‘Dancing With The Stars’: Week 3 Performances

Lo and behold, the stars are still dancing with their partners who only work two or three months out of the year when they’re not endorsing Proactive! Last night, each of the dances performed on Dancing With The Stars had to tell a story, and surprisingly, the highest score was given to Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani, who danced a waltz that was dedicated to fallen troops and their families. The judges said it was the most touching performance of the night. Going into it though, Audrina was afraid her emotions wouldn’t be emoted enough, and considering she was meant to be dancing with her soldier husband who had been killed (I think?), it was more like she just made the face you make when you realize you’re going to have to change your tire yourself because you canceled your Triple A account to pay for Netflix.

With the second highest score of the night, we had Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough, who danced a samba. Their story was that Derek was Ms. Grey’s student, and in between picking lint off his sleeveless sweater, we were meant to assume he was purposely failing his tests so Ms. Grey would have to spend more time leaning over and correcting his incorrect answers. In rehearsals, Derek kept trying to teach Jennifer the samba roll, which is supposed to be difficult, but when they danced it, it looked like what happens when you put salt on a slug.

Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas also danced the waltz, but to the song Edleweiss, which set Florence off on a whole old person tangent about the 15 months she spent performing The Sound of Music in the U.S. and in Canada. Corky deferred to her like young people do to old people, and then they got to planning their dance, where a younger person falls in love with an older person who’s not ready or daring enough to bite into a cob of corn in front of him just yet.

Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas performed the foxtrot. Mark played a homeless person on the street and Bristol played a rich girl who would never be able to have a baby if she didn’t have so many opportunities. She had to put her giggles in check and her abstinence speeches aside, and when Mark started dancing for food, Bristol ripped off her trench coat to reveal the dress she put on that morning because she just has SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES.

The Situation and Karina Smirnoff also performed the foxtrot. In rehearsals, Karina explained to The Situation their story would be one of time machines or science fiction or Frankenstein, but was careful to say he should dance like Frank Sinatra and NOT Frankenstein. Karina played a scientist “with glasses and everything,” and The Situation was her A Creation, who was genetically perfect except for a pair of feet that cannot bear to be too far apart from one another and arms that work like Fairy number 2 in any kindergarten holiday concert.

Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke danced the Samba, and their premise was that Fox cost his team the championship and he went to a bar by himself because none of his teammates wanted to do body shots off of him. Cheryl worried Rick wouldn’t be able to dance as sexily has he looks, but there was a bigger issue at hand: Rick thought Cheryl was dumbing down the moves for him, but REALLY, SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO CHOREOGRAPH A DANCE THAT MAKES HIS LONG LIMBS LOOK HUMAN! Ye of little faith, Fox! Everyone’s rooting for you! Even the guy that printed that fake newspaper article so you could have something to hold in order to cement the story of your dance!

Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer danced the waltz, with the outrageously boring story of two people meeting each other by change and then falling in love…all because they didn’t know who The Eagles were and didn’t want to dance to one of their songs. Lacey explained to Kyle that the waltz looks like what happens when you dance on clouds: your shoulders don’t look like crap and you have a minute to stop pretending like you’re making out with someone by rubbing your own head.

Brandy and Maksim also shimmied to the samba, and after the disagreements the two had leading up to last week’s performance, Brandy presented Maksim with the gift of duct tape, which was going to allow him to teach her how to dance without having to recite the Monica part of “The Boy Is Mine” every two minutes. They chose to base their routine around the movie The Bodyguard, since she’s the black singer and he’s the white guy that somehow manages to intimidate people. They were lucky enough to get the Beyoncé and Alicia Keys song, Put It In A Love Song, to dance to, because when our eyes had nothing to do at the end of the performance, at least our ears were occupied.

Margaret Cho and Louis van Amstel got the lowest score this week. They danced the samba to Copacabana, and it clearly had a gay pride theme as seen from her dress and Cho’s description of the routine as being about “expressing pride, and happiness and joy…it’s about coming out as me.” Nice. But her rehearsal time was cut shorter than some of the other contestants because she had to continue doing stand-up on her comedy tour. Unfortunately, the dance itself celebrated the fact that you don’t have to make a joke to be funny.

And finally, Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya danced the foxtrot to Daniel Powter’s Bad Day, which they cleverly decided to use to tell the story of someone dancing to make someone’s bad day go away. Anna kept pushing Kurt to learn to be more delicate and forced him to spend time with his daughters by having a tea party with them as a means of getting him to grace up a bit. But not only did that not really work (even though his dance was decent), the rain in the beginning was computer generated. Bad day indeed.