter the game (and if you didn’t think they would, you’re dumber than Ashley on three Vicodins) you are out and Frank is going to take Boogie all the way. Good job on getting them even closer.

What other stupid things do we need to talk about? Oh, Ashley! She has a dream board. She cuts all the things out of magazines that she wants and she puts them on a cork board over her bed. Do you know it got her an iPhone? She put a picture of a iPhone that she saw Kim Kardashian carrying in an issue of Us Weekly and she put it on her board and she dreamed and dreamed that she would get one and one day, while walking down the street, an iPhone just fell out of a cloud and onto the sidewalk in front of her. She picked it up and looked in the contacts under “Dream” and she pushed Dream’s phone number and called it and said, “Thanks, Dream, for giving me a phone.” Ashley, or Scarecrow, as I’d like to call her, maybe you should put a GED on a the dream board. Just sayin’.

But just as dumb is Danielle. They’re all sitting around the back yard and Jen is talking about being into ladies and her coming out story and all that stuff, which is all sweet and nice, and then Danielle is like, “Now that I know Jen, I’m not afraid of lesbians anymore. I always thought they would all hit on me and whatnot, but they don’t! So I’m safe. YAY!” Oh please, Danielle. First of all, Jen said that she’s really into smart girls, so that means you’re not her type. Also, you are about one pair of Birkenstocks and eight Indigo Girl CDs away from any lesbian even thinking that they have a shot with you. Come on. Do you really think that this is the way the world works? I mean, Wig hasn’t tried to hit on any of the guys yet and Shane is not only hot, but he looks kinda gay too (I mean, the muscles, the fake tan… ). Do you really think that all gay people are so sexually voracious that they try to hit on every attractive member of the same gender around them? Hell no!

As Zingbot says, “If Danielle thought Jen would want to sleep with her, why aren’t they in an alliance? It’s her’s her body and not her game play that’s keeping Shane around.” ZING!

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: CBS]


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