Last night on Dancing with the Stars, the competition got underway. Some of the celebrities who did well were the ones we expected to, while other people we assumed would be good were letdowns. Let’s take a look at the dances we saw last night.
Mike Catherwood and Lacey Schwimmer danced the Jive, and can we just take a moment and acknowledge how gloriously pigeon-toed this fellow is? He’s so pigeontoed that he held a guitar for a few bars in the beginning of the song so he wouldn’t have to dance. (Skip to 3:08 for turned in feet at their finest.) I assume that this is part of the reason why his dancing looks so clunky. The judges gave them 17 points.
Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas also danced the Jive, which consisted of some moves that Chelsea only felt comfortable doing because Mark said she had a nice brain, which she admitted was the only compliment it has ever gotten. Their dance was pretty great, but only because they’re young and don’t have 30 years of canapé weight on them. However, the judges didn’t see enough Jive in it and gave them 18 points.
Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke danced the Quikstep, and his biggest issue during rehearsals was holding his massive Turducken frame upright. Chris explained what he was taking away from practicing with Cheryl, and it was that he was the frame and she was the picture, and the Mona Lisa can’t be in a bad frame, right? Obviously she forgot that he’s a wrestler and doesn’t know anything about working hard to make someone else look good. Their dance was decent, but not as exciting as some of the others. The judges gave them 23 points.
Romeo and Chelsie Hightower played a couple in the 60s or 70s who were going to prom for their Quickstep. Chelsie kept telling him to be charming, and Romeo kept not understanding what that meant “because [he] was born in the 90s.” Understandable! Their dance was more interesting than Chris Jericho’s, but not by much. Maybe the quickstep is the fro-yo of the desert category. The judges gave them 23 points.
Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff danced the Jive, and he was nervous during rehearsals because his Foxtrot last week scored so high. So Ralph called in his family to critique him but that only made him over-think things more. Luckily, their dance was great. Ralph is one of the only male celebrities that actually knows what to do and doesn’t have to look at his dancing partner for guidance. The judges gave them an underwhelming 21 points.
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson also experienced difficulty in rehearsals because of how muscular Hines’s upper body has become from all those years of football. But instead of critiquing him with the intensity of one Cheryl Burke, Kym spent her time learning Hines’s “slang.” Their dance was pretty good, but seriously, this Quickstep shit is fucking boring. Hines and Kym got 23 points.
Kendra Wilkinson and Louis van Amstel worked on getting rid of Kendra’s tomboy nature in preparation for their Quickstep. It turned out that this aspect of Kendra’s self-esteem was a major issue, and the fact that Louis was asking her to be more feminine made her discouraged. But I like Kendra a lot – she’s brings great personality to her dances. She’s probably not going to win the Disco Ball, but she’s more enjoyable than other celebrities who have been on this show. For their dance, Kendra and Louis got 19 points.
Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani also danced the Quickstep, and while they were practicing, Wendy expressed concern over how her breasts would handle all the jumping around that the dance requires. Tony said being timid about her body was exactly what the judges told her not to do last week, and that it was really important that she dance with a little more freedom this time. It was light-years better than their dance last week, but it was still pretty minimal. The judges gave them 17 points.
Sugar Ray and Anna Trebunskaya danced the Jive, and it’s amazing how fit this man is. Anna was smart enough to try and employ some of his boxing moves into their dance, which was meant to distract us from how his footwork still isn’t as precise as it needs to be. The judges gave them 17 points.
Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin also danced the Jive, which Len warned us was a tough dance for tall people. During rehearsals, Dmitry told Petra to jump up and down on a trampoline so she could overcome her fear of falling. And Len was right. Their routine was a little cooky and bland. The judges gave them 18 points.
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy ALSO DANCED THE QUICKSTEP BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER DANCE TO DANCE. When they were practicing, Kirstie expressed dismay over the trouble she was having with the speed of her feet. She asked Maksim if it was her fatness that was slowing her down, but he reassured her that even skinny girls have trouble with that specific dance, and he did so quite skillfully. Their dance was great, and they even kissed at the end. They got 20 points.