We knew that Starburns’ tragic demise would bring some major Chang-ges to Greendale, but no one could have seen this one coming: An all out ’60s style riot, ultimately leading to the expulsion of the entire “Greendale Seven.” So, how did we go from a casual mourning session in the study room to helter skelter in the cafeteria? Well, for once, it wasn’t Britta’s fault.
Apparently, Starburns cared more about the study group than we initially thought. He left his ashes, as well as the task of creating a video tribute of his life, to Abed. Troy and Abed’s meddling roommate, Annie, did not approve of the way that Troy and Abed were handling their ‘grief’ in the wake of Starburns’ death. And unfortunately for the Greendale Seven, she just wouldn’t let it go.
In the study room, when Annie prodded, Jeff made a perfectly logical point: Death is a part of life, none of them really knew Starburns, and “By the time I finish this sentence 100 people will have died in China.” (“Why did you stop talking?” asked a panicked Troy.) Once Troy confirmed that his Chinese pen-pal was not dead, it was time for Britta to turn the whole thing into a psychology experiment.
Meanwhile, in the Dean’s office, Chang and his gaggle of Jewish teen mercenaries approached Sir Dean with a crazy list of security demands: Cavity searches, permanent detentions, marital law, and no soft-serve. The Dean refused, but was then given some terrible news: Professor Kane had resigned due to Starburns’ death, meaning the Greendale Seven had all failed biology. That meant summer school.
Of course, this didn’t sit well with the gang, who vented their anger at Starburns’ memorial. Naturally Jeff took the podium to spit out a hateful tirade on Greendale, because NO ONE would keep Jeff Winger in school for the summer. “Starburns was a hero to us all the whole time, because he did the one thing that none of us tried to do — he got out,” Jeff said. “And then he exploded. Because Greendale hates its students.” (And the Dean’s heart shrunk three sizes that day…) Surprisingly, Annie’s eulogy was just as bad: “Our school flag is an anus!” she said. “We’re not even the best community college in our community! Shame on you, Dean.” Once Annie dropped the mic, it was all over: The students began to rebel, throwing chairs, breaking windows, and stealing the ingredients from the Subway stand. “Let’s burn this mother down!” Pierce said. The Dean panicked, and finally signed Chang’s list of outrageous demands.
Don’t be fooled, as Annie was, by the teenaged mercenaries’ adorable tiny riot gear: These kids will push you down, pepper-spray your face, and generally steal your dignity. In the nurse’s office, the study group nursed their wounds. Troy was crying: Not because he had been pepper sprayed, but because he was “chased by a gang of scary 12-year-olds.” In the wake of all this insanity, Subway threatened to pull out of the school, drastically cutting Greendale’s funding. They would need to investigate the leaders of the riot: The Greendale Seven.
Of course, given Chang’s total insanity, the group thought they had this in the bag. But Chang had a gaggle of tricks up his sleeve: He took out the Dean with a dart-gun, replacing him with a look-a-like who would sing his praises to the Subway board. He also came armed with cookies, and a professional demeanor that instantly won over the board. And the matter was settled: The Greendale Seven were at fault, and instantly expelled from Greendale Community College.
The group was devastated. Annie began drinking, and Troy was anticipating his family’s disappointment. “I was going to be the first one in my family to graduate from community college,” he moaned. “Everyone else graduated from normal college.” In a great throwback to “Remedial Chaos Theory,” Abed wondered if this was, indeed, the darkest timeline. But Troy said it wasn’t: “We’re going to get through this. We’re all alive, and we’re all fine. And Britta — you’re not the worst. You’re the best.” (Aww) This timeline was meant to be, the the Greendale Seven would surely live to see another day — Unlike Starburns, who was given a memorial video so dynamic that it has to be seen to be believed. (Picture sharks, jet packs, and making out with fake models.)
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
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