Bad decisions: sometimes they happen to even the most well-intentioned of people. And they definitely are happening in Miami. It’s an interesting day for the law enforcers at Miami Metro Homicide. And it all starts with Hannah McKay. Because, of course it does: Dexter wants to kill her.
He’s trailing her, you see, because he’s convinced Hannah deserves to die on Dexter’s table. Her husband died at 40, you see—from a heart attack. He was otherwise healthy so, Dexter thinks it’s suspicious, though the ghost of daddy issues past thinks it’s a stretch. Doesn’t he have enough s**t to worry about to not worry about this? But that’s why he needs to kill, of course. He is feeling out of control and he needs to restore order and balance in his life by killing a bad guy, or in this case, gal.
Back at the police department, LaGuerta warns everyone about the Isaak Sirko case. Because bad things happen, even in strong cases! Foreshadowing much?
Back in his office, Dexter is getting another talking-to from daddio, who’s all like, hey Dexter, you’re basically stealing a case from Miami Metro on this Hannah McKay front. But she has immunity, remember. Dexter thinks this one is rightfully his, since her immunity means she’ll never be charged for any crimes related to Wayne Randall.
Down at prison recess, Isaak makes a friend! He’s approached by a Colombian drug cartel member, who tries to threaten Isaak’s life, and ruin the Koshkas or something. But since we already learned that Isaak is apparently the terminator, he just says “nah thanks” and twists his wrist, breaking it in half. Drugs wars: jail edition! The best part is the guy used a cell phone to threaten Isaak, which is really sort of hilarious and dumb. ‘I have Verizon on this cell phone, so my calls won’t get dropped!’ Isaak takes the phone, and calls George the Fox Hole manager, instructing him to pay a visit to his favorite, orange-jumpsuit wearing Ukrainian secret-homosexual drug lord!
Fervently on his serial killer trail, Dexter stops by Hannah’s house to find her in the backyard with a dead rabbit. Dead from…POISON! dun, dun, dun! Look, it’s a bunny murderer! “I do what I have to do,” she explains, when talking about her heartless manner for slaying bunnies rather than setting them free. Dexter says, “remind me to never show up on your property uninvited,” but Hannah quickly retorts “you already did.” He brings her his purposefully-botched blood spatter report win Hannah’s trust—saying that he was wrong for accusing her when she “didn’t commit the crime.” He apologizes, she accepts. Dexter is going to try and get this girl to trust him (and then murder her dead). Whoa, Dexter. What happened to just stalking your prey enough until you can leap and attack and kill and be done? Manipulating her into trusting you by lying, withholding evidence? Getting her to TRUST you with her life (by lying for what you and she both know she really did), just to take that life away? This all feels like a bit more sinister of an approach than normal. But then, the dirt appears and there face-touching. He’s obviously attracted to her, which means everything is going to go really smoothly from here on out. They’re going to pick out a plant.
The two start talking about life, and Hannah admits she was married before becoming visibly uncomfortable when Dexter asks why and how he died. But then he tries the ole switcheroo on her and says “oh it’s totally because I want you to know you can talk to me if you’d like since my wife died, too, so we’re both widowers and can wallow while we widow, together” or something. Seems Dexter has a knack for gloom and doom! Hannah offers this orchid he chooses for his apartment as a gift.
Dead husband, dead mentor. Something is indeed afoot at this Circle K. Beverly Grey, Hannah’s old mentor in the flower biz (biz!), had no family. So naturally, she left the flower shop to Hannah—or did Hannah murder her for a…flower shop? Uh. Husband had a heart attack, Beverly had heart disease (PSA alert: the leading cause of death in this country, so says dead dad. Now watch your blood pressure.) so Dexter is now 100% convinced that Hannah probably killed these people. But are coincidences the same as evidence? No, not really. So Dexter needs to look for more.
Enter: Sal Price, true crime author who did a book about the Wayne Randall/Hannah McKay story. He heard about the new bodies they dug up last time, and wants to update his book. Which means, he needs to see files and evidence to write (the files that Dexter fudged). So Dexter gets all fanboy on Sal Price to try and get more information on Hannah and get him off the spatter report fudging trail. Also: surprise! Sal wants to date Deb! She’s got such a great track record with men, I’m sure this won’t end poorly at all.
But wait! Most important tidbit from Sal? He also thinks Hannah McKay is a killer and is writing a book about her! bingo, jackpot, etc! Jonesin’ for more information, Dexter presses on. Apparently Hannah lived in a halfway house after juvie and accused a man of sexually assaulting her. He ended up dead from rat poisoning shortly thereafter. Oh snap!
We next see Sal when he tries to ask out Deb in the least-assuring way ever: uh, don’t worry, Detective lady, I’m totally not trying to write a story about how your life is totally messed and you were engaged to the Ice Truck Killer! This almost seems like a too-easy set-up for Sal to be secretly doing a book about something else entirely and totally bringing Dexter down, right? I hope not, but you never know. We’re pretty well into this season, you guys. And we all know next season is the end of the series. So something has to start being planted now that will bring about the end of Dexter Morgan. Right?
