‘Big Brother’ Recap: You Bought a Lemon

Big Brother RecapThere are a few things you can expect every season on Big Brother: the unexpected (duh), an awful showmance, the pre-programmed instructions from The Chenbot 3000, and a challenge that involves humping. Big Brother has the sense of humor of an 8 year-old, which is why it loves dressing people up in funny costumes, anything involving bodily funcitons, and the humping challenge where it comes up with some intricate way to get people bobbing up and down on each other so we can see them simulating sex and they don’t even know it. Ha ha, housemates, the joke is on you.

This year it was a have-have not challenge where everyone had to dress up like a lemon or a lime (it was like a bottle of Sprite up in that backyard) and sop up all this yellow water and then drip it into a grate to fill up a bunch of barrels. This is an old concept, but it’s one that keeps coming back because the housemates pile on top of each other like a game of naked Twister at a sorority house and rub and thrust and otherwise massage each other. Danielle had to stop in the middle of getting pummeled by Jenn to scream about a lesbian attack. Ian got a little too excited by the challenge because at first he thought it was Ashley rubbing all over him and then he realized it was Frank massaging his body with his own and then he was really too excited. Running and sopping, dropping and humping. There was even Shane thrusting the ground by himself like he could seed the earth with his own well-muscled spunk. Har har har. Oh, Big Brother. You so funny!

And the competition was kind of spoiled because during the interviews about it, we know that Britney and Danielle already lost because their hair looked a mess. Like worse than Wig’s. It was Have Not Hair. Shane and Jenn and and Joe lost too. Sad trombone. Speaking of Joe, I’m seriously worried that this guy is going to have a heart attack. First he was lying in bed trying to get his heart to slow down. He was so upset that he couldn’t even talk about food. That’s like Boogie not being willing to talk about how great he is, or Wig not wanting to transform his hair into some sort of absurd contraption. Then he was just lying in the lemonade pool like a kid who wet the bed and didn’t want to get up to tell mommy. He just couldn’t do anything at all. Then there is all that red-faced yelling in the diary room. He makes veteran DR shouter Dan look like he’s whispering like a church mouse with his neck-bulging, high-volume proclamations. Seriously, Joe, you need some Lipitor or something. That ticker is just going to give out like Danielle after winning a challenge. Oh, that’s “put out.” Sorry got my idioms confused.

And she’s ready to put out for Shane, challenge or no. She’s all upset because he’s kissed her twice in public but won’t make a move in private. She thinks it’s because he’s a gentleman, but we know the real reason. It’s because he’s seen her without makeup where she looks like that little girl who crawls up from the bottom of the well in The Ring. Would you want to bump uglies with that?

But all the boys in the house are horny. Frank had a sex dream about JoJo, of all people, and Shane and Ian sit around and talk to Frank about Kara and how they wished they hadn’t kicked her out all those weeks ago so she’d still be around to ogle. They carry on and on, sounding like a letter in Penthouse Forum until Ian has to go lay on his side under a blanket for about four and a half minutes having “private time” while the covers move just a little bit around his midsection.

Alright, now it’s time for game talk. Wait. “Who wants to see my HoH room?” No one! No one wants to see your HoH room. No one wants to see anyone’s HoH room. Not the viewers, not the contestants, no one. We don’t want to look at your nerdy NASA hat, drool over your bags of Skittles, or look at some pictures of your family and the person you’re dating. We don’t want to hear a vaguely encouraging letter from your family. We don’t want to do any of that. None of us are interested. Sure, it’s a big deal for the person in the room, let them enjoy it alone (or invite along their showmance partner who can feign interest long enough to keep their little love fest going). We don’t care. No one wants to see your HoH room.

OK, game. For realsies this time. So, Frank wants to nominate Joe and Dan. It is a good idea to put up Joe, even though I’m afraid his little mashed potato-clogged heart couldn’t take it. But Dan? Oh, that’s a really, really, really bad idea, as Boogie puts out. Boogie says that no one in the house would trust them again. Well, no one really trusts them that much right now, so yeah, it’s not that far to the bottom. But numbers wise it doesn’t make sense. Even if they end up kicking Dan out, everyone playing with him – Shane, Britney, and Danielle – as well as everyone who is already out to get them – Wig, Joe, Ashely, Jenn (if you can even count the last two as players) – would nominate them when they win HoH in the future. It’s just bad math. You at least have to stay in good graces a bit longer with a majority of the house and putting up Dan or back-dooring him will rip apart the Silent Six before they even get rid of another player.

The other option is to put up Joe and Wig, which makes sense, since they’re Janelle’s players and Wig has punishably offensive hair, so no one would begrudge them that. Wig goes up to talk to Boogs (who has the dunking ability of a Sumo wrestler with butter fingers) and Frank and says something that pisses them off. I’m not sure what, but they decide they’re going after Wig. It’s not the worst plan.

From Zingbot: “Frank, now that you are targeting Wil for elimination this week, how will you keep the focus away from your own awful hair. ZIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG!”

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: CBS]


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