‘Big Brother’ Recap: O Captain, My (God!) Captain!

ALTThursday night’s Big Brother started off like any other eviction night. The cards were in the Head of Household’s favor. The odd man out was dressed in his Sunday’s (or should it be Thursday’s?) best, all but certainly about to be sent out the door. The mood in the house was calm, the air peaceful without Jenn’s angry stomping and Joe’s nonsensically screams about grits being as juicy as the corners of Guy Fieri’s mouth after a double cheeseburger. Things were normal, as boring as the homework that awaited Ian on his way home. This would be, for once during Season 14 of Big Brother, a predictable episode.

But, soon after the opening moments of the episode, it was clear something was amiss. Yes, Quack Pack co-founder Ian all seemed poised to kick himself in the head for not winning a Veto competition tailor-made for him, but we felt a force in the Big Brother universe. A strikingly unfamiliar presence. What was that? It took a few minutes to figure it out — new furniture in the house? No. A new, vaguely racist ninja bandana for Dan? No. Suddenly, it hit us: Chenbot was titillated.

That’s right, titillated. She knew then why we cry watching hours of Big Brother After Dark, wishing we were too inside the house. She felt something that wasn’t even envy or hungry. No, Chenbot — made of steel, metal, and various pieces from Les Moonves’ kitchen — was unmistakably excited. And that could only mean one thing: Machine Rebellion Something was most definitely not going to go according to plan.

Which most certainly meant that Dan was yet again going to school his student. In fact, Big Brother teased the coach’s big move in the jury house, showcasing Frank and Britney’s argument about Dan’s actions in the home. Britney, whose brain and sense of perspective is as big as her giant doll eyes, fought with Frank about Dan’s game, which, at this point, largely consists of back-stabbing and lying: “This isn’t a game of morals and integrity … That’s a different game if you want to play Suzie High Horse.” Unfortunately, Suzie High Horse is the exact type of game that appeals to rodeo clown Frank, who was incensed that Dan swore on his wife that he would not go against his word. Which, of course, is ridiculous, since history teaches us swearing on your significant other, child, or dead grandmother is pretty much the same as swearing on a gallon of slop working its way through Big Brother plumbing. Lying is as essential to the Big Brother game as bikinis and shame.

Which is exactly why Dan does, in fact, deserve to win Season 14 of Big Brother. After staging an elaborate scheme weeks back that convinced his biggest enemy to save him, Dan has been on a tear, manipulating anything and everything in sight. (I’m pretty sure he even made a final two deal with the toaster.) Especially his biggest ally, Danielle, who, as holder of the Power of Veto and Head of Household, had absolutely no reason at all to use the power this week, forcing Shane on the block against Ian. But used it she did, after Dan somehow convinced her it would gain Shane’s trust, or keep their two-person alliance from cracking, or… honestly, I actually have no idea why she followed Dan’s advice, unless Dan simply wasn’t the droid she was looking for.

Of course, as much as we can credit Dan’s Jedi-like skills for his successful blindside, we could also credit Shane’s Jed Clampett-like stupidity. It’s hard not to pity the Big Brother’s competition beast, a strong man so sweet, he cried real tears following his eviction. But in what situation can you possibly be convinced that it makes sense for you to go on the block… especially when it makes no sense at all? Who knew Captain America’s shield fended off logic?

So it did make for a delicious moment when Danielle used the Veto on Dan… and watched Dan promptly take out her biggest ally. We saw the face we saw during Dan’s funeral — Danielle’s mouth, dropped open, big enough to fit all of her coach’s lies.

And you thought you had to fix a competition for Ian to get good TV, Big Brother producers. Tsk, tsk.

But perhaps the moment wasn’t as exciting for anyone as for Ian, who paced around the house, enjoying the shocking blindside more than a perfect ScanTron. Still, even if Ian does make the final two, does the man of science have a prayer? Or, more importantly, following his morally questionable game, does Dan? Though he clearly has Britney’s vote, it would be difficult for him to win against his own student, Danielle. If Danielle wants to castrate him after what he did to Shane, I don’t want to know what she’d do if he promised her he was making moves for her own good… before sending her straight out of the house. Still, Season 14 would no doubt be a disappointment should Danielle — a woman who’s biggest move was lying about her profession for no reason whatsoever — end up the victor. So, please, Ian and Dan, for the sake of entertainment, do give Danielle the axe. Just keep it away from Dan’s penis.

Has Season 14 been Big Brother’s best season ever? And has Dan truly cemented his place as Big Brother’s best player ever? Are you Team Britney or Team Frank? Should the show have used Dan’s quote that they “gotta start eating their own ducks” as have-not inspiration? Will Dan really write a book about Danielle — as he told her during his speech — and, if so, what would it be called? Gullible’s Travels? And, finally, would the world crumble in on itself if the bubble-blowing Ashley drew a brain on her inspiration board?Follow Kate on Twitter @HWKateWard

[Image Credit: CBS]


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