Dirty Money and Dirty Deeds…
Is a quarrel on the horizon on Lover’s Lane? But Quinn and Nadia, I mean, we really thought those two crazy kids were going to work it out for the long-haul. He shows her the money that was left in his car by George, she wants him to give it back. “These are dangerous men, what good is money if you’re dead?” So he brings it back, which I’m sure means that they’ll never ever bother ol’ Joey Quinn ever again.
Next up, we have Dexter tracking Sal Price. He needs his info on Hannah, you see. Evidence at any cost. He steals some documents and takes a picture of Beverly Grey’s toxicology reports.
Speaking of doing the wrong thing, Angel is having brother/sister bonding time with Jamie! Just kidding, their relationship is actually great. He asks if she’s heard from Creepy Louis. Obviously no, DUH! He’s dead. But they don’t know that. And Jamie’s real glad he hasn’t contacted her because he paid for hookers, and who would do that, right Angel, wink wink nudge nudge?! For his big news, Angel explains to Jamie that he wants to buy the restaurant they’re eating at, because he can retire now! Jamie the ever-so-knowledgeable-one (only not really since man these dudes that she surrounds herself with are crazy), thinks he’s quitting, though. Because of Mike Anderson’s murder investigation and the way Deb shut him down like that? Maybe.
Now we’re back at the world’s greatest and most-secure prison, ever, and Isaak (and the guard that mysteriously/conveniently wasn’t there for his um, frank talk with Dexter) is chatting up George. Somehow the guard doesn’t seem to care about the fact that these two dudes are talking about murdering people inside the jail, getting out of the jail by any means necessary, and hush money…that was given to a detective who has “never turned down a payment before.” HELLO! Somebody wake the goddamned guard up. Why is he sleeping on this s**t right now? I don’t even care to know how the rest of Isaak’s life is going to go down, I just want to know who at Miami Metro hired such incompetent f**ks to handle criminals. Jeez, no wonder all these murderers are getting away with murder.
Quinn the not-so-secret hopeless romantic was supposed to have a fancy dinner date with Nadia, but homegirl got bumped from the evening’s festivities after George decided he wanted to eat all the bread instead. So George strong arms Quinn and is all “yo Joey we ~have~ you so like you’ll die and Nadia will die if you don’t get rid of the evidence that links Isaak to the Colombian’s murders!” The money falls back in his lap. Oh Quinny-Quinn-Quinn-Quinn.
Deb and LaGuerta have also taken to discussing the Bay Harbor Butcher case. LaGuerta thinks that the butcher has actually killed some of their missing persons. Why? Well, because of how many missing persons there are that were budding murder cases gone cold when their bad guy disappeared. Are the bad guys victims of the butcher? Deb is nervous because LaGuerta brings up one of Dexter’s old kills, Jordan Chase, and the barrel girls (what a great band name!). Deb tries to lead her off the scent by saying how unlikely it would be since Jordan Chase was so “high profile.” But maybe he was working with one of those guys’ creepy sex-death ring’s victims, who was now looking for redemption, LaGuerta says. (LUMEN!) LaGuerta isn’t done with this bone yet.
Dexter’s reading Price’s current Hannah work, and he finds out about aconite—a crazy poison that gives people heart attacks. And it comes from a flower! That Hannah grows! OK, so maybe the coincidences aren’t just that.
But before he can get digging in on that data, Hannah shows up at Dexter’s apartment with a type of orchid that is better-suited for him: one that looks like blood splatter! Homegirl knows what’s up. Apparently Stalker Suzy is doing her own hunting. There’s a little bit of a chemistry tango as she brings the flower into his bedroom so that he can look at it when he’s awake, and when he goes to bed. Oh these two are going to do a forever-dance of attractive creepiness aren’t they?
But before we can see some skin contact, Deb calls to let Dexter in on LaGuerta’s findings. And the Dexter-Lumen relationship is unveiled, at last, to Deb. Another piece in the big ole Dexter puzzle. It’s a terrifyingly gruesome and f**ked up puzzle, but in a real nice package! Deb is pissed and orders Dexter away. But is she mad because he murdered 5 (or like, 500, ha) people or….ICK (please don’t tell me this storyline is coming back) because she’s in love with her brother and he loved someone else? Ugh.
Let me tell you, if that storyline comes back, Dexter won’t be the only one saying “I really need to kill someone.”
Next stop on Dexter’s McKay fact-finding mission is the flower shop. Again. But this time it’s to talk to the handyman since he previously worked for Beverly Grey. And Mr. Handyman lets Dexter in on an interesting tidbit: Hannah never once complained or showed any emotion while her mentor was dying. And she took care of Beverly all by herself. Hell yeah Hannah took care of her: took care of her…DYING! Dexter makes up a lie to escape to the depths of Hannah’s garden and find the plant from which aconite is derived.
