‘Dancing with the Stars’ Recap: Week 1

The best episode of Dancing with the Stars is usually the first one, as the celebrities aren’t nervous about going home because they don’t have anything invested in the competition yet. It’s their time to enjoy themselves, which is fun for us to watch. They’re not looking to pick a fight with each other because they’re all too interested in their own appearances and whether or not they’ll get to wear a dress that has tassels. The dancing isn’t that great though, because the first week is always when their professional partners are still determining their skill levels. In other words, it’s just an opportunity for us to enjoy the show without the extra bullshit of what we’ll see later in the season, which is injuries, and instances when the wrong person is sent home and someone like Bristol Palin sticks around. And all that is exactly what we got last night when the 12th season of the show premiered: everything was pretty relaxed, and we got an idea of who we can expect to make it through the next few rounds.

I do not know who Chelsea Kane is, but she seems to think I should because she’s on the Disney Channel and has kissed Joe Jonas. Her reason for joining the show is because she was homeschooled and never had the experience of dancing with a guy. So why wouldn’t she cut her hair short and then run her fingers through it constantly so it looks like she just fucked Jack Nicholson, right? She grew up suffocated! She is partnered with Mark Ballas, who pins the ends of his bowtie to his shirt instead of actually tying them together. They danced the foxtrot. It was really good and they’re going to start dating. But because they’re so young and the judges are unable to have sex in two seaters anymore, they got 21 points.

WWE wrestler Chris Jericho believes wrestling and dancing are exactly the same thing because they’re both all about form. Curiously enough, he did not point out that they’re both strictly choreographed, too. He’ll be dancing with Cheryl Burke this season, whose biggest worry about her partner is that his muscular shoulders will make it look like he doesn’t have a neck. So obviously, he’s going to be the one with the deep V-neck shirts. They danced the Cha Cha Cha basically in one spot. They got 19 points.

Hines Ward is the receiver for the Pittsburg Steelers, and he’s one of the most charming athletes that has been on this show. He seems to be really laid back, but is obviously aware of the hard work that will be required of him in this competition. So in that regard, he has an advantage. However, he seems to be goofball, and this could eventually ware on his partner, Kym Johnson (who described herself as being known for taking “big clumsy men and turning them into graceful dancers”). After all, she probably doesn’t want to be eliminated in the first round again, like she was when she was partnered with David Hasselhoff last year. Kym and Hines danced the Cha Cha Cha, and even though it was a little cheesy, he can definitely swivel his hips better than a girl who’s claim to fame is making out with a Jonas brother. They got 21 points.

Kendra Wilkinson is known for fucking Hugh Hefner and then finding someone else who would marry her. Considering how much time she’s spent talking to the press about how discouraged she is to have been unable to lose weight after giving birth to her son, she probably joined DWTS to get back to the physique that got her a room in the Playboy Mansion. But that’s not a problem! She’s partnered with Louis van Amstel, who has never won Dancing with the Stars trophy, and their Cha Cha Cha was good but not great. Kendra looked lost at various points during the dance, and also had trouble keeping up with the music. I believe Louis asked too much of her, which is exactly something Hugh Hefner avoided by having Holly and Bridget around. The judges gave them 18 points.

Mike Catherwood hosts a radio show with Dr. Drew Pinsky, and he’s partnered with Lacey Schwimmer this season. I cannot find anything interesting about him, except for the fact that he believes the combination of having no dancing experience and being the least-known celebrity on the show gives him an advantage. He and Lacey danced the foxtrot that confusingly had some finger pointing in it. The judges gave them 13 points.

Kirstie Alley flat out joined this show to lose weight. I am sure of it because she essentially said that’s why she joined the show. And why wouldn’t she do Dancing with the Stars to lose weight? She’s tried having a show called Fat Actress, where her gay friends would weigh her and then make her feel bad about her weight so she would try and lose some of it. But that didn’t work so naturally, this is the next option for her. Can you see how one would lead to the other? Anyway, Kirstie is partnered with Maksim Chmerkovskiy this season, and you know he’s disappointed and would much rather have a woman who actually resembles Kirstie Alley. They two of them danced the Cha Cha Cha to “Forget You,” and Kirstie’s spunk was largely responsible for the 23 points they got as their score. 

Petra Nemcova almost withdrew from the competition so she could go help victims of the tsunami in Japan, but finally shot down all rumors that she was still unsure of what she was going to do when she danced the Foxtrot last night with Dmitry Chaplin. She dedicated her performance to the people of Japan, and danced quite beautifully and smoothly. The judges gave them 18 points.

Ralph Macchio is 49 years old! Granted, Kirstie Alley still has 11 years on him, but it was crazy to see him interacting with other people and proving that he isn’t, after all, allergic to daylight. It was also surprising to see how well he’s aged, and that Cindy Crawford hasn’t asked him to come help her promote her anti-aging melon cream that’s made from French melons yet, because this guy still looks young enough to be campaigning to get a guinea pig. Katrina Smirnoff, Ralph’s partner, expressed concern that he thinks too much, and told him what her dancing teacher told her when she was learning, which was that “over analysis creates paralysis.” His dancing was better than I thought it would be, which was that it would be filled with the insecurity of a recently released from convict. But it was actually very good. They got 24 points.

Romeo was partnered with Chelsie Hightower, and his problem in rehearsals was “getting in touch with his feminine side” and moving his hips. And during their performance of the Cha Cha Cha, there were many chances for him to show his capacity to swivel, but he kept a low profile instead. The dance wasn’t bad though – it was fun to watch. But it wasn’t anything outstanding. The judges gave them 19 points.

During rehearsals, Tony Dovolani watched as his partner, Wendy Williams, dried her tears with her braids as she tried to explain how she doesn’t cry because she’s sad…but rather, because of stress. Their Cha Cha Cha turned out to be an abomination, though, and Wendy’s insecurity and belief that she didn’t know the steps enough prevented her from enjoying herself. Her hands rarely left her hips, and when they did, it was to grasp Tony’s hands or to caress the bodice of her dress. The judges gave her 14 points.

Finally, we watched Sugar Ray Leonard dance with Anna Trebunskaya, and during rehearsals, we got more of “boxing is dancing for people with dicks.” And yet, Sugar Ray wanted to cry when Anna asked him to glide across the dance floor a bit! Their Foxtrot lacked any amazing tricks, and mostly consisted of Sugar Ray waiting for Anna to need him to complete a dip. The judges gave them 17 points.