There is no greater feeling in the entire world than taking a nap on the couch. Just letting the soft folds of fabric and cushioning envelop and warm your body as your mind slowly begins to forget about everything that has happened during the day and you are just carted off into a state of restorative bliss. Ahh, a couch nap. Oh Snap! Suddenly Julie Chen’s giant head is on your television waking you up and ordering you around. Holy crap! How awful. It’s like if someone threw a flying screaming monkey at you first thing in the morning and suddenly you’re wrestling with a rabid primate before you’ve even brushed your teeth.
That’s how last night’s Big Brother started, with Julie Chen serving as the screaming monkey and telling all the houseguests that they were going to eliminate someone a day early. And the poor crew. Dan was asleep on the couch, Ian was upstairs having some “private time” thinking about Ashley in the HoH bedroom, and Shane was doing something that doesn’t involve pants. What a way to catch them! But really the whole thing couldn’t have been that dramatic. They already had the veto competition and they knew who was on the block and probably who everyone was going to vote to keep.
Then we have to watch them duke it out in the Veto competition, which was actually surprisingly difficult and quite genius for BB. The guests had two platforms, one with a button, and one with a magnetized puzzle board. They had to hit the button and it would magnetize the board for 20 seconds so the houseguests could solve it. But, before the 20 seconds was up, they had to push the button again or else the board would demagnetize and they would lose all their work. This was tough. Shockingly, Shane was the only one to figure out that he should put his puzzle pieces in order and then start with the button pushing and putting the puzzle on the board. This was the first smart decision Shane has made since he stopped wearing that pink tank top! He wins the Veto and destroys Dan’s plan to get him out of the game. That was the only smart plan too, because getting rid of the smelly ghost that has whisked around the house for an entire season isn’t going to make things any easier to be a Quack Packer.
OK, now we have to talk about the best part of the whole evening: Shane and Danielle’s trip to visit the U.S. Women’s Gymnastics team. This was so amazing because it was just more incredibly awkward than an sitting down with your best friend after you slept with her boyfriend. It was just crazy. Shanielle (which would be their Us Weekly couple name) have been trapped in that damn house all summer so they haven’t seen the Olympics and have no clue who these girls are. They know they have to be excited, so they’re like, “Wow, this is awesome. You guys must be great. Who are you?” These five famous ladies haven’t had that kind of reaction in quite some time. Meme queen McKayla Maroney twisted up her face and snooted about the place because these yahoos had no idea who they were.
And it flowed in both directions. Shane was like, “Which of us do you like the best?” Shane asked and our little McKayla said, “Oh, you. Because you’re the only ones we’ve seen. We’ve kind of had a busy summer, you know, training and going to London and winning a gold medal and doing media appearances and coming back to a nation of adoring fans and meeting with sponsors and designing our line of workout clothes and posing for our picture on the Corn Flakes box. We don’t really have three days a week to devote to watching reality television programs. And, you know, we’re all a little bit more into Pretty Little Lairs anyway.” Seriously, it was one of the most strangely awkward things I have seen on television in all my years. I loved it more than watching someone stick a landing.
Back in the house, Shane takes himself off the block (duh) and Ian puts up Danielle. This is a really bad move. Now, I know that Dan has everyone in there convinced he’s taking them to the final two, but shouldn’t Ian have figure out that he might be lying to him? Doesn’t he think that the bond between Dan and Danielle might be stronger than the bond between him and Danielle? Also, doesn’t he realize that the only person who could beat him in the final two is the only person in there who has played a better game than he is? That’s Dan. If I were Ian (and thank god I am not because I can’t do long division) I would have nominated Dan and used the “you put me up last week,” excuse. Then I would have convinced Shane that Dan was the only think to keep him from winning the big prize. Then Shane votes against Dan, Danielle throws her vote away on exorcising a ghost, and I (as Ian) break the tie and boot Dan.
But no, that does not happen. Danielle goes up which just solidifies that the Ouija boards that the cast have been using to talk to this red haired ghost are no longer necessary. She blusters out the door, it slams behind her and Chenbot is like “Where is the evicted houseguest? I can’t see her.” “I’m right here, Jooooooollliiiieeeee. OOOoooooooOOOoohhhhhhh.”
Now it is time for the HoH competition where they have to answer true or false questions about a series of pictures they were shown earlier. It’s a shockingly tight race and I somehow find myself rooting for Dan. No, self, do not root for Dan. He has already won. Root for Ian. Well, Ian doesn’t win the HoH because he can’t play. After a tiebreaker, Danielle wins. So, who is she going to put up? It doesn’t matter. Ian is going up for sure and if he doesn’t win the veto, I think he’s going home. I mean, this week entirely depends on who wins the veto. If Danielle puts Ian and Shane on the block (which I think is likely) and Ian wins the Veto, he takes himself off the block and Dan goes up. Then Ian is the only person casting the vote, so he determines who goes home. The only way the veto winner doesn’t decide who goes home is if Danielle wins, but then she still kind of does, because whoever she didn’t nominate gets to vote, so she’s still deciding. Yes, it’s all up to the Veto. Let’s hope Ian can pull it out. #TeamIan!
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: CBS]