Question for the audience, though: how is it that aconite is a so-easily-wikipedia’d thing, literally called “the queen of poisons,” but it showing up in a toxicology report is not a red flag for police? Someone really looks into who runs the human resources departments in Miami, man. How do detectives and investigators and government employees in general get jobs—and keep them—when they miss stuff like this?
No time to think about that now because—TWIST!—Hannah has harvested a plant! She is totally after Dexter. Wants to kill him dead. Hannah finds Dexter frolicking amongst the aconite plants and invites him in for a potentially killer cup of coffee (insert rimshot here). She wants to know why he’s always finding excuses to talk to her and he says “I want to take you out” with an urgency that is both creepy and semi-seductive (you know, if you’re into that whole serial killer thing). They’re going on a date (“sure, that’ll work.” Real smooth, Dexter)! But Hannah says she gets too attached (oh, I somehow doubt that). Dexter doesn’t believe it, but Hannah’s not who people think she is (a murderer), you guys! She’s still just that 15 year-old girl who ran away with Wayne Randall (you know, a murderer)! And even though Hannah might be a murderer, she is definitely also a killer interior decorator. Man those shelves and that wall! Such color! Love that contrast.
Hannah’s real problem is that she just loves too much, you guys. She loves people to death. Literally. She loves too deep and will do anything for someone that she loves and doesn’t care what else. But she sure does wish she got to see the snow Wayne promised her, so Dexter (who he reminds us all, is not Wayne Randall, har har har) tells Hannah he wants to take her to see the holiday adventure land that has all the snow. He’ll pick her up at 8.
There’s this part where she says “but if I end up in jail” before Dexter cuts her off though, and that’s really just laying it on thick with the foreshadowing of future bad things to come. We get it, words have many meanings; literal and metaphorical and the like! I watch Homeland, too, guys—I know about secrets and double-cross.
Quinn still can’t seem to find Nadia, and it’s starting to bug him out. Unfortunately he can’t sit on that thought too long: Angel’s having a midlife crisis and freaking out that his sister thinks he’s too impulsive and, oh yeah, he’s maybe considering retiring. Needless to say, people are surprised. Deb included. But Angel just wants to be happy! His life is his work, and he wants his life back. So naturally, the very next second, Deb says yes to a date with Sal Price. Because YOLO.
Quinn, on the lookout for #1, has decided to go back to the dark side, presumably out of fear for Nadia’s life. And steals the Sirko evidence (without wearing gloves? Touching all up on that box are you for real? Detective?!)—dirty cop is back again! Oh no, Quinn. That’s no good.
Oh, look! It’s old Deb! She’s back. An oral fixation joke right out the gate from Deb and Sal Price’s date? Talk of girl boners and not being a cop-tease? Is this an episode of Dexter or is Deb not a Miranda like I thought, but rather a Carrie? Either way, it turns out Sal Price isn’t just the name of a slippery salesman who probably would make awful jokes about how similar his name sounds to “sale price” if he owned a pawn shop, but also that of a total neighborhood gossip. He tells Deb all about his Hannah McKay theory, and even just so happens to have evidence on her with him. “If you show it to me, I’ll totally make out with you,” says Deb. OK, I take it back: Deb is like a middling Samantha, huh?
Dexter’s never wrong: famous last words. Sal’s blood guy says that the spatter pattern indicates a killer much smaller than Wayne Randall. Ding ding ding! Hey Deb, Dexter’s never wrong: you’re right! So why is this other dude saying something contrary? Uh oh, spaghettios! Sounds like someone’s withholding!
But before we figure out anything in regards to that, it’s death date night for Dexter and Hannah. And the two creepy lovebirds head up to the closed-for-the-season Holiday Adventure. Not open? What’s a little breaking and entering amongst a couple of serial killers, eh? Besides, Dexter wants to take her somewhere abandoned so he can MURDER HER. Or…hold her hand? Uh oh! Hannah is playing the long game on this one. At least she was…until Dexter plunges his death needle into her neck and she wakes up on his table. And when she comes to? Completely unnerved or unafraid—Hannah just lays there. She knows what he’s feeling. Because they’re the same!
Which means there’s only one thing two very attractive people who are the same can do: do sex stuff!
Finally! At long last we get the hot serial killer make-out and sex scene we’ve been waiting for. Like a supermarket check-out romance novel made for murderers, Dexter looks like he’s about to stab her (with his knife) but instead, ends up just ripping the plastic off her body before putting his mouth on her mouth and then having a sessual interlude. So there it is, the wrong thing. It’s been done. But it feels so right, doesn’t it? Dexter’s in deep (everything sounds like a sexual innuendo!) on this one, you guys. And everybody’s doing something wrong.
What did you think of this week’s episode of Dexter? Excited to see two serial killing murderpeople make sweet, sweet love? Still convinced this will somehow end well for our Mr. Morgan? Sound off in the comments!
[Photo Credit: Showtime]
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