‘Big Brother’ Recap: Pleas and Carrots 

ALTBig Brother tends to get a bad rap, particularly among television snobs. It’s nothing more than mindless voyeurism that often rewards terrible people for terrible behavior, they’ll argue. Perhaps. But I defy them, or anyone for that matter, to find another show that can both examine the human condition and feature a man dressed as a carrot fighting with another man who can kick himself in the face. They can’t, because only one show gets those bragging rights: The batsh**t Big Brother, which is it’s undeniably great television.  

Case in point: Things went to hell in a proverbial hand basket when Dan — who totally missed the point of Get Low and used his pre-death funeral for evil — made “the biggest comeback in the history of the game” and finagled his way into getting off the block in the most ingenious, borderline sociopathic mind game ever seen on reality television. And that is really saying something. Dan’s crazy game play, which included making Danielle cry (not a difficult feat, but a brilliant addition to his master plan) worked when Jenn used her Power of Veto to take him off the block and put the beloved Britney up. As Shane hilariously mused in the first intelligent thing he’s said all summer: “Where did Jenn come from?!” (Seriously, who the hell is Jenn? Someone please tell me.) 
Britney should have seen this coming from a mile away. Not just because she has giant doll eyes, but because this exact same thing happened to her before on the show. (More on that in a bit.) She acknowledged to her teammates that she had been a sitting duck in the Quack Pack and Dan was only out for himself. “I only wish it had been his funeral, friends” she said bitterly. Even so, Britney could have a slice of humble pie in addition to Dan’s Famous Arsenic Apple Pie. “I have to give him credit,” she acknowledged, “he came back from the dead.” Then she called him the “worst person in the entire world” and all was right again. Britney may have felt defeated and betrayed by her Quack Pack teammate (“You’re so cold,” she told Dan, later conceding to him, “You’re really good at this”), but no one was as mad as Ian. And you wouldn’t like Ian when he’s angry. Actually, you would because it’s endlessly entertaining to watch the spritely young superfan argue with Frank, who was still dressed like a carrot. it’s even more entertaining to watch Dan descend further and further into the mustache-twisting puppet master villain role as he sits listening to the argument in the other room, laughing to himself at the havoc he hath wrought upon his house. Frank accused Ian of being sneaky and a traitor (especially to Boogie who, as Frank reminded Ian, granted him $3,000), while Ian warned his housemates that they would be fools to let Frank make it to the end. But the damage had already been done and nothing the on-thin-ice Ian could do or say could remedy that and Britney knew it. 
Apparently, so did the Big Brother producers, as they put together something of a hilarious post-moterm video tribute for the soon-to-be-departed houseguest. The clip featured none other than the first set of people that killed her the first time around on the show: The Brigade. Lane, Enzo, Matt, and Hayden, the very Big Brother castmates who conspired against Britney in Season 12, returned to sing her praises for a taped segment. “We did Britney dirty,” they acknowledged. 
But we soon learned that Britney is now an honorary Brigade member. The perks of being a member include not having $500,000 and having fellow Brigade members dress up as your creepy pageant picture on Halloween. While nothing was funnier than Britney’s live, over-the-top eye roll in response to Shane’s lame excuse for why he cried at Dan’s “funeral,” The Brigade’s pre-recorded tirade on her teammates would have made Zingbot proud. Shane wears pink tank tops. ZZZIING. Ian is tiny enough to fit in your fanny pack specifically designated for math problems. ZZZIIING. Danielle is Shane’s personal Amy Fisher. ZZZIIIIIIINNG. (Also, Danielle sort of looks a little bit like Amy Fisher, no?) Dan is a werewolf in sheep’s clothing because he is cunning and has very hairy forearms. ZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNG. 
Back at the Big Brother house, Frank confided with Julie Chen that he simply “had to pull the trigger” on getting Britney out of the house, but that Ian is the next target on his scope. And though Dan came back from the dead this week, Frank’s uneasiness about his mortal enemy could result in a backdooring down the road. Earlier in the episode, Dan pondered how he could possibly top his manipulative funeral speech. If Frank gets him back on the block, I sincerely hopes he figures out what that will be because imagine the utterly insane possibilities. (An actual funeral? Sure, why not!) On the block, Danielle, who had been chained to her cohort Britney for 24 hours, gave a short and sweet plea speech. She knew the speech was simply a technicality, something she had to do. Danielle wasn’t going anywhere and she knew it. And so did Britney, dressed pretty in pink. Hey, why wear black to a wake when you can wear pink? 
Then Brit, who already delivered the best goodbye message of Season 14 when she “called” Boogie to tell him not to let the door hit his ass on the way out, then delivered the best kiss-off of the summer when, after declaring she didn’t have a big enough ego to hold her own funeral (ZZZZZZIIIIIING), she relayed to Dan, “As a very, very old man once said, ‘You’ll always be Judas to me.'” Zing doesn’t cover it. That one was more like ZAAAAAAANG. Now, if there was any justice in this world, she would have been saved based on that speech alone, but sadly, Britney was evicted from the Big Brother house by a vote of 4 to 1, with Ian as her lone remaining supporter. (Interestingly, Joe seemed like he paused for a second contemplating his vote, while Shane, who called the decision “a mindf**k” ultimately sided with Danielle.) 
The true tragedy of Britney’s “fool me once” defeat isn’t that she’s a bad player, it’s that she continues to put her faith and trust in the wrong guys. What girl can’t relate to that? During her exit interview with Chenbot, Britney acknowledged that her allegiance to Ian likely got her the boot and her trust in the “pure genius and evil” Dan was nothing short of an oversight. Now, instead of still playing the game, she’s headed for the jury house. One can only begin to imagine what’s been going on there with Ashley left alone to her devices.
Still, even if Britney’s track record doesn’t have a win, you’ve got to admit the girl knows the game inside and out. She knows the dirty tricks and what can make or break another player. (She astutely pointed out that Frank needs to pump the brakes while Shane needs to step out of the follower role.) Britney may not have been prepared to fight back against Dan, but not even the most seasoned player could have seen that fake funeral switcheroo coming. Britney may not have had a funeral, but Ian promised to avenge her death nevertheless, telling his friend in his goodbye message that he would “get that hairy orange beast.” Of course, Ian will first have to win the “Soak Up the Sun” PoV game in which he and his housemates revolve around a sun that shoots paint at them for arguably the worst spray tan ever. Ashley would never stand for such a thing! 
Is it Sunday yet? Not only to see who emerged the victor in this dizzying challenge, but also it’s going to be glorious to see what “punishment” Joe, who unsurprisingly fell out of the game first, will have to endure from the secret box. Not to mention the fact that next week brings yet another double elimination night. When Chenbot told the Big Brother players “Hold on tight,” we should all really consider that fair warning. TV snobs, you don’t know what you’re missing. 
What did you think of last night’s crazy episode of Big Brother? Is Dan a really evil or really crazy birthday boy or both? Could Britney have done anything to save herself? Is Ian now the biggest target, or wlll Frank and Dan set their sights back on each other? Couldn’t the Mighty Ducks conceivably bring down a tank? C’mon, Brigade, why would that be so hard to believe? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!

[Photo credit: CBS]