Gosh, golly, juniper berries, boys and girls, what a season of Big Brother it is turning out to be! We’re already on week two and we’ve had some serious gameplay, alliances, reversals, coaches, kicks in the face, the world’s first “slop date,” and Willie, the incredible imploding Big Brother contestant (for kids aged 8 and up). Spoiler alert: Willie got his ass booted off the show last night.
Yes, Willie is gone, and to that I say, “Peace, sucka!” The problem with people like Willie is that they use bullying and intimidation to get their way in life. They make a big loud stink in line at the McDonald’s that their hashbrowns aren’t crispy enough (and really, that is never true because Mickey D’s hashbrowns are manna from heaven fried in God’s love) and he just yells and chest thumps and screams and next thing you know he has a whole Big Breakfast for free. I just hate people like that. Well, finally, on Big Brother, after two seasons of Evel Dick, that behavior didn’t pay off in Big Brother. This show is now officially better than real life.
Willie flew into a stupid rage because no one in the house would talk to him and he headbutted Joe and then Big Brother himself was like “Hey, I just met you, and you are crazy. Stop headbutting people, don’t call us maybe.” The real reason I think Willie went stomping around looking for a fight like a soccer hooligan on St. Sebastian’s Day (that means nothing, I just made it up) is that no one was really that intimidated by him. Britney sat him down and was basically like, “Your game sucks, you are going to be voted out of this house, don’t talk to me or my other players because you are a jerk.” He was all, “I know I’m a jerk, but this is an individual game, so I’m going to continue to be an individual jerk. I know what I’m doing.” Um, obviously you don’t know what you’re doing because you screwed up in week one by playing too hard and alienating everyone and now you’re screwed. So, Willie, stop being a jerk and listen to Britney.
But he doesn’t, and Britney isn’t scared of him. Neither is Janelle. No one is, because he has absolutely no power in this game. “It’s an individual game,” he says. Yes, that is true. But it is a game where individuals have to do things to make people like, trust, or rely on them and if you don’t do any of those things, you will be evicted as an individual. God, Willie is stupid. So, he’s sitting at the table calling Britney and JoJo (who you would think is a female rapper based on her name, but for some strange reason she is not) and saying, “This house is full of [blanks].” Now, the blank is either “pussies” or “bitches.” It’s one or the other, or it could be both. We don’t know, because Big Brother has subjected this word to a pocket in space time so that we only hear blankness. They have been sucked into a black hole of vulgarity. Then Joe comes by and is like, “You’re the only [blank] I see in this house,” and Willie, sick that everyone is making fun of him, that he has no friends, that no one will talk to him, that both Frank and Shane have better abs than he does, and that he is surely going home, flies into a rage.
Willie is so arrogant and thinks so highly of himself, that he just can’t fathom being on the bottom and when confronted with the abundant evidence of his loserdom, he butts Joe in the head and gets his ass a one-way ticket home, do not pass the Chenbot, do not collect $200.
What else happened? Oh, there was an MC Hammer-inspired coach’s challenge where the coaches had to wear awful baggie pants and scurry back and forth stacking piles of dollah bills y’all, dollah dollah bills y’all. There was a lot of talk about how Britney really wanted to win to get rid of Willie so I thought for sure that was the editor telling us that she was going to take it, but she blew it early on. Dan threw the competition because he has a brunette girl and something, something, something. Who knows. Who cares. Not I. Eventually Boogie won, but then stepped off his balance beam before hitting his button (which in some European languages is a euphemism for premature ejaculation, something that Mike Boogie probably already knows from that time when he went to Prague) and so Janelle wins a sort of empty victory. She doesn’t trade anyone, instead she gives a key to the blonde girl. What’s her name? (Checks my notes.) Ashley. Oh, of course it’s Ashley.
Oh, I should know Ashley because she’s the one who Ian took out on a slop date! Ian has been diagnosed with an acute case of Bonkers. This is a disease that affects about one in 10,000 Americans but affects at least one in 10 Big Brother housemates. Symptoms include: making no sense at all, being weird, exhibiting odd physical feats to the delight and consternation of others, and coming up with increasingly bizarre ways to pass the time. The latest manifestation of Ian’s disease was to ask Ashley out on a “slop date.” Remember when Eric, America’s Player, took that girl with the squeaky voice out on a date in the back yard during BB 8? Well, this was kind of like that, except that the two of them got all dressed up and went into the little club room where the lighting is all wonky and everything that is filmed in there looks like it’s happening in that weird back room on Cheers. They ate slop and Ian tried to explain chemistry to Ashley, which is sort of like trying to explain The Secret to a loaf of Nine-Grain Bread. “Is organic chemistry when you buy it at the farmer’s market?” Ashley asks.
“Well, the difference between organic and inorganic chemistry is that organic chemistry has carbon,” Ian says.
“Carbon? What’s that? My ex-boyfriend used to wear Axe Body Spray Carbon. Is that like the same thing?”
“Well, it probably has carbon in it.”
“Like a pencil.”
“Yes, like a pencil.”
“So, organic chemistry is the chemistry of pencils?”
“Um, sure. Would you, um, do you want to make out?”
“OK!”
But they didn’t make out, they just stared lovingly into each others’ eyes, with Ian hoping this would be the day, the day that a girl kissed him and broke the curse and he was cured of his Bonkers for good. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t this day. It wasn’t any day, but he still holds out hope that one bright, shining moment she will kiss him on his slop-scented lips and the clouds will part and he will hear the laugh of Mike Boogie cackling in his ears for 30 whole seconds before he passes out and wakes up a normal sane person with a bloody nose. Coincidentally, that is also the same exact thing that happens when Willie headbutts you. Should have gone for that option, Ian.
OH! Because there was Willie Dramz, Frank and his golden weave made out of unicorn tails and compliance didn’t get to nominate anyone. Who should he put up? I’d go with Wig, just for that awful hair, and Danielle, to get Dan out of the game. Or, I’d go with Joe and JoJo just so that we could say Joe JoJo and if there wasn’t enough of them, we could ask for Mo’ Joe JoJo. That’s a good reason to nominate people, right?
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: CBS]
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