‘Dancing With The Stars’ Recap: Week 4

If you’re working to get your hoarding under control, you watched Dancing With The Stars last night because it makes you want to leave everything and become a dancer who people watch on boat decks while they’re waiting for their turn to shuffle the board in a game of shuffle board. So let’s keep that flame alive and recap the dances from last night, shall we?

Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough received the first 10’s from the judges for their Argentine tango (wasn’t last week ALL tangos, salsas and mambas? Why are they being so discriminatory against the dances that the government deems just as eligible of being danced?). Anyway, the dances were scored for their technical skill and for the performance as a whole, so each couple got two scores. Jennifer and Derek’s technical score was 27 and their performance score was 29, which gave them a total of 56 – the highest score of the night. Give them the keys to the weinermobile.

Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas danced the rumba (see what I mean?), but it was totally false advertising because the whole routine was as sexy as a roomba instruction video. Bristol Palin wore one of Demi Moore’s man shirts over a sparkly leotard and clasped it with a belt, which she only pulled off because she spent weeks traveling around Alaska and bottling up all the frisky urges from the teenagers that attended her abstinence seminars. She even took Mark’s shirt off for him, which she did not want to do, but she had to give us something to talk about that isn’t that she goes to bars for the nachos. Bristol and Mark got a technical score of 18 and a performance score of 14, which gave them 32 points.

Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer also danced the rumba, and Kyle spent the whole week working on his technique. It was…eh, we have more important things to talk about. Their technical score was 18 and their performance score was 22, which adds up to 40 points.

Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy also did the rumba, because no one has stood on the steps of the Washington monument and shouted, “I have a dream that one day, people will dance other dances that aren’t the rumba.” Maksim said Brandy wasn’t being sexy during rehearsal, and she said that was because she hadn’t been with anyone in six years (you hear that David Arquette? SIX YEARS!), so he took her to a bar to practice being romantic instead of dancing any more. The dance started with her lying on the dance floor, so she was certainly feeling a little bit different, at least. Their technical score was 22 and their performance score was 26, which equals 48 points for them.

Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke danced the Argentine tango, which allowed them to perform some really outstanding lifts (that more closely resemble the times when George Clooney was hoisting a kid onto the examining table when he was a doctor on ER). Their technical score was 19 and their performance score was 20, so they got 39 points.

Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya also danced the rumba, and Kurt had a particularly hard time touching Anna’s hips because he is Christian and married. Somehow, Anna alleviated his reservations by having his wife come in and watch a rehearsal and somehow, he managed to move like Heather Morris only appeared in Glee’s Britney/Brittany episode because he had popped a hip. Their technical score was 15 and their performance score was 19, so they just beat Bristol and Mark with 34 points.

Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas also danced the rumba, and Florence spent the week working very hard on being a more “dignified” kind of sexy because she’s older and from an era where nobody knew where caterpillars went when they got to a certain age. It was something you feel like you shouldn’t be watching…like how Peeps are made. Their technical score was 17 and their performance score was 18, which means they got 35 points.

Audrina Patridge

and Tony Dovolani performed the Argentine Tango, and it was pretty good. Carry Ann Inaba told Audrina to work on extending her knee past her toe…which not only means nothing to me, means absolutely everything to Audrina. Their technical score was 24 and their performance score was 22, which gave them 46 points…which would have been at least raised to 50 if the judges saw the human heart she had tattooed on the back of her neck!

And last but not least, The Situation and Karina Smirnoff danced the Argentine Tango. Their lifts were definitely the most exciting to watch, and for the first time, The Sitch opened his shirt to show us his abs, possibly because the mascara alone wasn’t cutting it anymore. But when all is said and done, The Situation will probably be eliminated this week because he looks like one of those flowers that wear a pair of sunglasses while they dance in their pots. These two got the lowest score of all: their technical score was 12, which when added to their performance score of 16 gives them 28 points. Someone give them the keys to the consolation hundai.