Just look at this little masterpiece to the left. Have you ever seen anything more magnificent? More delicious? More pink, covered with sprinkles, and perfectly perfect in every way? You have, because this is the iconic Homer Simpson donut. The canonical donut, if you will. It is the donut on which all other donuts mold their delicious forms. It’s the master donut. And in honor of this awe-inspiring pastry and on this holiest of days, National Donut Day, we look to you, Homer Simpson, Master of Donuts, for guidance. How shall we celebrate this hallowed, made-up holiday?
Step 1: Eat Your Fruits and Vegetables
Homer Simpson can always be counted upon for innocent, twisted logic, and when it comes to justifying eating a donut, he’s the excuse master. Nutritional value: Who needs it? Just remember these iconic words: “This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.”
Step 2: Always Stay Two Steps Ahead of Your Own Donut Cravings
Everyone’s favorite beer-bellied cartoon dad may have been brilliant enough to invent the Emergency Donut, he was not, however, able to outsmart his own stomach. Let us not forget the severe disappointment of Homer finding this note in where his Emergency Donut should be: “Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer.” D’oh!
Step 3: Do-nut Put a Limit on Your Dreams
This one’s simple. Make it your mantra: Donuts: Is there anything they can’t do?
Step 4: Brownie Points Are For Suckers
Let’s be real, unless you’re looking for someone to point you in the direction of nearest Duff purveyor or an all-night Lard Lad Donuts shop, you should never put Homer in charge of anything. However, there is one thing he understands: People. Love. Donuts. And before Hank Scorpio turned out to be a James Bond-style criminal, he made Homer head of productivity: “Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2 percent, and it’s all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.” (Tip: This is the only way to get a TV editor to do sit-ups.)
Step 5: Pay For Your Sins… With MORE DONUTS
With all this talk of delicious rings of pastry topped with sugary sweet goodness, we’re starting to get a little hungry. You could almost say we’re so hungry, we’d sell our souls for just a single bite of a donut. And if we can gauge real-life consequences by classic cartoon sitcoms, then we’ll pay for such a hasty decision by being forced to eat mountains of our poison of choice until we just can’t take it any more. Mmmmm… Mountains of Donutsssss.