A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away on the planet Insultaron, there was a race of people known as the Zings. They were far more technologically advanced than all the neighboring planets because their technology was fueled with the fire of a million red hot suns. Yes, they used the burning red of embarassed faces and the tittering of giggles to run all the engines and fire up all the circuits. In order to perpetuate the free flow of energy from the angry and debased members of its society, they built the Zingbots, electronic creatures with tiny little arms (that were more or less completely ineffective), glistening aerodynamic hulls, and one beady red eye that can find the flaw in any human being and expose it to the world in the meanest, cleverest, ZING!-iest insult to maximize their embarrassment, their anger, and the laughter of others. The bot then snatches up all that extraneous energy and stores it to power the planet of the Zings. When it does this, it makes an indelible noise that sounds something like, “ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!”
Many, many years ago (many cycles of the Zing calendar), the elders of the planet had a plan. They thought that instead of sending the ZingBots roaming aimlessly around the globe insulting everyone in the populace, they could just take 12 people — 12 of their most ridiculous citizens — and put them in a house for an entire summer and let the Zingbot humiliate them over and over. They would put it on television and capture the laughter of the world at these eight people instead of inflicting the scars of harassment on everyone under their dominion. The funny thing is, when they got together in this televised event, the people started humiliating themselves and the viewers started laughing at them, and the Zinbot energy capture modules couldn’t keep up with the overabundance of energy. This caused the whole entire planet to explode and destroyed the great Zing civilization.
But luckily for us, there was one Zingbot that was orbiting the planet at the time and his space shuttle was thrown across space as a result of the explosion of the planet Zing and landed in the back yard of Big Brother executive produce Alison Grodner. When she heard about the Zings she know that she could keep this insulting robot powered up by letting him loose in the BB house once a year. Last night, it was that holiday. Yes, for BB fans it is like Christmas, New Years, and your cousin Timmy’s Bar Mitzvah all rolled up into one day. It is Zingbot day!
The Zingbot went around the house and insulted everyone. Ashley is stupid. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Shane wears pink tank tops. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Britney lost to the Brigade. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Boogie is old. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Ian can’t get laid. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Frank looks like Little Orphan Annie (frankly, I would have gone with Carrot Top or Wendy of fast food fame, personally, but still…). ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! “Danielle, Shane has something to give you when you leave the Big Brother house. A restraining order.” ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Oh, Double ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Oh, Jenn, you’re still here. Whatever. No ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG for you. As for Wig, he didn’t get Zinged. They cut it out of the show for whatever reason (at least as far as I could tell). I think because The Zingbot just said, “And Wig….” and just looked at him and everyone knew exactly what he meant and they all started to laugh and laugh and laugh. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!
Then it was time for the Veto competition. My favorite part is that it wasn’t one of those “Remember what Zingbot said” competitions. It had nothing at all to do with Zingbot, really. He was just there to insult everyone and then hang out and watch them construct some kind of pipe maze that would give him a little zinging son and whoever delivered that baby would win the Power of Veto. Meanwhile all the other contestants made up mean ranks about each other and said ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! “Oh, Shane, you suck at laying pipe. Just ask Danielle.” ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Yes, Frank and Wig and Joe all played since they were up for nomination. Shane and Boogie were also in the competition and Joe chose Ashley because she’s handicapped and he thought he could beat her. No, I’m not talking about her mental capacity (ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!) I’m talking about her bad back, which is keeping her from competing. Oh, there was also a slight rippling in the wind and a little ghost with red hair whose name no one seems to know was also playing. The puzzle pieces were just floating through the air as someone made a, “OOoohhhooooOOooOOOhhhhh….” noise like it was a haunted house. That is what happened.
So Frank finally wins the Veto competition, which seemed to be rather hard (something Boogie can’t get anymore ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!) and everyone goes into a tizzy. Britney and Dan are nervous that Dan is going to go up on the block, and if he does they think that Frank and Boogie have the votes to get him out of the house. Wig, in a desperate attempt to save himself goes upstairs with Ashley and tells Frank he needs to get rid of Dan or they’re going to vote against him, which I would say is a hair-brained scheme because Wig thought it up and brought Ashley, but it’s actually a pretty decent plan.
Frank is determined to use the veto and back door Dan. Britney, afraid something is going on, dispatches Ian, who is loyal to the “Quack Pack” but doesn’t know that his fellow alliance mates have founded the “Silent Six” without him, goes and finds out that Frank does want to put up Dan. (On a side note, Britney hating to have to say Quack Pack out loud is one of the bajillion reasons that she is my favorite.) Ian, who is turning into a savvy player, tells them about it, but tells them not to freak out because then his cover is blown and Dan will definitely go up. Ian is getting smarter and smarter, but his place in the game is so uncertain. What he really needs to do is pit the Quack Pack and Mike and Frank and come out the victor. But I think his feelings are going to be so hurt about the Silent Six that when he finds out he’ll totally implode.
This was smart because, in the morning, Frank tells Boogie his plan and Boogie tells him how freaking stupid it is. If Frank goes after Dan they are screwed from then on. No one will trust them, everyone will be after them, and if Boogie doesn’t win HoH, they’d both get nominated. Boogie says, “If you do this, it’s game over.” He’s right. That would be the end of Frank’s game. So he does the smart thing and leaves the nominations the same. Now, if only he’d do the smart thing and get himself a haircut. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!
So, who do you think is going home? I gotta say it’s probably Wig, because he’s more of a threat, but he at least has a few friends which Joe doesn’t. And he yells so much. So maybe we should keep Wig around for a bit, or maybe he can eke out a victory by a hair. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: CBS]