‘Dancing With The Stars’ Recap: Week 5 Performances

I know there are a few of you out there who are reading my Dancing with the Stars recaps and thinking, “so what? They’re dancing! Their feet are on the floor! Have you heard about that new crazy show called SKATING with the Stars? Where celebrities will be skating with ice professionals? It’s going to be so much better than watching the girl from Dirty Dancing dance around a set to the theme song from Married… with Children.” To that I say, NOT QUITE! IT WON’T HAVE BRISTOL PALIN TRAINING TO DANCE THE JIVE IN A MONKEY SUIT BY GOING TO CLOWN COLLEGE, THAT’S FOR SURE! They got a total of 18 points for their routine, which is 36 more than they deserved.

And Skating with the Stars CERTAINLY won’t have Derek Hough putting baby in a corner while they’re rehearsing the foxtrot! After some troublesome practices, Jennifer Grey and Derek wasted a bunch of time roaming around a couch and a cardboard television for a few too many bars before making their way to the stage and kicking up their skirts. It was cute how the camera caught Grey mouthing the lyrics to the song, but it wasn’t as cute as the fact that her monosyllabic answers convey how totally done she is with being on this show. They scored 25 points.

Brandy and Maksim danced the quickstep to the theme song from Friends, because they’re such good friends and Maksim shows his friendship to Brandy by smacking her on the ass in such a way that even Howard Stern thinks is disrespectful. I guarantee you that if your boss wasn’t busy looking for puppies to adopt on Petfinder.com, you could walk into his office and do this routine with him without putting in any rehearsal time. They got 27 points, which was the highest score the pair have received to date.

Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani practiced for their sexual rumba dance (to the theme song from The Hills, no less) by eating onions and garlic together because Tony namedropped that Richard Gere once told him it makes things less awkward. While it did make it easier for the two of them to rub their bodies together on the dance floor, it didn’t convince Audrina’s face to start working as hard as the sequins on her bikini top. They got 23 points for their routine.

Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke also danced the rumba, after Rick introduced Cheryl to some of his old basketball teammates in order to defend himself against the accusation that he’s more like Megatron as opposed to a dancer. I do not know what television theme song they danced to but I feel like it was in memory of Eric Estrata, and the way Rick put his hand on his hip was as perfect as meeting Neil Patrick Harris in a diner. Rick racked up 24 points for dipping Cheryl and spinning her between his two legs while one of Cheryl’s legs remained on the floor.

Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya danced the quickstep to the theme song from Bewitched, and the bit was that when he started to dance poorly she’d wiggle her nose at him to make him keep going. But a lot of the time their footwork was out of synch, and Anna’s long dress tried to hide the fact Kurt was always ahead of her. They scored 24 points, which is only six points higher than the abstinence teacher in the monkey suit.

Florence Henderson

danced to the theme song of WHAT ELSE? The Brady Bunch. To make things even more creepy, Barry Williams (who played Greg Brady, who, incidentally, Florence said always had a crush on her while they were filming the show) stopped by the studio to watch her rehearse the Argentine tango with Corky Ballas. I really can’t say anything about the dance because I was too busy Googling if there’s a test you can order online and use to diagnose yourself with mad cow disease. They got 21 points.

And finally, Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer danced the foxtrot to the theme song from Charlie’s Angels. To help him with his posture and technique, Lacey invited fellow DWTS dancers Kym and Chelsea to give him some pointers. They made the tremendous contributions of telling him to bend his elbow and to puff up his chest more than the average Disney Channel star would. They couldn’t, however, get him to grow a mustache to match Lacey’s bellbottoms, which I consider to be an epic failure that is only neutralized by remembering Kyle was born in the 90s and this was his interpretation of how Drew Barrymore would dance to disco music. They got 20 points, which puts them in the bottom two and up for elimination tonight (along with Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas).