The entire appeal of Celebrity Apprentice is watching D-listers attempt to do things they have absolutely no idea how to do. Create advertising campaigns, balance budgets, maintain dignity. So what a joy it was this week to watch our all-stars attempt the impossible: Do their actual, real-life jobs. That’s right! Celebrity Apprentice‘s contestants were tasked with doing something they’ve failed at doing for the better half of their lifetimes — acting.
But that’s hardly the only reason Sunday’s episode — in which the all-stars had to create a short silent film for Australian Gold — was pure gold. Because the episode also marked the first time this season reality TV’s favorite living, breathing set of teeth, Gary Busey, was named Project Manager. Even more golden was the fact that Donald Trump so recognizes Gary’s entertainment contribution to the series, that he refused to fire the losing Project Manager, despite the fact that the only thing more off-balance than the actor are his glasses. But thank god — like Penn Jillette, we Celebrity Apprentice fans will continue to be ecstatic to be riding the Celebrity Apprentice train with Gary as the engineer. But before we pump the breaks on Sunday’s episode, let’s get full steam ahead into the night’s most ridiculous moments!
9. “You Put a Caveman in a Modern Situation, You’ve Got Comedy.”
Says Trace Adkins, winning Project Manager behind Australian Gold’s troglodyte-centric commercial and the one person who’s donated money to ABC’s Cavemen Kickstarter. Still, you’ve got to love Celebrity Apprentice‘s most endlessly bored contestant. No, you really have to, because otherwise you’d have to fend with a set of biceps more inflated than Donald Trump’s sense of self-worth.
8. Donald Smacks Lisa Rinna’s Lips
Trump buttered up former Miss America-turned-Australian Gold shiller Katie Stam by insulting Lisa’s famously enhanced lips, a move that was about as classy as Trump high-rise. (“Do you like her lips?” the billionaire goaded the former beauty queen.)
7. “We’re Gonna Babysit?”
Gary’s misunderstanding of Lisa’s proclamation that Plan B was going to get bathing suits was also the most terrifying threat to children since It.
6. Stephen’s Not-So-Funny Business
Sunday night’s episode taught us that Stephen is to funny as Daniel Baldwin is to not running around naked in a hotel on a cocaine-fueled bender shouting his own name. Plan B’s director’s claim that the phrase “Never fear, Australian Gold is here” — which he fought Penn Jillette to include in the team’s film — was hysterical was as confounding as the rapid breakdown of the Baldwin bloodline. No wonder Stephen is creeped out by Penn because the magician works in illusions — the actor only works in delusions.
5. “He Reminded Me of a Stripper I Met in Detroit.”
Said Gary of Trace in full caveman garb.
4. Gary’s Caught With His Pants Down
Literally. Blink and you would have missed the split-second shot of Gary nude from the waist down, a Celebrity Apprentice moment wonderfully delivered without any context whatsoever.
3. Stephen Baldwin, Director
In his proudest moment since saving the world from Sharks In Venice, Stevie B named himself director of Gary Busey’s Australian Gold commercial, an ad whose concept changed from centering on “a vampire with a day pass” to Lisa Rinna mugging in a bathing suit. “I’m not trying to win the Academy Award here,” said Stephen, “I’m trying to do something very simple.” Interestingly, that’s also what Stephen’s said about his entire career. ZING!
2. Gary’s OWA
That’s Obsession With Acronyms. The actor fought his way to safety over Stephen by creating acronyms like PAST (Preoccupation About Spent Time), NOW (No Other Way), and AWE (Always Wacky for our Entertainment). Okay, so the last one isn’t quite real, but it’s how we should all feel watching Gary progress through the competition despite having any discernable business talent. Perhaps Trump could hand him the victory. After all, YOLO.
1. Stevie B Has No Plea
Any Celebrity Apprentice fan could have predicted Power’s win. Not only was the losing team badly in need of a victory in order to even the score, but Trump also has a psychological need for approval from the one man on Celebrity Apprentice who could care less about being there, Power team leader Trace. But that also left the series’ one remaining source of entertainment, Gary, in jeopardy. But there was a solution — what are Trump’s whims, Alex? Instead of firing Project Manager Gary for an ad that showcased Gary’s teeth more than Australian Gold’s full product line, Trump opted instead to fire director Stephen for no other reason than suggesting Gary is “amazing.” Even though Trump himself thinks Gary is amazing. Of course, Stephen’s firing made less sense than Gary on Peyote, which led the star of The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas to proclaim upon his exit, “My advice for the remaining contestants is to be like Mr. Trump — be willing to absolutely disregard your morals and your character in order to be successful.” And like that, he was gone.